One of the great perks about building a life around passion is getting my hands on a variety of tools to help normal people just like you and I live more passionate lives. When I learned that the owner of my favorite sex-positive boutique in Toronto had published her first book, and that it was about masturbation, I was very excited to get my hands on it, so to speak. Sex Yourself is such a great title, isn’t it? A call to action like that leaves little room for excuses, and it’s the kind of passionate fun anyone of us can enjoy, whether or not we’re partnered up. If you’ve never read a book about masturbation, this is an amazing start. If you love sex manuals and sex education material as much as I do, you’re going to need to add Sex Yourself, by Carlyle Jansen (Quiver Books) to your permanent collection. Read on, and I’ll tell you why.
Masturbation for Women
Dear Cat,
Can you please write a post about masturbation for women? I’m 24 and I’ve never had an orgasm. My boyfriend thinks if I masturbate more, it could help, but I’ve never really been into the idea. Is he right?
Lexi
Petting the Kitty
Hello lovers and fighters!
I’ve been poring through a sea of emails and have noticed two very cool things: my readers are obviously varied in age, and lots of women are asking me about masturbation.
I think for many of us, early messages regarding self-pleasure are pretty negative. It’s possible that we got a lot of “don’t touch that” or “don’t do that” or worse, depending on the parents who raised us. My savvy parent friends now are using phrases like “that’s a nice thing to do, but it’s for when you are having private time alone.” These moments make my heart swell.
I believe that everyone should masturbate, and I would even go so far to say that if this is something you are new at, you should make it a daily practice in self-exploration. Maybe orgasm doesn’t need to be the end goal? Imagine if you just set aside some quiet time to get to know your body?
If feeling sexual or sexy challenges you, this is a great way to change the way you view yourself and your body. Once you get very familiar with how all of your equipment works, you’ll have more confidence in your sex life at large.
Betty Dodson is a personal hero, and she’s like the “grandmother of masturbation”. She’s dedicated her life to teaching women how to orgasm, and I’d say that’s a fairly noble cause.
Each of us are different. We’re each going to enjoy different styles of self-pleasure, and we’ll each require different enhancements (toys, music, candlelight, reading material, etc.) and different degrees of speed and pressure. I say work to understand what works for you, and beyond that, I’ll hand you over to the expert.
Betty Dodson writes about first time orgasm here.
Lube is essential, especially if you’re new to orgasm. We need to keep lubed up in order to avoid chafing, and if you aren’t having any kind of partner sex, I think the oils that Betty recommends are fine. These will break condoms though, so please keep that in mind! I would recommend a water-based lubricant which is perhaps more versatile than oil. Silicone based lubes are also great, but should not be used with silicone toys, as they can break down the silicone these toys are made of.
Another thing I’ve observed is that sometimes trying to masturbate can put you under pressure, and frustration can build as your orgasm seems more and more evasive. It can take many women 15 to 20 minutes or more to reach climax, and because none of us are made the same, this will of course vary. A sexy, stimulating distraction or enhancement can make all the difference in heightening stimulation. The brain is a very powerful sex organ, and I’ve known lots of women who love to get off by stimulating themselves and reading erotica, or watching porn.
Be aware that ‘numbing out’ can lead to frustration. Numbing out is what happens if you’ve applied the same kind of stimulus to the same spot for so long that you start to lose feeling altogether. It’s an easy fix – change your speed, pressure,technique, and the location where you are directing the attention or pause for a moment until feeling starts to return.
I imagine this is a very different feeling for each of us, but I’ve always described an orgasm like a sneeze – you feel a building of pressure (the pre “achoo” feeling) and then a release which can either be like a burst of energy, or like free-falling backwards off a cliff into a pool of warm water. It’s possible to get close to orgasm and think that you’ve enjoyed the full experience, but there is a marked difference between the pleasure of pressure building and the immense pleasure of release.
I hope that helps answer some questions. Happy exploring ladies. Even if you’re enjoying regular sex with a partner, some good old fashioned self-love is always a beautiful thing.
Bippity-Boppity-Boo-Ya
When I was a little girl, I conjured all of the same fairy-princess fantasies of girls my age nearly everywhere in North America. I wanted to live in an ivory tower, with servants and ladies-in-waiting, and grand balls and feasts and the whole shebang. That fantasy was prominent until I saw the Wizard of Oz for the first time. Glinda, the Good Witch of the North rocked my world to the very core. I learned that not all witches were bad, that fairy-princesses could have magical powers, and that a magic wand was a much better accessory than a tiara. I decided to trade in the glass slippers for super powers instead.
Over the years, I’ve had many variations on the magic wand – plastic ones with colorful ribbons, natural ones fashioned from twigs and feathers, delicate glass and crystal ones (during my brief romance with Wicca). I no longer fancy myself fairy-princess material, but I’ve always kept at least one wand in my possession, in case there was something really mint that I wanted to wish for.
I’ve come to realize that there is only one magic wand that can make dreams come true.
The Hitachi Magic Wand is the greatest vibrator ever invented. It was originally introduced in the seventies as a personal massage tool. I have to believe that was truly the intended use, but somehow, somewhere along the way someone discovered that it delivers a truly powerhouse genital massage, and history was made.
The Wand is innocuous enough. As you can see below, it looks like a legitimate massage tool, or like a hand-blender. It plugs into an outlet, and has two speed settings: Holy Crap and OH MY GOD. This toy delivers intense vibes. So intense is the power behind this wand that masturbation gurus like the amazing Betty Dodson recommend that you add a protective cushion between your clitoris and the head of the Wand when you are first experimenting. A folded up face cloth does the trick, and you can work your way up to fewer folds between the wand and your vulva as you get used to the sensation. I’ve also read that a clean cotton sock does the trick.
The Hitachi Magic Wand became so popular as a masturbation tool that attachments were invented to heighten the experience. Silicone attachments that look like Gonzo from the Muppet Show are designed to pop over the round head of the Wand to stimulate the G-spot. They do the trick, but the Wand is also amazing on its own.
Some women have complained about the intensity of the Wand, and there are now speed-control attachments available. Imagine a dimmer switch into which you can plug the wand to vary the speed.
The Wand is a bit cumbersome, so it’s tricky for travel (though I will personally leave great shoes behind to make room in my suitcase for this bad boy). It’s also ridiculously loud. You’ll need background music if you have roommates, and whatever you do, don’t put it on the floor while it’s on if you’re trying to be discreet. It sounds like a crop duster.
Every girl should have a Hitachi Magic Wand. It guarantees that when the clock strikes midnight and your would-be prince turns into a pumpkin, you’ll still get the happily-ever-after ending you deserve. All great massages should end that way.
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