It’s the full moon. The first of two in the month of October. My friend Jenny Arndt tells me that this moon is in Aries and I know that means it’s the moon of my inner warrior. I always give things to the full moon. Things that no longer serve me. So in the interest of release, and for the honour of my personal battle, here’s the next instalment of this post series.
The bargaining phase of Kubler Ross’ stages of grief is described as the point when we struggle to find meaning, we reach out too often, and we tell our story. It’s the ‘what if’ phase. Have you ever tried this exercise in your healing practice? It’s a rabbit hole, to be sure.
I had to take a big breath for this one, and I put pen to paper first.
What if I hadn’t been the first to reach out?
What if I hadn’t decided to be exclusive?
What if I wasn’t afraid that I was running out of chances at love?
What if I decided that he didn’t seem ready?
What if I stopped making plans?
What if I’d put my energy towards me instead?
What if I wasn’t aching for a family again?
What If I’d stayed away last September?
What if I hadn’t offered to help launch that business?
What if I was less attached to my son’s father?
What if I could change my love languages?
What if I were better at trust?
What If I didn’t need to feel adored?
What if I tried harder to feel him?
What if I hadn’t panicked?
What if I’d stayed in school?
What if he hadn’t moved in?
What if I’d invested my energy into my practice?
What if I’d stuck to my guns?
What if I was always running?
What if I’d had more faith?
What if I could have believed he’d be back?
What if I’d done three more sessions?
What if I was wrong?
What if he was wrong?
What if he has more to say?
What if this is exactly what is supposed to happen?
What if we’re both better off this way?
What if I’ve found something I wouldn’t have otherwise?
What if this isn’t the end of our story?
What if it is?
To the moon I give all of these questions that cannot be answered, and I ask for peace and clarity as I move ahead with my journey.