Cat Skinner Club

Sex City Interview Alert!

August has been entirely spent with my family and dear friends. How lovely to have the time and the opportunity to build deeper relationships and watch all of our beautiful children play together. How is your summer winding down?

There’s so much to look forward to in September – a new school, a new schedule for me with more time to focus on my own work, and on building up my partners’ work projects. The next two weeks will be busy, but I want to drink up every little drop of what’s left of these lazy days with no agenda, so it’s just a brief little post today to share some news.

Tomorrow night, at approximately 11pm EST, I’m going to be doing a short interview on the CIUT radio show Sex City. I love radio, and I have podcast fantasies of my own, so I’m really excited. We’re talking about parenting as an openly poly family. You can tune in at 89.5 fm or via their website here. I think the episode will be available after the fact via the website too. Check out my sexy-sounding summer cold! It’s a live interview, so who knows what they’ll be asking!

I hope your days are warm and filled with laughter, good food, and great company. See you in September!

Kisses on your nose,

PB Mommy

Don’t Leave Before Your Bags Are Packed

cubafamilyphoto

Yesterday I completed one of those tasks that makes me feel like a real, live grown up. I wrote a will, and a living will. On Saturday I put the final signatures on my life insurance policy. Later today, I will draft my wishes for my memorial service and instructions about what to do with my remains. No, I’m not dying. At least no more than any of us are.

I think I have a unique perspective on life and death. I mean, I suppose we all do, but mine has been shaped by a lot of exposure to the subject matter in relation to the few years I’ve been around. I’ve held hands with death in several different contexts; surprise tragedy, surprise medical events, miscarriage (mine), still birth (dear friends), and the most common in my world, cancer. Fucking cancer.

After reflecting for a considerable amount of time on the subject, I conclude that surprise death is the worst. This is my personal conclusion, of course. When I was in my twenties, and barely comfortable in my own skin, I witnessed a dear aunt who was a personal hero waste away with cancer. Aggressive cancer that took her just over a year after her diagnosis. Watching how her body morphed from voluptuous and vibrant to a skeletal shell rocked me to my foundation. I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen.

Then, months later another of my mother’s sisters died very suddenly of a brain aneurysm. She was vivacious, loving, fun, active, and literally a month away from her retirement. There was no time to wrap up loose ends, make amends, say goodbye, or even get to savour the freedom and relaxation she had worked her entire life to finally enjoy. Watching how shattered her nearest and dearest were by the sudden cruelty of fate was almost scarier than watching illness waste a body away.

A sprinkling of years after that, I experienced a very early term miscarriage with a pregnancy I hadn’t planned. None of my life circumstances were ideal for bringing a child into the world. In fact, I was so cynical and afraid of myself, I had vowed that I was unfit to ever have children of my own. Losing this life, or these cells, or this soul that had become planted inside me barely felt like cause to grieve, and yet I did. Down to the very ends of my roots. As a result of this miscarriage, I knew absolutely that I wanted children, and I prayed fervently that my body would allow me to make at least one child. This event was a game-changer.

Fast forward over a decade. I am a fully immersed mother to my daughters, I’m in a stable relationship with my best friends, I have been blessed with a biological son of my own, and at this point in my life, our dear friends lose their baby in their seventh month of pregnancy. We are making presents, Sarah is planning a maternity photo shoot, our girlfriends are giggling over the scandalous baby shower cake we are going to create. Then the bottom falls out. I am utterly devastated, and can say that these two incredible people are the strongest that I know. In the background of this terrifying event, my fairy godmother is dying of lung cancer. Our little Aemon died in August. My fairy godmother would die in November. I can’t sleep anymore without waking in the middle of the night, terrified that something will rip me away from my children. This continues to this day.

My godmother, Carmen Chouinard, finally let go of this mortal coil in a truly beautiful hospice (Dorothy Ley) in late November. I had spent the night there with Sarah, and Carmen’s 23-year-old daughter Alex, who is beyond incredible. We were all standing by, convinced by the stage of Carmen’s illness and by all of her caregivers that she would pass at any moment. Carmen was notoriously stubborn, and didn’t seem to think that was the case. She couldn’t speak or move, and her body had wasted away. Her breathing was laboured, she wasn’t eating or drinking, but yet she hung on. I still don’t know what she was waiting for. I never will. She finally took her last breath after nearly all of us had all left her room. Maybe she was waiting for a smaller audience, or for her daughter to take some time to take care of herself. When I returned to the hospice, about an hour after Carmen had passed, I once again witnessed the amazing reality of an illness-ravaged body at peace. I’m not very religious anymore, but I feel certain that something leaves our body when we take our last breath. Something greater than what science can explain. I have felt this on a level that neurology can’t quantify.

Have you been close to death? I don’t mean you, in your body, though perhaps if you’ve had a near death experience, you will understand what I mean.  I mean a brush with death close enough that you cannot go a single day without thinking somewhere in the back of your mind that you might be next. Or your lover. Or your child. Our mortality has now become the single most terrifying and motivating reality in my life. My awareness of the fragility of this meat-sack I occupy has finely honed the world I am shaping for my family. I did not choose the life I live because of some sexual proclivity, or because I can clearly identify a specific sexual orientation. I chose this life because I love these people. I love the way they see me, and I love how their love challenges me to be my best self.

To assume we aren’t taking legal precautions to protect each other and our children is folly. I’m smarter, and I love better than that. As you embark on your life’s adventures, make sure all of your bags are packed. It’s morbid, perhaps, but it’s also smart and responsible and a beautiful gesture of love and care.

And it’s really kind of foolproof online: http://www.legalwills.ca 

Links of the Week

bambooplay

I like to spend my weekend being lazy in my pajamas, and hanging out with the kids. I take breaks from my own activities to hike through our forest, make hot chocolate or try beating our little brainiacs at a board game. I don’t want to spend my time in front of the screen.

It’s nice to keep in touch with all of you though, so I thought I’d try something new, inspired by some of the other blogs I love. Each weekend, I’m going to try to share a few links to some of the Internet treasures that have helped to shape the week that has passed.

Grab a cup of coffee and enjoy!

My week started with much fear, anger and stress after I read this rather epic article and subsequent related links from Mother Jones. Plastic is still toxic friends, even without BPA’s and it’s everywhere.

http://www.motherjones.com/environment/2014/03/tritan-certichem-eastman-bpa-free-plastic-safe

At home, we’re changing our food storage containers to glass, and sorting the kids out with stainless steel lunch options. I appreciated the well-researched nature of this article, but I found it, and all the other related links on Mother Jones to be very hysteria-inducing, without offering many helpful solutions. I don’t like the ‘sky is falling’ approach to life, and I’ll admit I’m a bit pre-disposed to it. I turned to the Internet and found the following helpful posts about trying to live more ‘plastic-free’. I can freely admit that I’ll never be able to be as extreme as some of this bloggers, but there are some practical changes we can make with relative ease.

http://plasticfreeguide.com/
http://plasticmanners.com/tips/

Here’s a downloadable PDF from the Suzuki Foundation with an easy guide to which plastics are safest:
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/publications/downloads/2012/qog-plastics.pdf

In semi-related subjects, I was thrilled to see that the Environmental Working Group finally has a Skin Deep cosmetics app available. The Skin Deep website is my go-to site for checking the safety of beauty and cosmetic products. You can download their app here:

http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/app/

My heart was heavy after all of this reading about large corporations who care so little about our health and our environment. I was very glad to discover this amazing clip as I spent a lazy morning in bed today. I love humans who dedicate their lives to the betterment of this world:

And finally, as we joyously witness our trees starting to bud, I’d like to share this post from one of my favourite blogs ‘Let the Children Play’. This wonderful resource celebrates a back-to-nature approach to kids relishing their childhood and the outdoors. I found it kind of awesome that this post hit my radar as we were combing through Chinatown because it’s all about fun uses for bamboo:

http://www.letthechildrenplay.net/2014/03/what-can-you-do-with-bamboo.html

The Day We Made the News

The Skinner-Jamals - photo by Galit Rodan

The Skinner-Jamals – photo by Galit Rodan

Our family was featured in the Life section of the Globe and Mail today.  Check it out here.

I like Leah McLaren’s unbiased interpretation of  our two interviews. I wish she hadn’t referred to me as a stay-at-home-mom. I mean, in some respects that’s true, but I feel like I’m also an entrepreneur and an educator. I would have appreciated a fuller picture. I also don’t love that she lumped us in with the “orgy-obsessed swingers” and “S&M enthusiasts” who she claims are included in the polyamorous group. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of consenting adults doing what they want – I just don’t think that McLaren needed to draw that parallel in an article that I thought was supposed to be about how much we love our kids. Those who are gonna lump us in don’t need their hands held. Also, based on my experience of the world, S&M lovers and swingers can be found in two-partner hetero culture and homosexual culture. Finally, I wish Sarah would have blown off her work duties for half an hour to add a couple of her incredible witticisms to the piece. She is, after all, the boss.

Oh, and one more – I wish that she hadn’t suggested that Nekky is free to come and go “at will” between my bedroom and Sarah’s. Those of you who know us know that our sleep schedule was forged through pain, tears, metamorphosis, care, love, epic amounts of communication, and finally some truly profound self-realization and vulnerability. I wasn’t about to get into all that with a reporter. It also makes Nekky sound like some kind of iron-fisted patriarch, who calls all the shots about when he decides to lay with his women, which is kind of ridiculous. We share our sleeping time with each other carefully, and if we change plans, it’s not without a careful check-in with one other.

We did feel like the article was well written, and McLaren seems careful to not be judgemental. It was almost totally accurate, and we LOVED the photo that the paper chose to print, even if it is a bit sombre.  My sister-in-love pointed out that it’s very Wes Anderson, and I agree. In fact, I often feel like our life would make a great Wes Anderson film. The highlight of the whole “we’re-gonna-be-in-the-news”  was the incredible day we spent with the photographer, Galit Rodan. What a lovely, talented young woman! She came and hung out and Noah took such a liking to her (Noah is usually very disinterested in women who aren’t either his Mamas or his sisters). We made pizza together, played in the snow, and just let her shoot us enjoying family time. I hope she’ll let me share some of her photos here, but you should also check out Galit’s beautiful blog.

As I expected, the comments have been amusing, interesting and not terribly surprising. I’m pleased to see that there isn’t anything terribly inflammatory or rude posted thus far. We’ve had such an outpouring of support and it’s only noon. I love our community of friends and family. We’d never be as strong as we are without them.

A Polyamory Primer

I’ve had Poly on my mind a lot lately. She’s in the news more often, and it seems like there are droves of people out there who like her way of thinking.

Polyamory is defined as the practice of having many, or several loves. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? More details can be found on the Wiki for those of you with a thirst for knowledge. Here’s my favourite quote from the Wiki page:

“In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized according to those participating. For many, such relationships are ideally built upon values of trust, loyalty, the negotiationof boundaries, and compersion, as well as overcoming jealousy, possessiveness, and the rejection of restrictive cultural standards.”

Polyamory is the umbrella under which anyone who extends their loving relationships beyond one partner falls. The various ways in which polyamory manifests are as differing and multi-layered as the unique individuals governing these hearts and bodies.

Sometimes poly people have multiple casual partners. Sometimes they have one relationship that they identify as their ‘primary’ relationship and one or more additional lovers who they keep company with. Sometimes polyamory applies to more than two people living in equitable conjugal partnership.

Poly people are everywhere, working beside you, living in your neighbourhood, and raising families. You probably don’t know about them, because until very recently, on our strange and wonderful North American continent, Polyamory was technically illegal.

Both Canadian and US laws stated that it is unlawful for more than two people to live together in a conjugal relationship. This archaic law is rarely enforced, except in the odd case of religious communities where underage marriage in polygamous communities becomes an issue. I personally find it stunning that the law can still dictate who you can sleep with and when among consenting adults. I also find it infuriating that our culture is wildly accepting of the lies, deceit, and family-crushing betrayals that many of the monogamists practice in trying to love one person “till death do they part”.

Polygamy laws were challenged in Canadian courts in 2011, and the Canadian polyamory community believed this case had real implications for poly people. The judge ruled that Polygamy law had no bearing on poly units, and that it was no longer unlawful to cohabitate with more than one conjugal partner. As I understand it, nobody is challenging the right to marital status yet – allowing more than two people to marry would really shake up marital and property law as it exists – but polyamorists believe that the law should not govern how they conduct their conjugal affairs.

Polyamory requires a serious commitment to the exploration of self, to total transparent honesty, to striving to communicate expertly with your partners, to really understanding and articulating what your boundaries are, and to respecting and understanding the boundaries of the people you are loving. Trust is absolutely the cornerstone of any polyamorous relationship – trust in yourself to be honest and open, trust in your partners to be the same. Challenging convention also takes strength, courage, and a real belief in the lifestyle you are embracing.

The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt continues to be the foremost guide to understanding polyamory. I would highly recommend it to anyone new to or considering the poly way. It’s light-hearted and straight-shooting and I’ve read my copy dozens of times over the years. There’s a link to the Amazon page for this book below, and I think it’s interesting to note that the latest edition is number two-thousand and something in sales!

Famous sex educator Tristan Taromino has also written an excellent guide to multiple-partner relationships. See links below to her book ‘Opening Up’.

I’ve also found some great Poly resources on the web:

Polyamorous Percolations is a great blog dedicated to Polyamory in the news

The Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association is an online resource for understanding current law surrounding polyamory in Canada, and how Canadians are challenging those laws.

Modern Poly is a great resource for news, information, and fascinating personal stories by other poly people and families.

Polyamory? is an amusing and informative site dedicated to Poly FAQs.

Polyamory – Married and Dating is the compelling reality series from Showtime, now in it’s second season. Visit the site to watch episodes online.

There are also a host of warm, touching, hilarious, and practical personal blogs written by poly people who are just trying to live life in the most authentic way that they can. Today I discovered both a web-TV series about the poly lifestyle called “Family” and the very amusing blog of one of the series’ creators Matt Bullen.

As our world continues to change, as our homelands begin to really awaken to the idea of equality transcending sexual orientation I believe more and more people will come forward to share their stories and really help to shape the face of polyamory. The images of hedonistic key parties will hopefully be replaced with images of vibrant, well-rounded families that are an extension of bygone days where we lived in large, loving, supportive communities raising children and taking on life’s journey.

Meanwhile, I invite you to share your thoughts, ideas, and stories. I’d love to hear from you!

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