Too Tired for Sex? Try These Easy Steps.

Lovers, here’s a little secret for you. Over half the women I know who are challenged by maintaining their sex drive tell me that life is too busy to focus on sex. Responsibilities like work, home upkeep, children and pets all seem to get in the way. Often, we are the very last thing on the to-do list, and we’re usually too tired for sex.

What if I told you an active sex life is as important to your body and soul as going to the gym, or yoga, or meditating? Like, other forms of exercise, sexual activity is rejuvenating and restorative and can fill up your energy reservoir. Whether you have a partner to share your sexuality with, or if you are the only one currently enjoying your sexual self, a good hearty helping of orgasmic yum is a vital part of a balanced, happy you.

As I fell out of bed this morning, simultaneously trying to put on some pants and collect a sleepy toddler, the last thing on my mind was feeling sexy, but even in the midst of our busy lives, I think we deserve little reminders of our sensual selves. One of the easiest ways to keep in touch with your mojo is to surround yourself with things that make you feel sexy.

Guys, these simple tips can help you turn your bachelor pad into a serious love shack where your lady friends will feel welcome, and most importantly, at ease. If you’re partnered up, these simple adjustments to your love nest will score major bj points. Ladies,build simple, beautiful reminders of sex into your home, and you just might notice that you’re getting done as frequently as the laundry.

Playboy Mommy’s Top Ten Tips for Sensual Living:

1.) Keep your space clean, and clutter-free.
Relaxation is key to enjoying sexy times. If you devote a couple of short hours each week to a thorough tidy-up (enlisting the other members of your household, particularly any who may want to get it on with you) your space will be filled with harmony, ready for surprise drop-ins at any moment, and a lovely, welcoming place for you to unwind and let loose.

2.) Add flowers to your favorite rooms.
If you or your housemates are free of flower allergies, this is a simple, easy way to romance yourself. Weekend markets offer a wide array of bright, affordable blooms and one of my favorite Saturday rituals is strolling through the market stalls and selecting some fragrant buds to arrange at home. Fellas, choose simple tropical flowers, which are more sculptural and bold than girlie and pretty (Bird of Paradise is a nice choice). If you’re worried that flowers in your man cave may send the wrong message, tell her one of your female colleagues bought them as a thank you gift, and be elusive about the project that you helped said colleague with.

3.) Candles add instant sexy to any space.
Choose simple, neutral colors and quality candles that will burn nicely and not make a huge mess. Scented candles can be lovely too, but not everyone enjoys scented stuff. Sometimes an overpowering fragrance can be a huge buzz kill. A mild vanilla scent is almost always a safe bet because most people love the smell of cookies, unless they are evil.

4.) Pamper!
We just don’t give ourselves enough time to simply luxuriate and pamper ourselves. Men, this goes for you too. Once a week, set aside an hour for yourself to relax in the tub, or have an extra long, steamy shower. Make sure your hands and feet are in great shape. Groom any body hair that needs maintenance. Enjoy your favorite bath and body treatments, and really focus on your skin, and the sensation of your own attention on your body. If you can afford to take more than an hour per week, really max out your time here and enjoy each moment of peace. I often fake constipation so I have a great excuse for prolonged bathroom visits.

5.) Consider set decorating.
One simple, sexy prop strategically placed in your bedroom and bathroom can be all the gentle reminder that you need to maintain your own sense of sensuality. Hang your favorite silk slip or negligée on the back of your bedroom door. Make a date with yourself to sleep in it at least once a week, whether or not you have company. Hand wash your sexiest lingerie and hang it up in the bathroom to be discovered. Spend a lazy Sunday with nothing on but your favorite sexy robe, with a touch of makeup and some attention to your hair, if that makes you feel sexier. If you don’t own lingerie, please, please do yourself a favor and buy a couple of pieces to get started – even if there is no lover immediately on the horizon. Guys, nothing makes a woman crazier than a thick, white, terry cloth robe. Even if you don’t think you’ll ever wear one, buy one ASAP and use it as a prop in your room. Something about these makes us think of steamy hot showers and blow jobs. No joke. Just remember to cut the tags off.

6.) Eat chocolate.
Unless you have an allergy (my condolences) or just aren’t into it (though I’m not sure how that’s possible) you should have a bar of high quality, dark chocolate on hand no matter what. One little square is sometimes all you need to satisfy a craving, at least a sugar craving, and chocolate can come in handy in all kinds of other ways. It’s nice to keep whipping cream on hand all of the time, because you never know when you might need it. On someone’s belly.

7.) Bottoms Up!
Little else beats the perfect cocktail or glass of wine at the end of the work day as you’re unwinding or enjoying dinner. I’m not talking about tying one on, I’m just talking about that savory experience of appreciating your favorite grown-up drink, like those sexy Europeans. There’s even a fair bit of research that indicates moderate drinking can be good for your heart. For you non-drinkers, maybe your grown-up drink of choice is an exotic tea blend. Whatever your choice is, make it into a little ritual where you simply focus on taste, and how that particular liquid makes your body feel.

8.) Read grown up bedtime stories.
Long before I became a writer, I learned to love reading erotica. As tweens, my friends and I would buy second-hand romance novels, the ridiculously over-the-top ones with heaving bosoms and swarthy pirates, and highlight all of the sex scenes. We’d read these to each other at slumber parties with sheer delight. Erotica now has mass appeal, and there really is something for everyone. I recommend this as an alternative to porn, if porn isn’t your thing because it engages the imagination, and really gets your sensual brain in overdrive. The mind is the most important sex organ, and one or two naughty bedtime stories will add spark to your waking life, and weave some seriously yummy themes through your dreaming.

9.) Exercise.
If you want your body to feel alive and sexy, you have to take good care of it. This may seem really obvious, but we often find ourselves so bogged down by work and life that fitness and nutrition take a real back seat to everything else. Make sure you are doing some type of exercise activity each and every day, and take a look at the fuel you are giving your body. I’ve recently been through a total overhaul, and I can’t tell you what a difference it has made to my self-image and sex life. Meowr.

10.) Enjoy solo play dates.
If you don’t masturbate, it’s time to start. Self-love is absolutely essential to a great sex life, and overall wellness, and anyone who tells you any different has some other agenda that you don’t need to concern yourself with. Understanding how your body works and what you enjoy in terms of touch and stimulus is the key to great partner sex. If you don’t masturbate daily, start by promising to explore your own body weekly. Don’t pressure yourself to have an orgasm, just really enjoy the process. The only goal here is to explore and see what your body can teach you.

Even if you can’t implement all ten tips, challenge yourself to try as many as you can. When we take the time to focus on our sensual selves, when we embrace sensuality as part of our daily grind (I couldn’t resist), and we open doors to sensual possibilities that might have otherwise been lost to the daily shuffle. Life is too short to not be a little bit sexy every day.

Reclaiming Mojo


There are days when I still feel like this, which in my experience, was NOT sexy.

I wasn’t going to be one of those women. You know, the ones who let their bodies go after baby, and give up on sex. Guess what? I’m still about fifteen pounds more than I’d like to be and my baby is ten months old and sex…well…let’s just say it’s a good thing there are two mamas in our house!

Don’t misunderstand, fitness and sex are still very important to me, but it seems like there’s always something that takes priority over both. Things like sleeping, and showering, and the ever-growing mountain of laundry, and writing! Once I hit that point in the evening that should be reserved for grown up things like pumping iron or pumping you-know-what I am too tired to contemplate either.

A wise woman pointed out that because I’m still breastfeeding my ten-month-old son I have a constant supply of oxytocin, so I might feel a little less compelled to get it on. I thought this made sense until I realized that I’m still craving chocolate all of the time.

I’ve deduced that I’m in a rut. This rut is fueled by some huge life changes including a baby and a big move; it’s fueled by that extra fifteen pounds that feels defeating and impossible to conquer; and it’s fueled by my total and complete lack of exercise – the classic catch 22. It’s my job to help people feel sexy, so imagine the conundrum I face in not feeling very sexy myself! I’m sharing this in the hope that it might encourage some of you to be gentle with yourselves. I, for one, am fed up with feeling guilty and sad about not feeling very sexy. I’m also done with feeling dumpy, frumpy and exhausted all of the time, so I’m going to make a promise to myself to reclaim my physical fitness and my mojo. Here are some tips for any of you who are in the same rut, with or without babies in the mix.

1. Know that it’s going to take work to make your sex life happen. You can’t just stumble in from a night on the town and go at each other with wild abandon – at least, not with the frequency you once used to. Decide how frequently you’d like to have sex each week, and commit to trying to hit that goal.

2. Go through the motions. If you’re on the fence about whether or not you feel like having sex (I’m not talking about consent, I’m talking about contexts in which you might rather opt for sleep, please don’t send me angry comments.) lean towards ‘yes’. Usually once you get the ball rolling, you’ll be happy that you did. If you start trying to get it on, and it’s not feeling right, both partners have total permission to abandon ship without penalty.

3. Take time to take care of yourself. A cocktail of hormones and a lapse in physical fitness might be making you feel less-than-sexy. You will be a much better partner, and parent, if you make time to pamper and take care of you. Women in particular are often used to putting their needs last. Let’s just quit it with that kind of ridiculous thinking, ‘k?

4. Don’t rush it. That six to eight weeks after childbirth is ONLY A RECOMMENDATION! Some of you might feel ready before then, and your particular chemical make up will make you a horny banshee. Some of you will still feel like you pooped out a flaming brick well past that milestone. If you can’t imagine having sexy times without cringing, or barfing a little in your mouth, it’s best you wait. If you’re really missing that contact, there are other things you can enjoy besides penetration. If you don’t have any ideas, email me. I’m happy to suggest some.

5. Ask for help. Try a trusted baby sitter for a few hours and enjoy some alone time. Grandparents might be very useful here, so might additional life partners (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Rent a cheap hotel, go out for dinner, stay at home, it doesn’t matter as long as the focus is on you and your partner.

6. If you’re co-sleeping with your baby (like I am), be creative. Sex doesn’t only have to happen in bed.

7. Get your partner on board. Make sure they know you want to focus on your relationship. Get them to help with the kids, especially during the latter half of the day. Make sure bedtime is efficient, and then take advantage of your time alone. Be prepared for hiccups and try to be good-natured about interruptions from little ones. They didn’t ask to be here to interrupt our sexy times, did they?

8. Remember how we decided how often a week to have sex? Well, I suggest you reserve how ever many nights for couples time. Don’t do extra chores, don’t prepare extra meals, don’t call you mother. Focus on your partner and your relationship.

9. Turn off the TV, screen, or other distractions. Use your alone time wisely. Have a bath together, enjoy some massage, take up Tantra. Choose activities that promote physical closeness and sexuality rather than brain-sucking activities like screen time or god-forbid, chores.

10. It’s like riding a bike. Your sex life will come back, and possibly be even better than before. You know things now that you didn’t know before. Hopefully the rigors of childbirth have made you a little less self-conscious about your body. It may take some time to get back on track, but post-baby sex is just like riding a bike (on a very bumpy, hilly, sometimes ridiculous to navigate course).

You deserve to be as happy and healthy as can be to enjoy your family!