Talking to Your Kids About Sex

cutebaby

When my eldest daughter was seven, an incident at a parent/teacher evening inspired today’s post. In a Q&A session, one of the parents asked about the school’s approach to sex education because her daughter had begun asking questions. As some of you know, we were in a Waldorf school, which is fairly granola, so I was interested to hear what the reply was. To my absolute dismay, the teacher told the parents in the room that she believed that six and seven-year-olds were too young to grasp the abstract concepts of human sexuality and that they should be told stories about twinkling stars coming down from the heavens, souls crossing a rainbow bridge or storks making deliveries. You can imagine that I had a lot to say about that – like red-faced, sputtering things to say.

The a-z explanation of human sexuality is far too much for young children to grasp and would certainly be overwhelming, but I wholly believe that it is empowering for kids to know about their bodies – real, accurate information delivered in small doses adding layer upon layer of detail as their questions prompt further answers. This is one of your most important jobs, parents. It falls to you to be your child’s most reliable, honest source of information because if those answers don’t come from you, they will come from somewhere else and you can be sure that other sources will serve them up in ways that will anger/upset/terrify you.

The teacher made one very important point though – make sure you really know which question your child is asking. A simple “What do you mean?” is an important response, and the simplest answer is the best route, until these answers lead to more questions. For example, a child asks; “Where do babies come from?” The hair on the back of you neck may start to rise in anticipation of a lengthy explanation. Instead of launching into the birds and the bees, ask what they mean.

They will likely respond with something like; “How does a baby come into the world?” Start slowly with a response such as; “Babies come into the world because their parents love each other and want to make a bigger family.” Spare them terms like ‘husbands and wives’ or ‘a mommy and a daddy’ and keep it gender neutral, sexual orientation neutral to prepare your kids for our modern age. If your child is young, such a simple answer may satisfy them for quite some time.

If you have really bright kids (like mine) you may immediately get; “No! I mean how does a baby get into it’s mama’s tummy and how does it get out?” Yeesh. My eldest was about four or five when she started asking such things. We began with “The parents plant a seed in the mama’s tummy and the seed grows into a baby. When the baby is finished growing inside the mama, then the baby comes out through the mama’s vagina.” My children learned the proper names for all of their body parts when we started teaching about toes, noses, ears etc.

Kids don’t know to be weirded out about their bodies, about making babies, or about concepts like sexuality unless they learn from someone that these things are potentially awkward and uncomfortable subjects. Teaching your children to name their parts, be proud of their bodies, explore in private, and understand that they are in command of their bodies and that your kids can only be touched when they want to be sets them on a path to empowerment and self-respect.

I’m lucky to be free of any fear of discussing these issues, but when my daughters started asking questions, even I got a little nervous. It wasn’t fear of the subject matter, it was fear of delivering the subject matter in a way that would set the right tone and make sure that I was their most trusted resource. My solution was to totally empower myself and the other adults who were close to the girls with LOTS of information.

I turned to Amazon, which I so often do, for highly rated titles that were age-appropriate and read all of the user reviews. I searched books on ‘talking to kids about sex’, ‘teaching children about bodies’, and  ‘books for parents about talking to kids about sex’. We got two books that were for us to share with the girls and two books that were just for the grown-ups to read. Those titles are shared below, and they were excellent.

It’s never too early to begin the talk, as long as you’re providing simple answers that can build in their complexity as your child matures. Please don’t teach them cute names for their genitalia. If you can’t say ‘penis’ or ‘vulva’ at least teach them that’s what these parts are called and then commonly refer to these areas as ‘privates’ or ‘private parts’. If you encounter your child self-stimulating (and you will) use our phrase ‘private parts are for private places’ and teach them to explore in their bedroom when they’re alone, or in the bath when they’re on their own. Say this cheerfully or gently, even if you’re freaking out.

When your kids start to experiment with other kids (and they will) reassure them that it’s very normal and sometimes fun to be curious about other people’s bodies, but it’s very important to respect other bodies, and your own body, and to never touch someone or show them your body if they don’t want to participate. Nor should they touch yours if you don’t want them to, and if they do you should feel very safe to tell a teacher or another grown up whom you love and trust. Generally, a talk about privacy and respect will curb their enthusiasm for exploration.

Tell your children that talking about how bodies work, and how babies are made is a conversation that’s private for families. Explain to them that parents want the chance to teach their children these things, and it’s not your kids’ job to teach their friends about babies and bodies. If their friends have questions, they can direct them to the teacher or suggest they speak to their own parents.

Consider the changing world around you too. Complex families, same-sex families, adoption, fertility treatment are all things that are changing the face of the “birds and the bees” and I believe this is something to celebrate. We used phrases like “some babies” or “when we made you” so that the idea of alternate possibilities was immediately introduced.

The “talk” was one of my greatest bonding experiences with my family. We made a special story time to share the amazing books we bought, and took turns reading and pointing things out and asking questions. When we were finished there were lots of hugs and an invitation to ask any questions that might have come up. The first book ‘Amazing You’ instantly became a favourite and is still sometimes read as a bedtime story.

If you’re still stumped, write to me at askmommy@playboymommy.com. I’m happy to help you out because this is one of the most important talks you’ll have with your kids.

Playboy Mommy Recommends – Talking to Kids about Sex Resources


Amazing You was great for both our girls, who were four and six at the time that we read it.


It’s Not the Stork was shared with both our daughters when they were slightly older. This book is multi-layered so some of the more advanced concepts can be reserved until those kinds of answers are required.


Ten Talks was for the grown-ups and I’m still working my way through this one. I referred to the relevant sex info, and it’s really a great read.


The Talk was another read for the grown-ups and a real eye-opener about how kids are exposed to sex in our modern media age.

My best advice – do your research BEFORE the kids start asking questions. If they ask before you know what you’d like to say, tell them they’ve asked some great questions and that you’d like to get some information and then have a talk about the answer. Keep it light and playful and fun!

Bippity-Boppity-Boo-Ya

Glinda

When I was a little girl, I conjured all of the same fairy-princess fantasies of girls my age nearly everywhere in North America. I wanted to live in an ivory tower, with servants and ladies-in-waiting, and grand balls and feasts and the whole shebang. That fantasy was prominent until I saw the Wizard of Oz for the first time. Glinda, the Good Witch of the North rocked my world to the very core. I learned that not all witches were bad, that fairy-princesses could have magical powers, and that a magic wand was a much better accessory than a tiara. I decided to trade in the glass slippers for super powers instead.

Over the years, I’ve had many variations on the magic wand – plastic ones with colorful ribbons, natural ones fashioned from twigs and feathers, delicate glass and crystal ones (during my brief romance with Wicca). I no longer fancy myself fairy-princess material, but I’ve always kept at least one wand in my possession, in case there was something really mint that I wanted to wish for.

I’ve come to realize that there is only one magic wand that can make dreams come true.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is the greatest vibrator ever invented. It was originally introduced in the seventies as a personal massage tool. I have to believe that was truly the intended use, but somehow, somewhere along the way someone discovered that it delivers a truly powerhouse genital massage, and history was made.

The Wand is innocuous enough. As you can see below, it looks like a legitimate massage tool, or like a hand-blender. It plugs into an outlet, and has two speed settings: Holy Crap and OH MY GOD. This toy delivers intense vibes. So intense is the power behind this wand that masturbation gurus like the amazing Betty Dodson recommend that you add a protective cushion between your clitoris and the head of the Wand when you are first experimenting. A folded up face cloth does the trick, and you can work your way up to fewer folds between the wand and your vulva as you get used to the sensation. I’ve also read that a clean cotton sock does the trick.

The Hitachi Magic Wand became so popular as a masturbation tool that attachments were invented to heighten the experience. Silicone attachments that look like Gonzo from the Muppet Show are designed to pop over the round head of the Wand to stimulate the G-spot. They do the trick, but the Wand is also amazing on its own.

Some women have complained about the intensity of the Wand, and there are now speed-control attachments available. Imagine a dimmer switch into which you can plug the wand to vary the speed.

The Wand is a bit cumbersome, so it’s tricky for travel (though I will personally leave great shoes behind to make room in my suitcase for this bad boy). It’s also ridiculously loud. You’ll need background music if you have roommates, and whatever you do, don’t put it on the floor while it’s on if you’re trying to be discreet. It sounds like a crop duster.

Every girl should have a Hitachi Magic Wand. It guarantees that when the clock strikes midnight and your would-be prince turns into a pumpkin, you’ll still get the happily-ever-after ending you deserve. All great massages should end that way.

Playboy Mommy Recommends:

For your roomates:

For those of you who love dress up:

Sexy Role Play Scenarios Made Easy

From the Motor City series by Kyle Andrew

From the Motor City series by Kyle Andrew

Okay dear readers. When I re-launched my blog, I promised an amalgamation of all of my various writing personas. Here’s my all time most popular post from where I was writing sex advice. This particular post has had 12,283 views! Written in the spirit of adding some playfulness and spice to the bedroom, I thought of it while watching that hilarious episode of Modern Family where Clair and Phil go to a hotel bar and pretend they’re meeting for the first time. It’s a very detailed post complete with hair and makeup video tutorials and where to buy some of the props and products suggested. Enjoy!

There’s nothing quite so awesome as dress-up. Slipping into another person’s skin with your lover and acting out your fantasies is an incredible way to enjoy your sexual relationship. Most of the time, the things you need to build a really detailed scenario are already at home, or easily attainable with little expense. When introducing role-play, it’s important to have a trusting relationship with your partner, so you are both free to really experience the characters you are creating, and to really explore the scenario at hand. I always recommend a SAFE WORD. This is a totally neutral word, a word that has nothing to do with sex, that both partners can recognize as a pause button. The safe word is used at any point, and you can resume play when the issue that led to the safe word is resolved. The following role-play script is from a male/female perspective, but can be adapted to suit any sexual preference or combination of players.

The High-Priced Escort and the Client

Costumes

ESCORT:
* the sexiest shoes you own
* stockings, knee socks, thigh highs, or stocking-style fishnets
* a garter belt, if required
* super trashy panties (they should be something you’d either be thrilled or slightly embarrassed to be caught in if you got into an accident and had to be whisked away by the paramedics – um, the emergency room scenario should NOT apply to this role-playing game)
* a sexy bra
* a ridiculously short dress or skirt
* a cropped jacket or sexy coat
* a sexy top, if you want to bother with that, or if it makes you feel more confident
* a slightly trashy or over-the-top purse or bag filled with supplies and goodies
* bling – huge earrings, gold chains, body jewelry, toe rings
* fake tattoos
Note: The more detail, the better. Think about who this escort is. Is she smart and polished? Is she trashy and street-smart? Does she have a signature move, like a silk scarf she wears tied around her neck to use for bondage play later? Will she only meet clients wearing four-inch hoops? Does her supply kit contain a fresh pair of underwear that will ‘accidentally’ spill out on the table in front of the client?

THE CLIENT:
* Comfortable, at-home attire (if this is a house call)
* alternatives can include business attire (for a hotel location), club wear or upscale casual if you’re meeting at a bar or lounge, very casual if you’re going to pick up your escort/hooker on the street corner.

HAIR AND MAKEUP – ESCORT:
* Hair should be tastefully over-the-top – style it with large Velcro rollers for big, loose curls, or iron it straight and tease it slightly at the crown
* A pony tail, side pony tail, or pigtails can make great handles
* Very few men can resist a good smoky eye finished with full, glossy lips. Think high, high shine. I love MAC Lip gloss for dress-up. They are really sticky and have real staying power when put to the test. For a truly trashy look, line your lips first with a pencil several shades darker than the gloss. This is often all that is left behind, and for some reason this look makes guys mental.
* Self-tanner like Bare Escentuals Faux Tan is awesome for that fake-tan look. Don’t forget bronzer for your face too!
* Splurge and get a mani/pedi if there is time. Air-brushed French manicure and pedicure are classic

VISUAL AIDS/INSPIRATION:
Makeup Tutorial:

The commentary alone is sexy here.
Note that when she is talking numbers, she’s referring to makeup brush sizes.
Hair Tutorial:

This gal is so, so cute and she has a great on-camera personality. Here is part two:

SETTING THE SCENE:
The escort/client scenario offers lots of possibilities for play. I’d recommend trying this one for the first time somewhere relatively private, where you’ll be most comfortable. If you can play at home, uninhibited by the reminders of your “real life”, then this is a great place to start. Otherwise, the privacy of a cheap motel is awesome.
The escort should arrive on the scene to meet the client. This means if you’re at home, you may have to stage this either by getting ready elsewhere, or by texting each other to avoid ruining the surprise. The idea is to stay out of sight until you arrive at the appointment. Trust me, the anticipation and impact of that first glimpse of you properly tarted-up will do half the work for you.
Take your time getting ready, ladies. You may find that the process of getting made up and dressed up for sex is highly arousing. This scene can even be a total surprise, so long as you have a good cover for why you need an hour plus for prep. Text your man when you are at the ten-minutes-to-show-time mark, so he knows to either hide while you leave the house, or to be ready for your arrival.

Some Suggestions:
If he knows about the scenario that is going to transpire, or he knows that you’re up to something and you’re meeting in public:
TEXT: “Hi [insert name]. It’s [insert ridiculous call-girl name] from the Agency. I’m about ten minutes away and wanted to give you the head’s up.”
Instant hard-on.

If your visit is an at-home surprise:
TEXT: “Hey there. Please hang out in the [insert room in house away from the main entrance]. I’ve got a surprise, and you’ll know what to do next when I’m all ready.”
Instant confusion, and perhaps some panic, until he sees you. Then, instant hard-on.

If the client knows about the scenario, he can prepare drinks, music, and anything else he might like (cameras, towels, toys, movies, etc.). If he doesn’t, try to think ahead and include all of this stuff in your kit.

The kit should be a fully-loaded arsenal of anything or everything you might use to play out the scenario. The sky’s the limit here, really. I would advise that you only use toys that you’re comfortable and experienced with, since you’re supposed to be a pro. This scenario should play out as smoothly as possible, so trying new things in this context isn’t recommended.

When you and your kit are ready to go, slip out of the house (if you’re at home) or head to the meeting place. If you’re meeting on the street or in public, text to make sure that your client is there before you are, to make sure you’re as safe as possible.

THE ARRIVAL:
Be very gracious to your client upon meeting him. Give him your sexiest smile, delicately shake his hand, and introduce yourself with your ridiculous new name. Remember that you are working, that your job is to entirely please your client, and that you’re really great at your job.

Your client may be very sweet. He may offer you a drink, or a snack. Only take these things if offered, and make sure to take whatever is offered to you. (Assuming your partner knows about any pre-existing food allergies, etc.) The only thing that you should request is water if you’re thirsty.

Answer his questions as vaguely and sexily as you can. Don’t offer any personal details, or ask him any personal questions. If you are playing at home, and notice any family photos, do not comment on them. A pro would never make her client reflect on his wife and children. (What kind of naughty, naughty person would have a prostitute in their family home? These are the moments when role-play makes me want to giggle.)

Once you’ve established the introductions, let the games begin, taking the client’s lead. You may decide to settle up payment first, you may decide that the date is on his account (hahaha!) or you may decide to skip this part and just begin to show him your kit. Let him instruct you and remember your only goal is customer satisfaction.

Expect to perform a strip tease and/or a lap dance (you may want to practice this first because yikes!) to remove your clothes. If you aren’t asked to do this, but are comfortable initiating a strip show, then by all means, go ahead you naughty little muffin! Let the client remove his own clothes as he decides that he wants to. DO NOT remove your shoes or your stockings or any jewelry at any point, unless he tells you to.

Enjoy the ride. Both parties should try to remain in character, unless the safe word is used. When you’re ready to end the scenario, you can tag out and then enjoy each other’s descriptions of the experience. As you grow more comfortable with this particular scenario, move the location elsewhere. Costuming may have to be slightly modified for public appearance, but a new locale can pack a powerful punch for both players.

OTHER TIPS:
*If you are asked to strip or dance, take your time. Enjoy the tease.

*Clients, you may want to start out on your best behavior, but as you grow more comfortable in the scene, try to really take on the role of someone who has paid for sex, whatever this means to you. Trust that your partner will give you cues, and will use your safe word if she’s uncomfortable.

*Remove a typical, intimate act from the repertoire – like kissing on the mouth. I know, it’s so “Pretty Woman” but if it’s something you’re both used to, the tease of it being off the table will be so delicious. If your client is good to you, maybe you’ll even bend your own rule.

*Dirty talk and porn star sound effects are absolutely perfect in this scenario. The sky’s the limit here. Challenge yourself to not feel shy or self-conscious.

*Compliment each other as you enjoy how hot you are together. Be dirty with the compliments. We all love to hear these things, believe me.

*Escorts, if you bring a vibe, or if you want to orgasm, don’t try until you ask the client if that’s what they want. If they don’t want it, don’t do it. Wait to get off when the scenario has ended.

*Practice makes perfect. This scenario is so delicious, and open to so many variables. Re-visit it as often as you like. Even go so far as to set up an email address to “schedule appointments”. Really explore your relationship, and the joy of sex that is strictly about getting each other off.

I’d love to hear your feedback! Send me an email or share in comments below. If you have a variation of this scenario that you can recommend, please share it with us.

Enjoy the fantasy. You deserve it, and I hope it makes for a delicious weekend!

 

 

 

 

 

Oh November

Transcendence by Susan Seddon Boulet

A baby fell six stories from out of a window, bounced off a restaurant awning and was caught by a doctor who just happened to be walking by.  This is a true story. Check it out here.

That’s some kind of crazy luck. That’s the kind of luck that I’m calling Paris Luck. I believe that Paris holds some kind of magic, because of my own experience in that fair city – an experience that launched this here blog.

Paris Hope is another great thing I discovered in the City of Lights. I’m clinging hard to that now. When I arrived in Paris my life was in total chaos, and over brimming with uncertainty, yet I had the strangest sense that everything would work out somehow.

That’s just what life does. It works out. You get disappointed, your heart breaks and then you get that new job or new opportunity and you meet someone new to love. That’s my life experience, anyway. Doors open and doors close.

This doesn’t diminish the pain in those transitional moments. I can clearly remember sleeping on air mattresses and sofas, wondering what would happen to me, and wondering where I would find myself once all of the debris had been shoveled away. I’d lie awake at night wondering what was going to happen to me.

At the tender age of 34 I am starting to understand that I have no control over the bigger picture, but I will always have a pretty great sense of what the next day is going to look like, and if I can look at each day one at a time, nothing feels as scary as it once did.

I’ve also learned exactly what I need to build trust, both in myself and in the love I have. I started to worry that I would never find this thing, but in an entirely revealing moment I realized that trust begins with me. When I began to learn to trust my own ability to handle difficult moments, I learned that nobody could shatter me.

This week I learned some very important things:

There is a big difference between being utterly helpless and simply not yet having the tools to deal with conflict, crisis, and distress.

The opinions of people who love me when expressed in a carefully composed, very loving email are received like precious gifts instead of harsh judgments. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out like that. When you emphasize the love you are speaking from it makes all the difference to my ears.

I have made good choices about where to put my heart, even if the big picture has changed.

I am afraid of what will happen next in my life. Though honesty remains the very best policy, it can often come with immense pain. I was and continue to be committed to the love with which I have expressed myself. When you have to deliver difficult news, always do it with all of the love you can muster.

My emotional welfare professionals are incredible, compassionate teachers who I feel have blessed my life. Any one of us deserves to search for a great therapist and open our hearts to the experience of having their support and guidance. You are never too old or too broke to enjoy this.

My body isn’t working the way I want it to. I wait to see if science has a solution, but realize that I have so much that even if science doesn’t have the answers, I am full.

Love is a powerful, magical force that we can only really feel the benefits of if our hearts are as open as they can be. I feel the most strength and safety from love when I allow it to burst forth and wash away my fears.

My work is the baby of my soul. It feeds me as I feed it and fills me with inspiration and purpose. It is my rock in times of pain and confusion. I work every day towards the freedom to always only do the work that is meaningful to me. I will never do a job I hate again.

I am a mother. Wholly and completely with all of my soul. Anything ever said to tarnish the relationship between step-parents and their step-children is a lie. Those girls are as much in my heart as they would be if I had birthed them.

I never knew love could be so deep, so safe, and so inspiring.

You know, perhaps November isn’t really so bad? Perhaps it’s all of the change and transformation that can feel dismal if you forget that spring is around the corner, and will always be right there, no matter how many leaves fall.

 

 

Ushering in a Pantsless Soho Nightcap

Emporio

All the babies I’ve encountered in the city are fussy today. The morning started out hot – a clear dry heat that made me think of Austin, Texas. I threw on an ankle-length gray jersey sun dress and some silvery flats with a turquoise scarf to go downstairs and get coffee with my loves. I hadn’t washed the makeup off from last night, and the effect was a smoky, sleepy, tousled “We just had a great time” kind of thing. Which was true.

Our night started with a trip to Brian’s. Brian is a fund manager, owns a sweet little bachelor pad with a skinny stainless steel fridge that only contains a Brita jug and an entire door full of joint repair protein beverages. I had asked him whether the beverage company was sponsoring him. He’s compact, in perfect shape, bright blue eyes, handsome, and was dismayed that his new cut (sort of a Jarhead meets 80’s fade) had gone awry. He wanted a faux hawk. I don’t think it will matter. I think this guy will get whatever he wants, regardless.

Brian is a nice host. He’s confident, but a little quiet. We have a little “visit” at his place, and then we hop into a cab to meet up with a dude they call Mr. Nice. Nice is a band manager who is touring with his current project. He has a knack for finding bands just poised to launch to stardom. In the squishy little cab a song comes on. I never listen to the radio, so of course I don’t know it, but Brian tells us it was absolutely everywhere in Miami. It has a driving dance beat, and lots of electro sound effects. I cringe as the lyrics begin. I hate this music. It makes me think of the guys I used to secretly lust after in high school, who would never give me the time of day. Music like this is part of my baby brother’s universe, not mine. Then I’m listening to the lyrics more closely, and the beat feels like it’s sinking into my skin. It’s an anthem. An anthem for a generation born into a world where they can have anything – and they do. They eat life in great big fistfuls of beautiful women, sexy cars, and artisan mini-burgers they call “sliders”. They are full, sensory creatures but they are afraid of emotion. They want to taste, and smell, and see, and hear, but they aren’t sure how to feel. They seem fragile to me, and beautiful. The lyrics to this anthem speak to them because they are raw, and real.

We arrive at a bar in the Lower East Side where Mr. Nice is seated on a patio with a girl from Paris. She greets me and pulls me in gently. I give her one air-cheek kiss, not two. I’ll see your charming custom, and raise you my Canadian brassiness. I’ll bet most of the people she meets her have no idea what she’s attempting with that kissy greeting, and I bet they resist her. She’s wearing what I initially thought were Crocs, so I decide she’s not THAT French.

The bar has projected surf scenes on the back wall. It’s tiny inside and packed. The left wall is papered with a giant map of an Australian beach, and the other with paintings of old beach shack signs. There are balloon clusters arranged at the front, which you can view from the street because of the garage-door-style patio opening. There are three clusters; one that says “Good Luck” with some primary colored balloons. One with a giant foil Dora The Explorer (Brian of course has no idea who that is). The other is just sparkly and colourful. They could be any occasion, for any celebration. I decide it’s a ploy to encourage people to bring their parties to the bar.

Our hostess is a pale Aussie brunette. Our waiter is the most exquisite looking Aussie aboriginal I have ever seen. He’s beautiful from every angle with a bold faux-hawk meets pompadour hairstyle streaked with a bleach blond stripe. His teeth are perfect, and he’s definitely a homo. I love him, and his accent.

Every square inch of the bar, and the entire experience is designed to feel like this famous Australian beach, and it’s perfect.

We have a drink there and decide to move on. It’s impossible to get Nice to leave. I’ve realized the man is in a beautiful bubble, and so to lure him with us, we kidnap his Parisienne and stroll down the street to another place that looks like a Paris bistro. It’s so pretty, and I don’t want to leave, but we’re starving and there’s a huge wait for seating. We head diagonally across the street to another bar that totally makes me think of the nicer pubs I’ve seen on college campuses. The kids inside all look like they could be from Burlington (Ontario, of course). It’s the first place we’ve been where I’m not delighted and amazing with the seemingly effortless way that New Yorkers throw their outfits together. The older I get, the more I really, really love fashion.

My boyfriend tells me to read Brian’s palms. I have no idea how to do this, but Brian doesn’t know, so I go through the motions that I witnessed when my boyfriend’s father read mine, and I fake it, filtering out the noise around me to just say the first things that pop into my head. I decide quickly that the way you move your hands is significant, and that each finger is tied to a different aspect of your life. The degree of resistance when I touch the fingers is indicative of your emotional relationship to those aspects. I squeeze the pads of his hands to see how firm they are. I don’t even focus on the lines and meridians, because I have no idea what’s what. I won’t tell you what I said, because I know I mostly nailed it, but I think Brian was impressed. So were my peeps.

Brian and my fella decide to order one of everything on the menu. To my absolute delight, I realize that everything is inspired by comfort food, but bigged up to meet the demands of this city’s exquisite palette. I wish my buddy Josh were here. Or my brother. Or both. I’m also slightly regretting the chocolate porter I’ve ordered. Hello carbs!

We smash through the food and it’s all delicious, but what killed me was their mac and cheese. Mac and cheese should be taken seriously, and they totally and completely understand this. It was easily the best I’ve ever had, with a hint of dried basil included in the creamy sauce. I miss pasta, so I didn’t hold back.

Once we’re full to the point where my painted-on jeans just can’t take it anymore, we decide to head. We’re not sure where we’re going next, but we hop in a cab and head back to Soho where we’re staying. Brian is working the next day, so he decides to leave us, and the three of us step into Emporio, the beautiful restaurant across the street for a dessert to share (god help me) and a bottle of sparkling Italian dessert wine.

I order the tiramisu and my love orders the pannacotta. We share it three ways and though it’s incredible, all I can think of is how tight my pants are. My girl gets sleepy, so she excuses herself to head back to the apartment to crash, and we continue on. Beautiful, emotional conversation is had, and the bottle is empty. I’m uncomfortable, and I say as much.

“Take off your pants” says my love. “I dare you to.”

I laugh. I’m wearing a killer pair of black platforms and a strapless top that could be pressed into service as an obscenely short dress. I consider this.

“C’mon” he says. “I’ve paid the bill. Go to the bathroom, take off your pants, and meet me at the door.”

“I bet nobody will notice” I say. The restaurant is half full.

I’m still skeptical. I’m not drunk enough to really engage in such antics. Then comes the straw breaks the camel’s back.

“It will make Adam’s week.” says my love.

Adam, my friend who I’ve never met, who has given us this beautiful night of good company and good food by letting us crash in his empty apartment. Adam who is managing things that no child should have to manage, far away from all of these open, entertaining people who are his boys. Adam, who I’m sure you can feel smiling all the way from Long Island.

I get up and head to the can. I pull off my jeans, take one final piss, and then fluff up my hair, put back my shoulders and open the door. Our waiter sees me first, and looks directly at the pants folded over my arm. My full tummy is free, my ivory legs are unleashed for the world to see, and my shoes are the only reason this ridiculous outfit could work. I stride through the restaurant, head held high, breeze tickling my white ass, hand my pants to my love, walk out the door and pronounce “This one’s for you, Adam.”