Lovers, here’s a little secret for you. Over half the women I know who are challenged by maintaining their sex drive tell me that life is too busy to focus on sex. Responsibilities like work, home upkeep, children and pets all seem to get in the way. Often, we are the very last thing on the to-do list, and we’re usually too tired for sex. These tips for a sexier life are for you.
You describe your family as ‘polyamorous’, but what is polyamory anyway? There’s lots of information on the internet, but it would be nice to hear how you define it.
Thanks for sharing,
As a predominately (mostly? bi-and-large?) hetero, entirely feminist woman, I sometimes find it hard to find porn that appeals to me. I get turned on by watching women and men both, in pretty much any combination. My challenge is that most porn features women and men whose bodies I don’t find real enough to be attractive – by which I mean, they are overly produced, hairless, and not soft and sexy and beautifully flawed like the humans I know and love. I find that I love burlesque photos, black-and-white shots, and photos that are artistic, highly suggestive or even explicit, as long as they look believable. Photos that give you the feeling of consensual voyeurism. A few years ago, you mentioned a video porn site on your blog that I really loved that featured real women having real orgasms. I’m looking for more suggestions of great erotica, featuring gorgeous, real, fucking hot people. Pretty much a Les Coquettes show, but in pictures…with more sex. How do I find great porn for women?
Got any ideas?
If that isn’t the best kind of gauntlet throw down, I don’t know what is! I was so excited to get your note, I went into overload trying to find the very best answers, because I know that this post is going to make A LOT of women happy.
My first move was to turn to one of my very sexy friends, Sex Educator and artist Sonya JF Barnett. Sonya has incredible taste, and she’s deeply invested in creating sex-positive, pro female erotic art. In 2013 won the Golden Beaver (best Canadian content) at the Feminist Porn Awards for her premiere erotic video ‘Because I Want You to Watch’, and in 2015 she won the Best Erotic Short award for Pachisi. You can check out her ridiculously sexy work here.
Sonya immediately recommended Cindy Gallop’s “Make Love Not Porn” . This is a fascinating web-based profit-share where real people create and share real porn. They don’t like to call themselves amateurs, because of the implication that the only people who can create sexy porn are the pros. I particularly enjoyed Cindy’s amusing and accurate look at the ‘Porn World vs. Real World’. When your kids discover porn, and are old enough to contextualize sex in more explicit terms, this will be highly illuminating and informative for them. As Cindy says in her Ted Talk (see video below) about the influence of hardcore porn on contemporary sexuality, “Sex is the area of human experience that embraces the vastest possible range of proclivities.” The important task of being true to our own desires and needs lies with us.
B, the website featuring real female orgasm that you reference in your note is the delightful I Feel Myself. It’s a members-only site, but well worth the fee if that’s what makes you warm and tingly.
To make sure I’ve thoroughly satisfied you, I also wanted to share the information below which I first published on my sex education blog.
I like porn. The more deeply I delve into the world of adult video, the more I like the genre. It’s hard to believe that once-upon-a-time I used to be intimidated by the idea of watching x-rated movies. I think I believed that porn was only for guys, that I would feel inadequate if I watched surgically enhanced women getting it on, and that porn was degrading to women. This is true in some cases, but like all things wonderful about the Internet, with enough digging, there’s something out there for everyone. Even you, my horny sisters.
Here are some things to consider when delving into porn for the first time:
Plan to be all alone the first few times you watch porn. Whether it’s free stuff you find on the Internet or a video that you’ve rented, watching solo takes any pressure off, and frees you up to explore what makes you feel good.
Bring a Toy
If you find something particularly arousing, run with it! Note which scenarios and sex acts make you the happiest. Also note the directors or performers involved in your favorite scenes.
Keep the Other Hand on the Remote
Fast forward through the boring parts. This is part of the joy of watching porn. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a feature-length adult movie from start to finish.
Visit Your Favorite Pro-Women Sex Shop
These stores are staffed with awesome people who will make you totally comfortable in asking questions. They often have a rental section, and will gladly make recommendations. Save yourself from the experience of a trashy, alienating sex shop geared towards men. There are also lots of online resources for sex-positive porn from a female perspective.
The face of porn is changing as smart, savvy women are stepping up to the director’s chair. Feminist porn describes x-rated movies told from a woman’s perspective, and includes real female fantasies and POV (point-of-view) shots from the female angle. Some kick-ass female directors include:
Check out this great website, Porn Movies for Women, for more recommendations.
While you’re sure to be inspired by some of the scenarios you’ll see in porn, sexual education videos can also be incredibly hot. Add some of these to your DVD library, and plan a study date solo or with a buddy.
If you think that dress-up might be your thing, look for costume epics and historical dramas within the porn genre.
It’s hard to believe, but there are porn films out there that actually have decent story lines. Look for films by Candida Royale, Paul Thomas, and Veronica Hart who are all known for their story-telling abilities.
If you don’t get off on the artificial fantasy body of many main-stream porn stars, there are lots of actresses out these still kicking it au-natural. Some mainstream porn recommendations include Belladonna and Tori Black. True lesbian porn almost always features natural women. Also, good old-fashioned 70’s porn features natural bodies, including lots of bush. Consider yourself warned.
Check out the realm of porn created with no budget and a handy-cam by earnest, hard-working average Joes and Janes. Charming, and sometimes quite sexy.
Lesbian or Bi-curious
Curious about the wonderful world of girl-on-girl? Lesbian films, produced by lesbian artists depict realistic lesbian sex. Or, treat yourself to the high-gloss, ultra stylized world of male fantasy lesbian hardcore. Some days it’s hard to decide which is better.
Up until recently, men in porn have more or less served as super-sized units attached to ugly people. With women in the driver’s seat, porn actors are getting yummier and yummier. Actors Manuel Ferrara, Jean Val Jean and Mr. Marcus are popular favorites. Director Anna Span is notorious for treating her viewers to hot guys. There’s also the option of kicking back to enjoy some gay porn. Those boys rarely disappoint when it comes to pretty faces.
Porn for Couples
This is an actual sub-genre of the porn industry. You can search for this on the Internet, and lots of delicious choices will appear. Couples’ porn has something for each person to enjoy, and often depicts real fantasies shared by people in monogamous relationships.
For a highly stylized treat that looks like the pages of a fashion magazine has sprung to life and started a hump-fest, check out the work of director Andrew Blake. Another noteworthy contemporary is Michael Ninn.
Challenge your comfort zone and expand your horizons by experiencing kinky sex from the safe distance of your sofa. BDSM (an acronym that represents the idea of bondage, discipline, domination, and sado-masochism) and fetishistic sex come alive in ways you can scarcely imagine in the world of porn.
It boggles the mind to think of how much porn is available for free on the Internet. Now that you have some tips on what to look for, set aside several hours (no joke, you won’t be able to stop yourself) and check out the endless selection available at the following unbelievably comprehensive one-stop shop. Thanks Porn Dude for all of the time you’ve invested in making sure the masses can get off. WARNING: MANY OF THESE FEATURED SITES MOSTLY FEATURE MAINSTREAM PORN, NOT USUALLY FROM A FEMINIST PERSPECTIVE
Let Someone Else do the Work
For the Girls is a subscription-based website that features naughty photos, video, and stories chosen for women by women. A trial membership could be a fun way to introduce yourself to the world of adult entertainment.
Read All About It
There are some great books devoted to the topic of women and porn. If you’d like to arm yourself with as much info as possible before diving in, check out these great titles:
Do my readers have any steadfast sources of great feminist porn? Share here so we can all enjoy!
Kisses on your nose,
Full Disclosure: This post is one of several sexy role play scenarios, written in the spirit of adding some playfulness and passion to the bedroom. I thought of it while watching that hilarious episode of Modern Family where Clair and Phil go to a hotel bar and pretend they’re meeting for the first time. It’s a very detailed script complete with hair and makeup video tutorials and (affiliate) links in case you want to buy some of the props and products suggested. Enjoy!