Ok brain. Thank you for kicking in at 12:00 am. That was pretty funny, to take an entire day off, and then keep me up all night, and have me in knots all day today.
I pulled down a post because you can’t decide whether or not it was too personal. I think the point of the blog is to not edit like that, brain.
I really feel like you’re screwing things up for me right now. Heart and gut are supposed to be doing all the work these days, and you keep sticking your brainy nose in, and confusing everything. And for an organ that’s supposed to be so smart, I really feel like you’re making some stupid decisions. In fact, I don’t think you should be making any decisions at all right now, unless they are completely inane and rudimentary. We had an agreement that after those big, life-altering decisions that led us here, and to Paris, you would just go on sabbatical, and let us enjoy this summer of freedom. Heart, gut, and I were really looking forward to fueling up the love tank, and enjoying summer dresses and pretty sandals.
Now we have to take action. We’re evicting you. We realize that this could lead to big trouble for the rest of us (especially liver, and well, let’s face it any of those gals below the waist) but we don’t care. We were doing you a favour by taking charge while you kicked back and relaxed, but you’re so damn stubborn! The rest of us have agreed to let you come back in the fall to assess any progress or damage we’ve made over the next couple of months, but for now you’ll have to settle for just watching. We know how hard that will be for you.
While any upcoming job interviews or mathematical equations will surely be a challenge, we are particularly enthusiastic about allowing tongue and nose make all of the decisions about food for the summer, because they don’t care how big ass is, AND YES WE REALIZE NOSE ISN’T AN ORGAN! We’re also looking forward to having skin, eyes, and soul (yes, that’s right, soul) take over whipping the apartment into shape.
And get this – skin is teaming up with uterus to make any and all dating decisions.
Now, now. Screaming won’t change our mind.
A saucy young window washer repelled off the side of my building today and dropped down in front of me like Spiderman.
“Hmmmm….” I thought. “This is an interesting way to start the day – men raining down from the sky with a wink and a nod.”
That was when I decided to shut off my brain for the entire day. It’s been working incredibly well. Even when I found out my contractor hasn’t been in the apartment all week, and not a single thing has been done. I began to fret momentarily, but then reminded myself that my brain was off, and therefore I couldn’t worry or get anxious about the renovations that just aren’t happening.
I toured around the city today with Megan in tow. Megan is my cousin’s beautiful yellow lab puppy, and she and I are hanging out this week in her lovely Yorkville condo while her dads are in Scotland. We went to meetings and ran work errands, and it was lovely and hot. Everyone wanted to say hello to her. She’s incredibly cute.
After I dropped her off, I popped by the office, and decided to walk because it was so lovely and steamy outside. I’ve been making a habit of smiling as much as I can to people on the street. I’ve decided to officially launch a “Gracious Living” movement, whereby I embrace nostalgia and a slower pace, and really try to feel connected with people. I’m generally pretty good at this, but I want to encourage others to try it too.
So, I’m walking, and smiling, and stopping in the flower markets, and strangers are striking up conversation, and I’m exchanging pleasantries, and helping them pick out bouquets for their wives. I got an iced coffee from a great little place on Dupont called Ezra’s Pound, where the lovely Max gave me the scoop on the very handsome Ezra, who is apparently in Tofino, and apparently common-law with kids. I hit Shopper’s Drug Mart and picked out a delightful shade of orange polish that will give me the Popsicle Toes I’ve been craving. Now I’m going to take a nap, because I’ve spent a couple of hours doing actual work, but nothing that required my brain.
I may try to carry this through the weekend.
I wanted to buy new peonies because the beautiful ones my aunt left for me from her garden are starting to wilt, but they were $20 a bouquet! They really are so exquisite though.
The Fortress of Solitude will always have fresh flowers. That is the first rule. Hmmm…if my brain weren’t shut off, I might take this moment to think up a list of fun rules for the Fortress. Maybe some more will pop into my head while I’m napping.
Tonight I’m busting out that new lilac sun dress. Look out Yorkville. It’s a simple, sunny day here in Schnooville!
Today, I feel that maybe it’s a bad idea for me to be dating anyone. After recently moving away from so much hurt, it’s still so close to the surface, and I can feel my old sensitivities being irritated all the time. For four years, I was in hot pursuit. I was adoring, attentive, I lavished love, and support, and so much care, and in turn spent much of my time waiting, and yearning, and wanting. I felt invisible, unwanted, unattractive, and largely unhappy. Every aspect of our relationship was on his terms so much of the time; when we went out, when we behaved like a couple, when we had sex. I felt I was always begging him to put down his work, or his emotional walls and live in the world with me. Mostly I felt really, really lonely which is a very strange way to feel when you are living with someone. I couldn’t wait or want anymore, and so that was it.
If I’m going to put my toes in the water of love right now it has to be very sweet, and perhaps I just need too much…maybe that water is just too deep while I still feel like a sinker.
When I love, that person becomes the centre of the universe for me. Everything in my life takes a backseat, and I think I’m realizing now that this is exactly what I’ve been doing wrong. Fine. I can get my head around that.
But you know, if I’m going to feel like loving you, I want your time, and your attention. I want to really be adored this time. I’m good for it. I’ll give it back, I swear, but I just don’t want to ever have to fight for it again. I just can’t do it.
If I’m going to plant a seed, it needs to be watered and fed this time. I can’t make something grow in a drought. I tried to make that happen. It’s a choking, tragic exercise in horticulture.
So, here’s what I’m going to do…
My crazy apartment will slowly become my fortress of solitude. I will build it full of the wisdom of my ancestors, treasured memories from my home planet, beautiful light-catching objects, and clean, crisp lines. Every now and again I may fly in a Lois Lane, to catch a glimpse of what my innermost world looks like, but I will accept and understand with a super-sized heart like this, a normal relationship might not be in the stars.
I lost my dog for four hours on Saturday, and it was the greatest hysteria I have ever known. It was a bad judgment call on my part. I left him in the yard, which wasn’t totally secure. He had spent lots of time there through the week, and had been just fine. Saturday he decided to fly the coop. It was sheer hell. I had to recruit my ex, which was the last thing I wanted to do, and panic ensued as we all went hunting for him. My friends were even awesome enough to borrow a friend’s car and do a High Park stake out, using their own pup as a make-shift bloodhound. Finally, someone in the neighbourhood called to say they got my phone number from animal services, and that her daughter had found Arthur wandering on my street. We scooped him up, and he was completely unscathed. In fact, I thought he looked a little smug. It was a tearful reunion for both parents, but I have never been so scared in all my life.
It started to make me wonder…
I am one of the most nurturing, care-taking people I know. This is not horn-tooting, it’s just simple fact. I’m built for love, and when I have someone or something to love, then I’m really in my element. The love I feel for my dog (which is more than I can get my head around sometimes) is a mere fraction of the love I would feel for a child. Now, I know I would one day like to have a baby, but I realized on Saturday that once you have a kid you must never really sleep properly again. How could you relax? How do parents stop themselves from spiraling into complete and utter hysteria? How do they not project that fear onto their children? I’m nearly hysterical just thinking about it. Do I have the chops to really take all that on if I can’t even manage to keep a dog in the yard???
Between the trauma of loosing my dog, my weekend was book-ended by a rapturous fever, which resulted in about 17 hours of sleep each night on Friday and Saturday. Sunday, my eyes are glittering like a consumptive, my lips are swollen and raw, and I feel almost completely numb. It’s like the weekend served me a great big slap to slow me down and have me take stock.
What am I taking stock of, exactly? My foothold in reality has felt a bit slippery, that’s for sure. It’s been impossible to focus on anything, and I think it’s the panic I’m feeling over not having a home. Still. If my renos aren’t finished soon, I’m going to totally loose it. All I want is my own bed, and a clean apartment, with a well stocked fridge. I don’t feel like that’s too much to ask for.
Fortunately, this week I’m house/dog sitting for my cousin and his partner at their amazing, clean, un-cluttered condo. It’s like a boutique hotel compared to what I’m used to. I’ll be purging a hell of a lot more once I’m back in my own place, because I know how sweet it is to live without crap everywhere. It’s very Parisian.
God, Paris feels like a far away dream these days.
This entry could only be more whiny if I included a high pitched squealing audio track.
I promise not to write again unless it’s more interesting, and less self-pitying.
Perhaps a little more sexy wouldn’t hurt either.
I’m back in sync with the moon. It took a while, but here we are, and now I have to be careful about when I decide to host dinner parties because it becomes a Like Water For Chocolate extravaganza.
I vow to use this power for good and not evil.
I have asked the universe for joy and love and laughter in abundance. As it turns out, I already have a lot of that. My friends are the greatest force in my world. They inspire me to be a better person, and they make my heart want to burst. I can cook for hours and create a ridiculous amount of food, and still want to send THEM a thank you email for being in my life, and giving me such a lovely, crazy family to cook for.
It makes me so happy to feed them, and give them a place to gather and laugh, and share battle stories.
Tonight, I think everything I cooked was infused with the love I feel for my friends.
One day, I hope that I have a huge table that easily seats a dozen people, and we can gather with kids and dogs, and I can spend two days preparing a glorious spread that will make each and every one of them know that they have given me such joy, and made me feel so strong in the moments that I needed it most.
I want to be the crazy auntie to their children, and I want the haven that they can escape to when they want out of the city. I want noble dogs that they can romp with, or curl up next to by the fire, and I want the most comfortable beds where they can lay their heads and rest. I want the fiercest fire pit with the most voracious playing of acoustic guitar, and raucous warbling of classic tunes that nobody really knows all the lyrics to.
I want a bed and breakfast where only the people I love are invited, and there is no such thing as off-season.
I also want someone fabulous to run it with me, who can make a mean breakfast, and who knows all the chords to my favourite songs, so to speak.
Can you hear me universe?