Cat Skinner Club

I’m Not Going Anywhere

A genuine shrunken head

Some people still believe in this. They can look you in the eye and say it with complete conviction.

I used to be one of those people.

Now life and love have taught me that our best intentions can often be foiled by the complex machinations of the universe. That forever and ever are words best left to describe diamonds, or the hole in the ozone layer. We just don’t know when the jig is up, and any jig is subject to this rule.

But still…what a beautiful thing to hear: “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you.”

Even though I can’t believe in the phrase, I can believe in the intention. That was my revelation this week past. I can believe again, really believe in the possibility and the power of love.

Life has been a bit tricky of late. Big questions needing firm answers, big issues needing the whole team to tackle them. Big possibility at work, requiring big focus and big attention.

While my first instinct is to run for the hills, I did just the opposite and tried to roll up all of my sleeves and dig in. Huge, difficult conversations were had. Feelings and wants and needs laid out on the table. Commitments and promises were made, and now I sit and wait for the follow through. I wait to see how it all shakes out.

My therapist asked me a question last week that I was surprised I could not immediately answer. As I meditate on this, I think it’s becoming more clear. “What do you need?”

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Stability
Security
Support
Inspiration
Friendship
Love
Laughter
Passion
Family
A quiet room of my own
Strong Partners
Opportunity
Trust
Faith
A king sized bed

Now, I ask you:

What do you want?

I Love Ya, Tomorrow.

Dear Readers,

I feel I must thank you for your gentle words of concern, but perhaps also remind you that this little universe here, this corner we call Schnooville, is a place to filter out the contents of my wee noggin.

Some days feel like the be all and end all. Then, we settle into an evening of quiet talking, snuggling on the couch and watching Deadwood after a ceremonial shot of Jack Daniels.

For those of you who have been following for a while, you’ll know that my domestic life is unique, and sometimes when you are living without a guide, things can feel big, and scary.

The best thing about hiccups is that when you relax and breathe, they eventually go away.

I am blessed to have so much love, and to have amazing people to give my love to. People who I trust implicitly, and who I know will be at my side as I figure out all the next steps of my life.

I think I can jump, and though I may snag a couple of branches on the way down, I’m fairly sure the landing will be good.

How I wish I could write more here. I guess you’ll just have to wait for the book.

Thursday is my favourite day of the week. Make yours a good one.

With Love,

Schnoo

Joga – Bjork

All of these accidents that happen
follow the dots
coincidence makes sense
only with you
you don’t have to speak
i feel
emotional landscapes
they puzzle me

then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this:

…state of emergency…
…how beautiful to be!…
…state of emergency…
…is where i want to be…

all that no one sees
you see
what’s inside of me
every nerve that hurts you heal
deep inside of me
you don’t have to speak – i feel
emotional landscapes
they puzzle me
confuse

then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this:

…state of emergency…
…how beautiful to be!…
…state of emergency…
…is where i want to be…

…state of emergency…

…state of emergency…

Nine Lives

I’m a lion, I’m a cat, and I’m a fire dragon. I credit these things for my ability to mostly bounce back from whatever life might toss in my direction. I’m good with things like hope, most of the time.

Today, I feel like I’m on the precipice again. Looking up, and looking way, way down. If I step off, I’m sure to plummet, but there’s always the possibility that somewhere down there, through the fog and haze, is a fluffy clearing where I will land softly and beautifully, and triumphant.

How does one gather the nerve to step off the ledge, over and over again? Even with a perfect record of brilliantly executed landings, or just a few minor bumps and scrapes, there is always the possibility that the next plunge might be your last. It’s possible that the fall will be so bad, there’s no bouncing back, and you’ll never again get the chance to consider pushing off with your toes.

I’m so tired. Deeply tired, down to my very core. I look into the mirror, into the eyes of a woman I know very well, and neither one of us can tell me how much strength is left there.

Ask my mom – if I am not good at something, I get overwhelmed with frustration and anger. I didn’t know this, but as a child, she’d have to intercept and cease activities so that I wouldn’t spiral into the pit of despair. All this time I’d thought she was just really impatient with me. Now, as an adult, if I can’t do something well I lose interest, shut down, or just get angry with myself. I’m eyeballing affairs of the heart right now with the same wary look I give to mathematical equations.

This time I’ve given it my all. I’ve emptied all my pockets and laid everything out on the table. I’ve opened up my heart wider than I even imagined it’s rusty hinges would allow. I’ve loved with every cell in my body.

The desire to jump off the cliff is not enough. Love is not enough. You need trust, and faith, and communication, and security. I need to know that if I’m going to jump, there’s a safe landing at the bottom. That there will always be a safe landing. My helmet and my knee pads are completely useless if there is not.

In fact, it’s probably smarter to just walk away from the ledge if you have no idea what’s at the bottom.

Will all these hands catch me?

Ahhhh….

Gina Puttanesca from our Halloween Show - photo by Ryan Visima

I’m tucked away in the bowels of the Lower Ossington Theatre watching beautiful adults gyrate on each other and I feel like myself again.

Sentences like this are what separates me from the rest of the pack, I think.

Tonight is our first rehearsal for Les Coquettes’ first Valentine’s Day show which we are calling “Love Story”. It’s our first appearance at Lower Ossington. It will be a new audience, and because it’s the holiday made for love, we want to put our best feet forward.

Allison Villa is an amazing choreographer. We’re working on her solo, which is the song “Be Italian” from the musical “Nine”. It’s perfect for her stage persona “Gina Puttanesca” and done as a group chair dance, using all of our handsome man props, it’s going to be HAWT. I’m very excited.

The producer who booked us here sadly missed Allison in action at our holiday show, so I can’t wait to unleash her on February 13th. In fact, this will be some of the finest work we’ve created.

I can’t believe what a talented, dedicated group we have. Plus they’re all so easy on the eyes.

My work makes me so happy.

Next on the schedule tonight – Ravel’s Bolero. We premiered this at Opera Nation last year for the Canadian Opera Company in 2008. The brilliant Kathryn Romanow created this. She’s our choreographer, and my business partner.

Such a colourful, beautiful distraction.

Embrace Tiger, Return to Mountain

Despite this clear, sunny, temperate day I feel very small and very uncertain.

Yes, I look forward to starting rehearsals tonight for our Valentine’s day extravaganza. True I have lots of exciting professional stuff going on. Overall, I have lots to feel humble about.

Brain and gut are tapping me on the shoulder though. When I turn to address them, brain has her arms crossed and she’s shaking her head at me. Gut has his eyes down cast and is shuffling his feet. When he can’t look me in the eye, I get very uneasy indeed.

It’s the kind of day that merits coffee, and an extended sit-down with my journal. List making kinds of activities are on the horizon, starting with the “what I need” list.

Perhaps I’ve been a little idealistic. Some might even say delusional. I believe that all the choices I have made have been based on remarkable, compelling evidence in favour of these decisions.

Now, I will sift carefully through the zip-locked bags of Exhibit A’s and Exhibit B’s and re-examine the case. These periodic evaluations are essential, I think, especially when we’re talking about a possible life-sentence.

The best outcome, of course, is to realize that there is no trial, or investigation required. To realize that peace and prosperity prevail, and everything I’ve dreamed of is not only possible, but probable.

Perhaps tomorrow will feel just like that.