A Polyamory Primer

I’ve had Poly on my mind a lot lately. She’s in the news more often, and it seems like there are droves of people out there who like her way of thinking.

Polyamory is defined as the practice of having many, or several loves. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? More details can be found on the Wiki for those of you with a thirst for knowledge. Here’s my favourite quote from the Wiki page:

“In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiationof boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.”

Polyamory is the umbrella under which anyone who extends their loving relationships beyond one partner falls. The various ways in which polyamory manifests are as differing and multi-layered as the unique individuals governing these hearts and bodies.

Sometimes poly people have multiple casual partners. Sometimes they have one relationship that they identify as their ‘primary’ relationship and one or more additional lovers who they keep company with. Sometimes polyamory applies to more than two people living in equitable conjugal partnership.

Poly people are everywhere, working beside you, living in your neighbourhood, and raising families. You probably don’t know about them, because until very recently, on our strange and wonderful North American continent, Polyamory was technically illegal.

Both Canadian and US laws stated that it is unlawful for more than two people to live together in a conjugal relationship. This archaic law is rarely enforced, except in the odd case of religious communities where underage marriage in polygamous communities becomes an issue. I personally find it stunning that the law can still dictate who you can sleep with and when among consenting adults. I also find it infuriating that our culture is wildly accepting of the lies, deceit, and family-crushing betrayals that many of the monogamists practice in trying to love one person “till death do they part”.

Polygamy laws were challenged in Canadian courts in 2011, and the Canadian polyamory community believed this case had real implications for poly people. The judge ruled that Polygamy law had no bearing on poly units, and that it was no longer unlawful to cohabitate with more than one conjugal partner. As I understand it, nobody is challenging the right to marital status yet – allowing more than two people to marry would really shake up marital and property law as it exists – but polyamorists believe that the law should not govern how they conduct their conjugal affairs.

Polyamory requires a serious commitment to the exploration of self, to total transparent honesty, to striving to communicate expertly with your partners, to really understanding and articulating what your boundaries are, and to respecting and understanding the boundaries of the people you are loving. Trust is absolutely the cornerstone of any polyamorous relationship – trust in yourself to be honest and open, trust in your partners to be the same. Challenging convention also takes strength, courage, and a real belief in the lifestyle you are embracing.

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt continues to be the foremost guide to understanding polyamory. I would highly recommend it to anyone new to or considering the poly way. It’s light-hearted and straight-shooting and I’ve read my copy dozens of times over the years. There’s a link to the Amazon page for this book below, and I think it’s interesting to note that the latest edition is number two-thousand and something in sales!

Famous sex educator Tristan Taromino has also written an excellent guide to multiple-partner relationships. See links below to her book ‘Opening Up’.

I’ve also found some great Poly resources on the web:

Polyamorous Percolations is a great blog dedicated to Polyamory in the news

The Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association is an online resource for understanding current law surrounding polyamory in Canada, and how Canadians are challenging those laws.

Modern Poly is a great resource for news, information, and fascinating personal stories by other poly people and families.

Polyamory? is an amusing and informative site dedicated to Poly FAQs.

Polyamory – Married and Dating is the compelling reality series from Showtime, now in it’s second season. Visit the site to watch episodes online.

There are also a host of warm, touching, hilarious, and practical personal blogs written by poly people who are just trying to live life in the most authentic way that they can. Today I discovered both a web-TV series about the poly lifestyle called “Family” and the very amusing blog of one of the series’ creators Matt Bullen.

As our world continues to change, as our homelands begin to really awaken to the idea of equality transcending sexual orientation I believe more and more people will come forward to share their stories and really help to shape the face of polyamory. The images of hedonistic key parties will hopefully be replaced with images of vibrant, well-rounded families that are an extension of bygone days where we lived in large, loving, supportive communities raising children and taking on life’s journey.

Meanwhile, I invite you to share your thoughts, ideas, and stories. I’d love to hear from you!

Playboy Mommy Recommends:

Which Came First? – Part One


Darlings, because I’m a busy Mommy this week, I thought I’d amuse you by sharing some of our favourite Epicurious recipes. I hope you know Epicurious – it’s a fabulous online database of recipes, and the first of it’s kind that I ever used. Users review the recipes on the site (I always read the reviews before attempting a new recipe, because the information here is often indispensable) and I’ve found their ratings system to be quite accurate.

Today, I give you our favourite Chicken Recipes.

Perfect Pan Roasted Chicken Thighs
This is not a low-fat option because the skin is essential to the awesomeness of this very easy recipe for pan-roasted chicken thighs. I’m drooling as I type this. I followed one reader’s recommendation for this glaze, but served the glaze as a sauce so the crispy skin didn’t get rubbery:

Reserve 2 tbsp of the drippings in the skillet, add 1 tbsp of Sriracha, 2 tbsp of brown sugar, about 1 tbsp minced cilantro, and the juice to half a lime. Whisk and bring to a boil until the brown sugar has dissolved or until it thickens and becomes a nice glaze.

Chicken Pot Pie
This recipe is a true labor of love where EVERYTHING is made from scratch, including the stock. Consider spending a rainy weekend cooking this for the people you love. They will weep tears of gratitude because it’s the best chicken potpie I’ve ever tasted.

My Favorite Simple Roast Chicken
Looking for a foolproof recipe for a basic roast chicken? Look no further. I think even the most inexperienced chef could nail this one. If there are more than five people in your family, consider roasting two chickens at a time.

Quick Coq Au Vin
This is a wonderfully simplified version of a classic French country recipe. Plus, it pairs two things I absolutely love – coq and vin.

Chicken with Tarragon Caper Sauce
Here’s a go-to for a quick and easy weeknight meal. The sauce is also delicious on grilled chicken, if you’re ambitious enough to tackle the BBQ. I would halve the amount of shallots used, I find it a bit overpowering otherwise.

Chicken Thighs with Creole Mustard Orange Sauce
This recipe is so easy, and it’s delicious. I usually pair it with sweet potato and roasted kale chips, or another leafy dark green veggie. The kids love this one too.

From Daddy

Coriander Chicken Tostadas with Refried Beans and Grilled Fennel
This is so, so good, we were making it on a weekly basis for a while! Be warned that the whole coriander seeds can get quite smoky, so make sure your kitchen is well ventilated.

Mama S’ Specialty

Orange Braised Chicken Thighs with Green Olives
This was one of the first meals Mama S cooked for me, and the combo of orange and green olive is delicious! We need to make this one again very soon!

What are some of your favorite chicken recipes, from Epicurious or elsewhere? Share the love, and stay tuned next week for part two of ‘Which Came First?’ featuring my favorite egg recipes!

Scratch My Back


The journey of this blog has taken up such a huge space in my heart and soul. Thank you to all of you who have done such a wonderful job of visiting this site regularly, I sincerely appreciate it.

I’m doing my very best to try and post every single day. It’s never very difficult to think of what to write, I feel like inspiration is all around me, but it is sometimes challenging to find the time to write with three active and amazing little people to shepherd. We all have things that we love to do that we’d like to make more time for, don’t we?

I love writing, and I love knowing that you’re reading.

I’m growing this writing practice bit-by-bit and day-by-day. I’m getting to know my readers, and I’m trying to define my voice and my space here on the Internet. There are a few things you can do to help this blog keep growing. Do you think you might lend a hand? It won’t take long, I promise, and it will be very easy…

Some simple steps you can take to help:

  1. Make sure you ‘like’ my Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/pbmommy
  2. Follow me on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/Playboy_Mommy
  3. Visit the blog every day. I post at 11am, even on the weekends. Read the most recent post, and then have a look at some of the older ones. There’s some really juicy stuff there.
  4. Follow me on Pinterest here: http://pinterest.com/playbmommy/
  5. Comment on the posts! Help me build a little community here and comment on the post itself, rather than on Facebook or Twitter. Those comments are nice too, but comments on the blog posts are best for the blog because it gets more people talking and I want to hear what you have to say!
  6. Share the blog with your network. Help me get new people interested in our community!
  7. Send me suggestions, or any questions you might have, about anything! I’m not just writing for myself anymore, and I want to create content that you find interesting and amusing.

Thank you in advance for your continued support. Without you, I’d have given up on writing long ago.

Kisses on your nose,

Playboy Mommy

Ask Mommy: For the Birds


Dear Mommy,

As a predominately (mostly? bi-and-large?) hetero, entirely feminist woman, I sometimes find it hard to find porn that appeals to me. I get turned on by watching women and men both, in pretty much any combination. My challenge is that most porn features women and men whose bodies I don’t find real enough to be attractive – by which I mean, they are overly produced, hairless, and not soft and sexy and beautifully flawed like the humans I know and love. I find that I love burlesque photos, black-and-white shots, and photos that are artistic, highly suggestive or even explicit, as long as they look believable. Photos that give you the feeling of consensual voyeurism. A few years ago, you mentioned a video porn site on your blog that I really loved that featured real women having real orgasms. I’m looking for more suggestions of great erotica, featuring gorgeous, real, fucking hot people. Pretty much a Les Coquettes show, but in pictures…with more sex.

Got any ideas?



Dear B,

If that isn’t a Freaky Friday gauntlet throw down, I don’t know what is! I was so excited to get your note, I went into overload trying to find the very best answers, because I know that this post is going to make A LOT of women happy.

My first move was to turn to one of my very sexy friends, Sonya JF Barnett, co-founder of Slutwalk and The Madame of Toronto’s Raciest Art Community, The Keyhole Sessions. Sonya has incredible taste, and she’s deeply invested in creating sex-positive, pro female erotic art. She recently won the Golden Beaver (best Canadian content) at the Feminist Porn Awards for her premiere erotic video ‘Because I Want You to Watch’. You can check out her ridiculously sexy work here.

Sonya immediately recommended Cindy Gallop’s “Make Love Not Porn” (in beta). This is a fascinating web-based profit-share where real people create and share real porn. They don’t like to call themselves amateurs, because of the implication that the only people who can create sexy porn are the pros. I particularly enjoyed Cindy’s amusing and accurate look at the ‘Porn World vs. Real World’. When your kids discover porn, and are old enough to contextualize sex in more explicit terms, this will be highly illuminating and informative for them. As Cindy says in her Ted Talk (see video below) about the influence of hardcore porn on contemporary sexuality, “Sex is the area of human experience that embraces the vastest possible range of proclivities.” The important task of being true to our own desires and needs lies with us.

B, the website featuring real female orgasm that you reference in your note is the delightful I Feel Myself. It’s a members-only site, but well worth the fee if that’s what makes you warm and tingly.

To make sure I’ve thoroughly satisfied you, I also wanted to share the information below which I first published on my sex education blog.

Photo by Andrew Blake

I like porn. The more deeply I delve into the world of adult video, the more I like the genre. It’s hard to believe that once-upon-a-time I used to be intimidated by the idea of watching x-rated movies. I think I believed that porn was only for guys, that I would feel inadequate if I watched surgically enhanced women getting it on, and that porn was degrading to women. This is true in some cases, but like all things wonderful about the Internet, with enough digging, there’s something out there for everyone. Even you, my horny sisters.

Here are some things to consider when delving into porn for the first time:

Fly Solo
Plan to be all alone the first few times you watch porn. Whether it’s free stuff you find on the Internet or a video that you’ve rented, watching solo takes any pressure off, and frees you up to explore what makes you feel good.

Bring a Toy
If you find something particularly arousing, run with it! Note which scenarios and sex acts make you the happiest. Also note the directors or performers involved in your favorite scenes.

Keep the Other Hand on the Remote
Fast forward through the boring parts. This is part of the joy of watching porn. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a feature-length adult movie from start to finish.

Visit Your Favorite Pro-Women Sex Shop
These stores are staffed with awesome people who will make you totally comfortable in asking questions. They often have a rental section, and will gladly make recommendations. Save yourself from the experience of a trashy, alienating sex shop geared towards men. There are also lots of online resources for sex-positive porn from a female perspective.

Female Directors
The face of porn is changing as smart, savvy women are stepping up to the director’s chair. Feminist porn describes x-rated movies told from a woman’s perspective, and includes real female fantasies and POV (point-of-view) shots from the female angle. Some kick-ass female directors include:

Candida Royalle, Tristan Taormino, Anna Span, Madison Young and Erika Lust

Check out this great website, Porn Movies for Women, for more recommendations.

While you’re sure to be inspired by some of the scenarios you’ll see in porn, sexual education videos can also be incredibly hot. Add some of these to your DVD library, and plan a study date solo or with a buddy.

Costume Epics
If you think that dress-up might be your thing, look for costume epics and historical dramas within the porn genre.

It’s hard to believe, but there are porn films out there that actually have decent story lines. Look for films by Candida Royale, Paul Thomas, and Veronica Hart who are all known for their story-telling abilities.

Natural Bodies
If you don’t get off on the artificial fantasy body of many main-stream porn stars, there are lots of actresses out these still kicking it au-natural. Some mainstream porn recommendations include Belladonna and Tori Black. True lesbian porn almost always features natural women. Also, good old-fashioned 70’s porn features natural bodies, including lots of bush. Consider yourself warned.

Check out the realm of porn created with no budget and a handy-cam by earnest, hard-working average Joes and Janes. Charming, and sometimes quite sexy.

Lesbian or Bi-curious
Curious about the wonderful world of girl-on-girl? Lesbian films, produced by lesbian artists depict realistic lesbian sex. Or, treat yourself to the high-gloss, ultra stylized world of male fantasy lesbian hardcore. Some days it’s hard to decide which is better.

Hot Men
Up until recently, men in porn have more or less served as super-sized units attached to ugly people. With women in the driver’s seat, porn actors are getting yummier and yummier. Actors Manuel Ferrara, Jean Val Jean and Mr. Marcus are popular favorites. Director Anna Span is notorious for treating her viewers to hot guys. There’s also the option of kicking back to enjoy some gay porn. Those boys rarely disappoint when it comes to pretty faces.

Porn for Couples
This is an actual sub-genre of the porn industry. You can search for this on the Internet, and lots of delicious choices will appear. Couples’ porn has something for each person to enjoy, and often depicts real fantasies shared by people in monogamous relationships.

High Art
For a highly stylized treat that looks like the pages of a fashion magazine has sprung to life and started a hump-fest, check out the work of director Andrew Blake. Another noteworthy contemporary is Michael Ninn.

Challenge your comfort zone and expand your horizons by experiencing kinky sex from the safe distance of your sofa. BDSM (an acronym that represents the idea of  bondage, discipline, domination, and sado-masochism) and fetishistic sex come alive in ways you can scarcely imagine in the world of porn.

Free Porn
It boggles the mind to think of how much porn is available for free on the Internet. Now that you have some tips on what to look for, set aside several hours (no joke, you won’t be able to stop yourself) and check out the endless selection available at the following websites WARNING: THESE SITES MOSTLY FEATURE MAINSTREAM PORN, NOT USUALLY FROM A FEMINIST PERSPECTIVE


Let Someone Else do the Work
For the Girls is a subscription-based website that features naughty photos, video, and stories chosen for women by women. A trial membership could be a fun way to introduce yourself to the world of adult entertainment.

Read All About It
There are some great books devoted to the topic of women and porn. If you’d like to arm yourself with as much info as possible before diving in, check out these great titles:

Good Porn: A Woman’s Guide

The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn

Do my readers have any steadfast sources of great feminist porn? Share here so we can all enjoy!

Kisses on your nose,

Playboy Mommy

Chocolate Fuelled Work Day

This morning Noah and I got up very early and ran away to Grandmere’s so I could have a working day. I’m hoping to be extra productive because I won’t have this opportunity next week. I’m pleased to tell you that I’ll be taking a 20-hour in-class crash course in driver’s ed.

Country life is beautiful, but I had a little city girl meltdown at the beginning of the week when I started to feel a little housebound and stir crazy. I’ve been studying the driver’s handbook, and will have my G1 in a week. We have a graduated licensing system here, and by my calculations this means I’ll be able to get my full license by next spring. Finally!

My mother’s house is so comfortable, and something about being here always makes me want to eat! Maybe it’s that cozy feeling of being in the house I grew up in? Today I’m craving a warm tray of Betty Crocker brownies and a cold glass of milk. Instead, I think I’ll make a high-fiber, sugar-free, gluten-free alternative that I think you’ll love.

Playboy Mommy’s Reform School Brownies

1 (15.5 ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained (or the equivalent of dried beans, pre-soaked and pre-cooked)
4 eggs
3 Tbsp coconut oil (vegetable oil will also work)
¼ cup cocoa powder
1 pinch salt
1 tsp vanilla extract
¾ cup white sugar, Splenda or other sucralose sweetener or 1 Tbsp powdered stevia
1 tsp instant coffee (optional, but highly recommended)
½ cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease an 8×8 square baking dish.
Combine the black beans, eggs, oil, cocoa powder, salt, vanilla extract, sugar, and instant coffee in a blender; blend until smooth; pour the mixture into the prepared baking dish. Sprinkle the chocolate chips over the top of the mixture.
Bake in the preheated oven until the top is dry and the edges start to pull away from the sides of the pan, about 30 minutes.