On Postpartum Healing and Sex

Image above Vagina Monologue by Eigna

Most of the women I know who have had babies popped those babies out and then returned to their fit, trim, amazing-looking selves. I don’t hate them for that, much,  but my road to recovery was WAY different, and I continue on that road to this day. Some things will never be the same – my belly may always look four months pregnant for example. Dear readers, I’ve penned this open letter to illuminate the realities of postpartum healing and sex. Take note – there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Dear doctor so-and-so,

Our paths were never meant to cross, but I am so very glad they did.

I met you because my plans went to hell. We were all hooked up with our midwives and their trusty student, and they were going to help us give birth under a glowing rainbow of organic, natural, unicorn poop wonderment. I was going to labour at home, basking in the loving warmth of all three of our mothers, ‘neath the tender gaze of my sweet daughters,  then breeze to the hospital in time for the pushing, where I would deliver our babe without any medical intervention unless it was an emergency.  Life is funny though, isn’t it? I laboured peacefully and serenely for an entire day, and then at about 5cm I decided that everybody was driving me nuts, I wanted to swear like a truck driver and engage in primal screaming, and if I didn’t get some sweet, sweet drugs pumped into my spinal fluid, I was probably going to die.

I think you’re likely younger than me, which I thought was kind of cool. No, that’s a lie. It made me jealous. Even in labour, I was able to reflect on all of the real jobs I could have had if I hadn’t been such an idiot about school. You are pretty, I remember, in a very fresh-faced I’m-blessed-with-Asian-skin-and-I-don’t-need-make-up kind of way. I remember your name, of course, but I didn’t publish it, because I wasn’t sure you’d want to be attached to this post. You seemed really calm, and confident. Assertive, but pleasant. I figured we’d be good together, you and I.

Because I had an epidural, my poor midwives had to turn my care over to you. They seemed disappointed, but after their student tried to insert my IV and sprayed the entire delivery room with my blood, I no longer really cared what they thought. They were being extraordinarily passive, and I needed a firm hand like yours, or like the hand of the wonderful nurse I had in your hospital. Sadly, I don’t remember her name at all.

I saw you three times. First when I arrived on the ward, sweating and screaming in pain, wild-eyed and frightening small children. Then later, when you came to check on my progress, and informed me that I wasn’t pushing hard enough, and finally two hours and forty-five freaking minutes into pushing, when you plunked a pair of shiny forceps down beside my head and warned me that it was my last push before you were going in with them to pull my baby out.

My partners and I did lots of prep leading up to labour, short of studying hypno-birthing. I really believed that there was a way I could prepare myself for an event that I would later realize was the most primal, otherworldly, out-of-control feeling I’ve ever experienced. We even spent lots of time on gentle perineal stretching and massage because I was convinced this would prepare my vagina for the almost nine pound task at hand. A bowling ball weighs ten pounds, which isn’t much heavier than the baby I birthed. I still shudder when I think about that. If you massage an opening the size of a ping pong ball every day for seven years, then try to squeeze a watermelon out of it, the massage ain’t gonna do much.

After that last highly motivated push popped the baby’s head out, and you let me pull out the rest of him (which, by-the-way, was the most satisfying thing I’ve ever done), you let me know that there was a “bit of tearing”. The epidural was more than working, so I had only the briefest sense of disappointment when you started sewing me up. What a surreal thing, to realize someone is stitching up your hoo-ha.

Panic began to seep in as I realized you were taking (what felt like) a very long time. I know I should have been distracted by the happy after-glow and the sweet sensation of holding my brand new baby, but there you were, sewing up my bits. I asked you how bad it was. You said it was a third degree tear (there are 4 degrees of tearing) and you said it would take a while to sew me up, and that it was in my best interest to just let you take your time. Fair enough. I think I briefly wondered if my lady parts would ever work the same again, and then that thought was snuffed from my consciousness for oh…about TWO YEARS!

Listen doc, I’m a pretty liberal gal. I’ve always kind of identified myself as someone who was very comfortable with sex. It’s kind of my thing. I was certain as soon as the few weeks of healing were up, I’d be back in the saddle, so t0 speak.  The sleep deprivation, the physical trauma, the terrifying hormonal emotional roller coaster, the searing pain of my nipple pulverization – sure, these were deterrents to getting my mojo back, but guess what the real killer was?

I couldn’t get past the idea that a person, an-almost-nine-pound, just about the size of a bowling ball person came surging forth from my vagina with such force that they tore me open to the tune of three degrees. Three degrees that you had to spend an hour sewing back together. Night after night of the burning pain of evening sitz baths, I couldn’t feel okay with my vagina anymore.

Steely determination pushed me forward. I’m now in a better place with my sex life. Some days I even feel like my old self. Usually those days come with a couple of cocktails, I won’t lie. My baby is almost two, and I’m only now beginning to think I might be restored to my former glory.

It took a long time before my lady parts physically healed completely. I had read about this, and tried not to be too distressed about the whole thing. The first time I tried to get it on post baby I was terrified. Sex wasn’t impossible, but it wasn’t like it used to be. Certain positions were painful for a long time in a way they never used to be. The pain morphed into a dull, sickening sensation in the pit of my stomach which was decidedly not sexy. Eventually, all the pain went away. Now that I seem to be over that hump (heh) I’ve made an amazing discovery.

Doc, I don’t know what you did in there, but I feel things I’ve never felt before, and I can do things I’ve never been able to do. Here, I’ll say it. My vagina isn’t the same as it used to be. IT’S BETTER! My g-spot is on speed dial, and I have muscle control that I’ve only read about in Penthouse letters. I want to sing it to the highest peaks, and shout it to the lowest valleys. You’ve given my vagina magical powers.

I want every female (and their partners) who is afraid of delivery to know that amazing things can happen post childbirth. I want all of us to take it easy on ourselves, lower our expectations, and try to embrace other ways of connecting with our partners on a physical level as we allow our bodies, minds, and spirits to heal and settle post childbirth. This can take way the hell longer than six to eight weeks, friends.

I can’t thank you enough for whatever mastery you wrought with your deft hands. My post breast-feeding sad pancake breasts and the jiggly pouch of squishy flesh that used to be my tummy were really bumming me out until I realized that my punani had been transformed into a souped-up street racer. You gotta take the good with the bad, and my goods are Tony the Tiger grrreat!

I will respect your anonymity, but say the word and I will add your name to this post. Your practice will be flooded because you are the Grand Poobah of pussy.

With my most sincere gratitude,

Playboy Mommy

 

#AdultSexEdMonth

girls-who-wear-glasses-1950s-eye-makeup-advice-Grace-kelly

Happy Friday darlings. Back by popular demand, we’re returning to our weekly sex post in Playboy Mommy Land, and just in time for what the people of the Internet have declared #adultsexedmonth. Timing is everything, isn’t it?

I don’t know who decides which issue will be the trend of the month, but this particular topic is one I can really get behind. Sex Education is vastly important for our children and teenagers but I’d say it’s just as essential for us adults. Our sexuality evolves with us, and changes as we change, and it’s a part of our health that is as important as the rest of our physical wellness and mental harmony. You would never stop getting your annual check up, or stop reading the latest health news, so please don’t neglect the important physical, spiritual, and mental vitality of your sexual self.

Whether you are single, partnered, poly, young in your adulthood or old you deserve to experience a healthy sexual relationship with yourself and with others that is everything you desire it to be. There’s a crazy notion, right? Mass media suggests that only the physically fit and artificially attractive should enjoy getting it on. I suggest that’s a crock of shit. Our sexual selves are as unique as we are, and the only way to ever really celebrate them is to truly discover what our sexuality means to us.

So, as we continue through this Adult Sex Ed Month, let’s explore what our sexuality means to us, shall we? Maybe you’re young and on fire and you’re thirsty for every sexual adventure you can imagine. Maybe you’re dealing with extraordinary stress in your life, and you are yearning for a physical outlet that goes a little deeper than hot yoga can take you. It could be that sex is something so terrifying to you, imagining a healthy sexuality is beyond your scope. Perhaps you’ve been married for 50 years and a cocktail of medications have things not looking as “up” as they once did. Maybe you’re the dirty-minded old lady I one day hope to be. Whatever your reality, let’s see what we can learn about our sexual selves each week until the end of June.

Adult sex ed need not stop because our month is up. Stick with me kids, and we can continue this exploration together. Let’s find the latest and greatest discoveries in science, lingerie, lotions, potions and gadgets. Open your hearts and minds and embrace the idea that you are a pilgrim. Imagine that this territory is uncharted, and take each step like it’s the first. Consider how far you’ve come since you were new to realizing your sexual self as you understand it today. If you look down that winding path, it’s truly like you are at a whole new place. Let’s start here, where we are today, and boldly endeavour to educate ourselves all over again about sex.

I welcome any and all questions and requests for advice, and I will answer them anonymously here. I invite you to contact me at info@playboymommy.com

More Sexy Role Play

Photo by Richard Northwood

Photo by Richard Northwood

It seems like sexy role play scripts are a huge hit with my readers! Your enthusiasm has inspired me, so here’s another scenario for you to try out at home. When introducing role-play, it’s important to have a trusting relationship with your partner, so you are both free to really experience the characters you are creating, and to really explore the scenario at hand. I always recommend a SAFE WORD. This is a totally neutral word, a word that has nothing to do with sex, that both partners can recognize as a pause button. The safe word can be used at any point, and you can resume play when the issue that led to the safe word has been resolved. The following role-play script can be adapted to suit any sexual preference or combination of players. 

I Was Your Teacher

The teacher/ student scenario is a classic that you can breathe new life into each and every time. The sheer volume of trashy school girl costumes available on the Internet indicate that this is a very popular role-play theme, so how can you bring this one to life in the comfort of your own home?

Costumes:

STUDENT
Female: plaid skirt or kilt, knee socks, white button-down shirt, a neck tie in coordinating colours, a coordinating cardigan, simple Mary Jane style shoes, fresh and clean under things like a white cotton bra and panty set, book bag, consider glasses, bubble gum

Male: twill pants in a dark colour, collared shirt or button down in white, tie, dark shoes, white boxer briefs

TEACHER

Male: button-down shirt (plaid perhaps), corduroy sport jacket with elbow patches, trousers, tie, glasses

Female: pencil skirt, button-down shirt or blouse, stockings, pumps, lacy lingerie, string of pearls, glasses

HAIR AND MAKEUP

STUDENT

japanesegirl sexy-school-girl

 

Female: neat and clean if your student is relatively “innocent” – pig tails or a crisp pony tail, fresh, natural makeup, subtle lip gloss or go over-the-top if your student is a “bad girl” – heavy eyeliner, dark lipstick, over-styled hair

Male: decide if your student is a good boy or a bad boy – clean cut and clean-shaven for good boy, messy/styled hair and stubble for bad boy

TEACHER

Female: subtle makeup and red lips, elegant perfume, nicely manicured hands, hair in an up-do that can easily be let down

Male: some stubble or facial hair, consider Old Spice cologne

VISUAL AIDS/INSPIRATION:

Makeup Tutorial:
STUDENT
Thank you Miss Jessica Harlow for being so darn cute, and for furnishing us with this lovely fresh, clean makeup look:

TEACHER
I love that when I search for “Sexy Librarian Makeup Tutorial” on YouTube I can actually find such a thing! EnCore is just too cute, and his extensive tutorial will satisfy you makeup junkies:

 

SETTING THE SCENE:

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How have teacher and student ended up alone together? Is your student the only student in detention that day? Did the student stay after class to clean the black board brushes? Find a space in your home that you can easily transform into an imaginary classroom. Some great possibilities include an office with a desk, or a dining room with a large table. With a little imagination, these rooms can become the teacher’s office or the school library.

Decide who is going to seduce whom before creating this scenario. Teacher/student role-play is hot no matter who initiates, and the power play can go back and forth. Regardless of who is taking the lead, decide that this is the first sexual encounter between these two characters. This will guarantee maximum sexual tension.

Some Suggestions:

Consider how each of your characters feels about the scenario. Is your student happy or annoyed to be in class/ at school after hours? Does your teacher feel annoyed at having to stay with a student, or are they eager for the opportunity?

The student can play oblivious to the teacher’s advances at first, forcing the teacher to be truly brazen in their seduction. This works well too if the teacher feigns ignorance in the face of the student’s come-on.

If you are the female student, consider sitting at your ‘desk’ with your knees apart just far enough to let your teacher catch a glimpse up your skirt, and act as though you have no idea you’re flashing teach (or act like you know exactly what you’re doing if it suits your character).

As teacher, if this is a detention scenario, think of some clever punishments for your naughty student. Perhaps they have to dust and polish your desk while you’re sitting at it. Maybe they will have to shine your shoes, or spend some time on their knees filing some papers for you. You might be an old school disciplinarian and decide to hand out some corporal punishment by way of a sound spanking. See the props list below for some more inspiration.

The student may have some embarrassing/compromising contraband in their school bag that their teacher discovers and makes them use either solo or together for both to enjoy.

OTHER TIPS:

*Remember to use your safe word if anything becomes uncomfortable about this role-play scenario

*Neckties make great bondage gear

*A shiny apple could make a great ball gag substitute

*Compliment each other as you enjoy how hot you are together. Be dirty with the compliments. We all love to hear these things, believe me.

PROPS:

Wooden rulers
Apple
Black board, chalk, eraser
Desk
Office chair
School bag
Mini vibrator
Lube
Small flask or soda bottle filled with alcohol

I’d love to hear your feedback! Send me an email or share in comments below. If you have a variation of this scenario that you can recommend, please share it with us.

Send me some suggestions for fantasies that you would like to have scripted!

Enjoy the fantasy. You deserve it.

Moves You Can Use – The Cement Mixer

Image from the delicious website http://www.homotrophy.com

What’s It For: A great warm-up or slow down technique for intercourse

Who’s In Charge: The Person Being Penetrated

What You Need: A high state of arousal for both parties, lube, a comfortable surface

Ideal Position: Missionary (person being penetrated is on the bottom – on their back or on their stomach)

Note of Caution: Anyone with lower back trouble should use caution with this move.

The Cement Mixer is a great move for a slow start and a slow tease. Ideal for that moment when foreplay has taken you as far as it can and everyone is ready to explode, or when you or your partner needs a break from some enthusiastic thrusting.

To begin, this move works best while penetration is happening. If the person being penetrated is on their back, they bring their feet up so their knees are bent, and the soles of their feet are flat on the play surface (bed, etc.). If the person is on their stomach, they can gain more leverage and control by propping themselves up on their elbows.

The Cement Mixer begins by engaging the core pelvic and stomach muscles. From the “on the back” position, contract the butt muscles and tilt the pelvis up slightly. Begin a slow, circular grind with your hips while imagining that you’re massaging your partner with this motion. Imagine your pelvis moving like the barrel of a cement mixer, stirring slowly in a gentle tease. If you’re on your tummy, the same applies – experiment with the position of your knees, seeing what kind of leverage they can offer. Remember to really focus on engaging your core muscles, to ensure that you are taking any undue strain off your lower back. Contracting and releasing your PC muscles or your anal sphincter while performing this move will make it even more mind-blowing.

You’ll know when to conclude the Cement Mixer because eventually it will make your partner so crazy that they will have to return to thrusting. At this point, relax completely and feel yourself envelop your partner, guiding them gently to your sweetest spots.

You’re welcome. Have a fantastic weekend!

A Polyamory Primer

I’ve had Poly on my mind a lot lately. She’s in the news more often, and it seems like there are droves of people out there who like her way of thinking.

Polyamory is defined as the practice of having many, or several loves. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? More details can be found on the Wiki for those of you with a thirst for knowledge. Here’s my favourite quote from the Wiki page:

“In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiationof boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.”

Polyamory is the umbrella under which anyone who extends their loving relationships beyond one partner falls. The various ways in which polyamory manifests are as differing and multi-layered as the unique individuals governing these hearts and bodies.

Sometimes poly people have multiple casual partners. Sometimes they have one relationship that they identify as their ‘primary’ relationship and one or more additional lovers who they keep company with. Sometimes polyamory applies to more than two people living in equitable conjugal partnership.

Poly people are everywhere, working beside you, living in your neighbourhood, and raising families. You probably don’t know about them, because until very recently, on our strange and wonderful North American continent, Polyamory was technically illegal.

Both Canadian and US laws stated that it is unlawful for more than two people to live together in a conjugal relationship. This archaic law is rarely enforced, except in the odd case of religious communities where underage marriage in polygamous communities becomes an issue. I personally find it stunning that the law can still dictate who you can sleep with and when among consenting adults. I also find it infuriating that our culture is wildly accepting of the lies, deceit, and family-crushing betrayals that many of the monogamists practice in trying to love one person “till death do they part”.

Polygamy laws were challenged in Canadian courts in 2011, and the Canadian polyamory community believed this case had real implications for poly people. The judge ruled that Polygamy law had no bearing on poly units, and that it was no longer unlawful to cohabitate with more than one conjugal partner. As I understand it, nobody is challenging the right to marital status yet – allowing more than two people to marry would really shake up marital and property law as it exists – but polyamorists believe that the law should not govern how they conduct their conjugal affairs.

Polyamory requires a serious commitment to the exploration of self, to total transparent honesty, to striving to communicate expertly with your partners, to really understanding and articulating what your boundaries are, and to respecting and understanding the boundaries of the people you are loving. Trust is absolutely the cornerstone of any polyamorous relationship – trust in yourself to be honest and open, trust in your partners to be the same. Challenging convention also takes strength, courage, and a real belief in the lifestyle you are embracing.

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt continues to be the foremost guide to understanding polyamory. I would highly recommend it to anyone new to or considering the poly way. It’s light-hearted and straight-shooting and I’ve read my copy dozens of times over the years. There’s a link to the Amazon page for this book below, and I think it’s interesting to note that the latest edition is number two-thousand and something in sales!

Famous sex educator Tristan Taromino has also written an excellent guide to multiple-partner relationships. See links below to her book ‘Opening Up’.

I’ve also found some great Poly resources on the web:

Polyamorous Percolations is a great blog dedicated to Polyamory in the news

The Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association is an online resource for understanding current law surrounding polyamory in Canada, and how Canadians are challenging those laws.

Modern Poly is a great resource for news, information, and fascinating personal stories by other poly people and families.

Polyamory? is an amusing and informative site dedicated to Poly FAQs.

Polyamory – Married and Dating is the compelling reality series from Showtime, now in it’s second season. Visit the site to watch episodes online.

There are also a host of warm, touching, hilarious, and practical personal blogs written by poly people who are just trying to live life in the most authentic way that they can. Today I discovered both a web-TV series about the poly lifestyle called “Family” and the very amusing blog of one of the series’ creators Matt Bullen.

As our world continues to change, as our homelands begin to really awaken to the idea of equality transcending sexual orientation I believe more and more people will come forward to share their stories and really help to shape the face of polyamory. The images of hedonistic key parties will hopefully be replaced with images of vibrant, well-rounded families that are an extension of bygone days where we lived in large, loving, supportive communities raising children and taking on life’s journey.

Meanwhile, I invite you to share your thoughts, ideas, and stories. I’d love to hear from you!

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