Cat Skinner Club

Ask Playboy Mommy

Tug of War www.paulvanginkel.com

Tug of War www.paulvanginkel.com

Dear Mommy,

I’m in a fairly new polyamorous relationship with my husband and my lesbian partner. Do you have couples nights? I feel like I am walking a tight rope trying to keep both partners happy and if one of them isn’t annoyed with me the other one is! I had an emotional meltdown the other night and really hope you can help.

Sincerely,

M

Dearest M,

I remember the early days of my relationship with my partners. We were all so excited and fond of each other that none of us wanted to impose any formal rules, and boundaries felt like a rude barrier to our organic love fest. We wanted things to flow freely, but instead we created was a shit storm of weird feelings and jealousy that haunts us all to this day.

Make no mistake; turning the conventional relationship model on its ear will challenge the nerves of even the steeliest soul. We are doing everything differently than the relationship models we grew up with. I don’t think this means we shouldn’t challenge convention to make our lives richer, but I do think it means we ought to be realistic about what we expect of each other and ourselves.

At some point in a polyamorous relationship, everyone is going to feel jealous. Anyone who tells you they haven’t felt that way is lying to you. We are conditioned to feel jealousy from our very early days in our culture that constantly encourages us to focus on what we don’t have. The media perpetually reminds us that we aren’t enough. Throw the dynamics of your family of origin into that special sauce and we are easily turned into green-eyed monsters. Jealousy will happen. Be patient and forgiving with yourself and your lovers. Let those jealous feelings come, but don’t wallow in them. When you feel them, find something you love to do and do it immediately. Force yourself to reflect on all of the abundance in your life; after all you have TWO people who adore you! You must be awesome. (Do share that idea with your partners too so they don’t have to feel bad about jealousy).

Your relationship with everyone in your life will only be as healthy as your relationship with yourself. This is why I’m a huge proponent of therapy, which is a long process, but the best gift you’ll ever give yourself. There are also some practical measures you can implement to help your poly life flow smoothly.

Make a Schedule

Divide the week like this; time for your man, time for your lady, time for yourself, time for the grown ups, time for the whole family. Before you panic at how insane that seems consider this sample schedule:

Alternate your nights between your two partners. On these nights, you can enjoy a date night out when your budget permits. One of the best things about poly life is that if one pair wants some time out, there’s always a great sitter! Spontaneity comes with what you decide to do with your alone time with your partner.

If possible, and if your space permits, spend at least one night a week on your own. If you can’t spend a night sleeping on your own, make absolutely sure you are carving out time to just have some alone space. If you can afford the space in your home, each adult should have just a little nook to call his or her own.

Spend some time in the evenings with both of your partners doing the things you enjoy, even things as simple as vegging out with your favourite TV show. Encourage your partners to spend time together without you there so they can get to know each other better. Reserve one day on the weekend for family day and chose simple, fun activities to enjoy together. If you have kids, family day should be focused around them and their needs. Keep family ties strong by insisting on family dinners all together, and bed time story and tuck in (if you have kids) with all three partners.

Tend Your Relationships

All of your relationships need tending, and if you haven’t done the math, here’s a breakdown of your relationships and the hierarchy they should be in:

1. Your relationship to yourself  – This one is the most important! You must take care of yourself first, and really understand your own needs and wants. Take care of your heart, your mind, and your body so that you will be a well-oiled love machine.

2. Your relationship to your children. If you have kids, they come next. Some would argue that the adult relationships come first, but I think that’s bullshit. Our kids rely on us wholly, so we owe it to them to be as close to the top of the ladder as possible.

3. Your partners’ relationship to your children. This needs to be strong if your poly family is all under one roof. Some poly parents keep their adult relationships at a distance from their kids, but if you are aiming to be one big happy poly family (like us) you must make sure your partners are getting their own quality time with the kids, and that you’re helping to strengthen their relationships with your support.

4 (a & b) Your relationship to each of your partners. You signed up to love more than one person, so you need to make sure you’re doing that in a fair, balanced way. Be careful not to get too caught up in the glow of a new relationship and thereby neglect your more mature relationship with your first partner. One of those relationships may feel like more work than the other, but I promise you that balance will shift back and forth, so you need to make sure you’re tending both.

5. Your partners’ relationship to each other. True, it’s not your responsibility to manage your partners’ relationship with one another, but it is important that you are clear about how important their good relationship is to you. Remind them that you want them to enjoy each other’s company, buy them tickets to a movie or a game, offer to sit back while they go out and hang on a patio. Make sure they know that you want them both to get along. Don’t get in the middle of things if they don’t get along from time-to-time. This will give you ulcers and/or make you bald. Ask Daddy about that one. All you can do is be an ear, and let them know how you feel about their actions/words/behavior.

Be Okay with Being Selfish

Remember how hard it was to learn to appreciate each other’s needs when you were in the early stages with your first partner? Maybe you haven’t even really figured that out yet. Well, now you’re adding layer upon layer of complexity!

Nobody is going to know what you need and want unless you are comfortable asking for those things. You won’t be comfortable asking for anything until you are spending quality time understanding your own needs. You must not be afraid to speak your mind and ask for what you want, even if those needs and wants are really scary.

The three of us made the mistake of not clearly defining and expressing our needs and it led to huge, devastating imbalance in our lives. We aren’t always able to meet each other’s needs, but at least if we know what they are, we can work towards compromise and harmony.

Make Time to Talk

You need one-on-one time to talk with your partners about your relationships, but you also need to create safe emotional space where the three of you can talk with each other about these needs. Beware the mistake of trying to ‘shelter’ the other person from anything you deem threatening or negative. I think most of us would really just address any elephants who may wander into the bedroom rather than dance around them. They will stomp on your head if you try to ignore them.

Good luck with the adventures ahead, and thanks for reaching out. I hope I’ve helped, and I hope you can carve out some quality time where you can focus on all of the loves of your life, including you!

Kisses on your nose,

 

Playboy Mommy


Ask Mommy

Paris-Café-19224

Dear Mommy,

I have two unrelated questions I have often wondered, so I figure I might as well ask:

1. Was Paris worth it? I get why the urge would be there considering how  uprooted you were at the time. Was it a ‘I found myself’ trip that you are really truly glad you took? worth the debt? Or, now seeing how awesome your life turned out, would you have been better off saving the money? Just curious in hind-sight how you view that trip.

2. How did you meet your family? I’m not asking to be nosy. We are poly & the poly groups we found were kind of meat-markety, same with online groups. Although there was a lot of relationship seeking, it seemed to be a more sexually charged energy than we were hoping. For us, we figure one day maybe something organic will develop through synchronicity. Its so rare to meet another poly family, so when I do, I’m always curious to hear how they met. Love stories we can relate to are always inspiring to hear.

Signed,

DA

 

Howdy DA,

Thanks for asking such interesting questions!

1.) I first began this blog just before I ran away to Paris. I had just ended a torrid four-year on-again-off-again relationship and I found myself completely uprooted, as you say. (Readers, you can catch up on that adventure starting with this post.) I had barely any savings at the time, so I put the entire trip on a credit card. This isn’t the most responsible way to indulge in travel, to be sure. I have absolutely no regrets about Paris. Visiting the City of Lights was a life-long dream. A ‘bucket list’ item if you will. Even though I’ve since found such happiness with my wonderful family, I’m still very glad I took the trip. It was a trip that was best taken solo because nobody would have drank in the city the same way, and I think it was very important for me to see how much adventure and risk I was capable of on my own steam. Paris was totally one of those experiences where I often think “If I could do that, I can do anything.” In future, I’d definitely recommend a travel savings account, but I’m a big believer in fulfilling as many of our own dreams as we can when opportunity arises or when we can create opportunity. We really don’t know how much time we have to write our stories, do we?

 

2.) For those of you who are brand new to this blog, I’m in a committed domestic partnership with two people. Essentially, I have both a husband and a wife, and we are raising our three kids together. Our two eldest daughters are from my partners’ existing relationship, and our newest addition was my biological contribution to our motley crew. If you had told me five years ago when I started this blog that my search for the love and the family I yearned for would end in polyamorous (multiple loves) life, I think I would have laughed at you. It was definitely not something I was looking for.

I met my two partners on the patio of the Cadillac Lounge on the last day of the very first annual Toronto Burlesque Festival. My theatre company was performing in the Tiki Brunch, and I was one of the festival organizers that year. My business partner had cast a new gal (Charity Dawn, for those of you who are fans) and I had never met her, but we had many mutual friends, and a big group of them came to see her (get naked) perform. Nekky and Sarah were in that group. After the show we all stayed and ate and drank for a very, very, very long time. Nekky began to show boat by ordering copious amounts of everything for the table. I thought they were interesting people, but I frankly thought that Nekky was a show off. Ha!

After that epic first encounter, Nekky and Sarah began to turn up at all of our social functions, and the more time we spent together, the more I realized how much we had in common. It was when I first went to their home and met their daughters that I really started to fall in love with their family. I had never met such bright, beautiful, engaged children. Talking and playing with the girls was more interesting than most interactions I had with adults!

We began to spend a lot of time together, and N & S witnessed so many of my failed attempts at finding love, which we used to commiserate about. They knew how badly I wanted a family of my own, and how loud my clock was ticking. The two of them even went so far as to set me up with a good friend from university, with whom I was really smitten. I think one of my great dating failures was my enthusiasm, and I think I scared him off. I was terrible about putting the cart waaay before the horse, and I’d get so excited before really getting to know the people I was dating.

Finally, as I was crying into a cocktail over the latest dating disaster (and trust me, there were a lot of cocktails at that time) Sarah said “Why don’t you just marry us?”. At this point, I will admit that the three of us had definitely begun some (largely cocktail fueled) experimenting that certainly went beyond the traditional definitions of friendship. It was great fun, but nothing I’d considered seriously because, well, because I don’t think many of us would consider a husband and wife team as a serious dating prospect!

When Sarah said those words, some chord was struck deep inside me. All of my attempts at serious relationships were brought into sharp focus, and I realized that joining this family, however unconventional, could be exactly the missing link that would turn the traditional relationship model on it’s ear and make long-term commitment more appealing and less confining for me. Who would ever get bored with both a husband AND a wife?

The deciding factor in pursuing a relationship with Nekky and Sarah wasn’t how it would affect me socially, or how it might impact our extended families. I didn’t worry about how we would affect the children because I knew we were all amazing parents, and would always put their interests first. I didn’t even stop to consider legal  implications (at the time we formed our relationship, living conjugally with more than one person in Canada was illegal. Since then, a B.C. judge ruled that cohabiting with more than one conjugal partner was not in violation of the law, but taking any steps to make that union official can still result in prosecution. This includes having an officiant perform any kind of union ceremony.) I was mostly concerned about being able to have my own biological children some day.

Sarah was unhesitatingly into the idea of another baby, particularly one she didn’t have to birth. Nekky took way, way more convincing, but he eventually came around. Once he said that he would work towards reaching a place where having another baby was an emotional possibility, I made the decision to stop seeing other people. The rest is a complex and rich bit of history, but you’ll have to wait for the book.

I didn’t know much about polyamory before this relationship, and since then, we haven’t found any other families who are poly that we really can relate to. I would agree that any  poly groups we’ve found online seem disorganized and quite sexually charged. The three of us have our hands full, and aren’t looking for any additional partners, just some other families who share our unique perspective.

I have a lot of advice for anyone considering such a relationship model, and I’m happy to answer questions here as best I can, in the hopes that I can help others. Thanks for taking the leap and sending your note, and best of luck in your search. I hope you and your partner find worthy others you can share yourselves with.

Kisses on your nose,

Playboy Mommy

Orlando, Day Two

More Day One Photos

Ayla Meets Sleeping Beauty

Seriously knocked up at Magic Kingdom

Day Two

Our first full day in Orlando ended in the hotel pool with a moonlit family swim, and a little white lie about it being midnight when we finally convinced the kids to get out and get to bed. It was, in fact, ten o’clock which is a full two hours past their bedtime. They protested a little, but once they were tucked in, they were completely out.

The grown ups enjoyed some late night snacks and some Olympics on the hotel television. We don’t have cable at home, so it was novel to have TV, and I forgot how much I enjoy the Olympic coverage. I slept like a log, much better than the first night, where I think I got a total of three hours after trying in vain to share a bed with a twitchy eight-year-old.

In the morning we woke up slowly and headed to the hotel restaurant for breakfast on the patio. The food at the hotel was decent. Not bad, not great. We got a sweet ass discount though, so I won’t complain. With breakfast in our bellies we wandered the grounds until we found the other kid-friendly pool – a smaller one that contained a pirate ship playground. The ship spouted water and had a small slide, so it was just right for A, who incidentally decided to liberate herself from her water wings once and for all on this trip. H took great delight in playing thousands of pool games (including ‘dive for my watch’ with Daddy who is some kind of super hero when it comes to his relentless energy). Mamma S and I had a splash or two and then enjoyed lounging – she with her Suduko and I with my book. (Oh, my book! It definitely bears mention. A gift from my wonderful friend who works for a major Canadian book retailer, ‘tiny beautiful things’ was devoured by me on this vacation. It’s a compilation of published advice column entries called ‘Dear Sugar’ and Sugar is in fact author Cheryl Strayed. Oh how I love this book.) We also armed ourselves with virgin Pina Coladas.

Pool side fun began to subside for me as I started to fret about when we would leave for day two of Disney. It seems I have a real problem with relaxing and chilling the eff out. I watched our kids with fascination amazed at how they lived in each and every moment, wondering how I too was once capable of such a thing. The idea of doing nothing for a whole day actually makes me feel a bit anxious. After a gentle reminder from Daddy, I forced myself to relax a little. Not long after we returned to our room to change, hit the resto again for a lunch/snack and then headed back to Magic Kingdom.

The weather was much more agreeable, and we arrived there just before 5pm but all we had to tackle was Tomorrowland. We (or at least those of us who aren’t pregnant) Fast Passed for Space Mountain, and  then filled the four hour wait with all of the other rides in Tomorrowland. A and Mama S went off to meet the latest Disney Princess, Merida from the movie Brave, while H and Daddy and I took on the Carousel of Progress. Those animatronics figures still delight/creep the hell out of me and I’m fairly sure H felt the same.

Poor H has a real fear of mascot characters too, but strangely we encountered very few of them on our trip. She and I kept a wide berth between us and them, and she did rather well.

Tomorrowland was kind of lame, in my opinion. The kids loved the new Buzz Lightyear ride, and they also enjoyed the flying space ships. The highlight (pre Space Mountain, of course) was the Monster’s Inc Laugh Floor. It was a totally interactive, improvised comedy show that picked out members of the audience and flashed them up on a big screen for our delight and amusement. This was so well done, and half the joy was listening to H laugh so loud people kept spinning around in their seats to look at her.

Dinner consisted of $50 worth of ‘gourmet’ hot dogs (god help me), and then there was just enough time for the space ship ride before the scheduled date with Space Mountain. The ride looked like one of those fairly time kiddie rides that go up in the air and down again in a circular motion. It’s quite high up because they built it on top of a structure, so there was an amazing view of the part. There was also a far-off lightning storm which was incredibly beautiful. However, there was one thing I didn’t read about in any of the hundreds of pregnancy books I’ve tackled. Apparently you have zero equilibrium when you’re preggers. I got so dizzy and woozy on this ride, it was all I could do not to puke my $10 hot dog on to little A’s head. She was my co-pilot you see. Mama S had to help me out once the ride was over because I was too twirly to stand. The kids thought this was hilarious.

While the fam hit Space Mountain, I made a date with the People Mover, which is a series of little cars that move around Tomorrowland. I had the whole thing to myself, so I put my feet up and enjoyed the warm breeze. The ride was substantial, and ate up a decent chunk of time. The fact that we broke down for ten minutes also really helped.

We all met up again after, and it was just about time to find a place to watch the nightly fireworks blow out. H was unfortunately done with the whole thing at this point, and A despite demanding that we stay was also getting over-tired (read angry and emo). I’m still not totally sure why we elected to stay on anyway, but the fireworks were very pretty. Thank god Mama S thought to rent a stroller.

By the end of the fireworks, I was definitely on the list of children who wanted to be in bed NOW. The problem was this – do we stay an extra hour and let the crowd disburse, potentially getting trapped in the light-up parade that ends the night, or do we brave the crowd and get the hell out of there? The shrieking and crying that began coming from the stroller was our answer.  We really should have got a double.

If you ever think it’s a good idea to drag two exhausted kids and a seven-months pregnant lady through a crowd of thousands of people all trying to get to the same place (and many of these other people are exhausted, cranky-ass kids) I am here to tell you resolutely that it is NOT. Getting out of the park was challenging, but the line up to wait for a monorail was pure hell.

When you are an adult, you are apparently not supposed to whine and carry on as a child might when you are uncomfortable or tired (another lesson I’m working on). When you have kids, you have to bite your tongue and soldier on, and even try to make the shittiest shit fun. Daddy is very good at this. I am not. I did manage stoic and silent though. Just as we were about to board the monorail, the two kids behind us, roughly the same age as ours, actually threw themselves to the ground and passed out. There was something that was frankly eerie about being jostled about in a crowd of exhausted, emotional, sweaty people who were all waiting to be herded onto trains. Not really the Disney fantasy I had in mind. At least nobody puked.

Reaching the car was like arriving at the Promised Land. Once they were strapped in and the a/c was blasting, it was only moments before the children were deeply unconscious. Once home, straight to bed for every last one of us. Were the fireworks worth it? Personally, I say no, but Mama S got to snap some cool photos.

Day three brought us a day of total chilling out. Stay tuned for more…

It’s Gonna Take A Lot To Take Me Away From You

Dar es Salaam, Tanzania

Have you ever remained in denial about a thing until it was right there staring you in the face? Of course then what happens is that all of the feelings and fears you refused to acknowledge are there en mass, and there’s no pretending anymore.

I’m folding tiny clothes and tiny socks and packing up suitcases and trying to stay bright and positive, but I’m not good at missing people. I’m not good at “aparting” as my five-year-old would say. My fella and my girls are off to Africa for three weeks and my lady and I must stay behind.

It’s a huge opportunity and a huge adventure for the girls and my man hasn’t been back in 22 years. It’s an important trip for the extended family, surrounding an important religious occasion, and I’m excited for them but so sad.

Sad to miss so many firsts, sad to be so far away, sad to not be able to take time off to visit such an amazing place, and sad that their first time couldn’t be our first time too.

There’s a bright side too because there always is. I get three very quiet weeks to focus on work, reading, writing. I get three weeks to enjoy some alone time with my lady. I’m hoping those great pluses will take the edge off my worry and sadness.

I furnished the girls with a fresh new sketch book, we will Skype every day, and hopefully the time will fly by. In the New Year, I’m hopeful that we can go on a family vacation – something we’ve yet to do all together.

What a magical time for them! I guess it’s a little tough for me because I’ve missed a lot of their magical experiences already, and I’m new to the maternal separation anxiety thing.  I’ll focus on the magic that we’re bound to share as their lives unfold, enjoy the quiet time for reflection, and celebrate the adventures that await us all.

Dear Friends

You are really and truly amazing and important to me. In many ways, I think of you as the family I have chosen, and I hope that you share that sentiment with me. My home is always open to you, as is my heart, and when I love people there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for them.

I have a few requests of you, so I hope you are listening.

1. I am in a closed romantic relationship. Though it defies convention, in many ways we are the same as conventional couples. We are “monogamous” insofar as we can be. We welcome your hugs, kisses, platonic love and mild flirtation, but please know that we are not recruiting.

2. The children in my life call me “mama”. They believe I am their mother. I believe I am their mother. My partners believe I am their mother. Please address me as such, particularly in front of my children, and kindly do not address parental-type conversations directly to their biological parents in front of me. We are called “mamma S” and “mamma C” if you need to make a distinction. Please treat my children as you would if they were my adopted or biological children. I call them my step kids, but it’s a bit different, isn’t it?

3. We are living in the open. Therefore when thanking us as a family please address us either by our individual first names or lump us all together under one tree. Either use my full name and say “and the rest of the x family” or just say the “x family”. We care what you think. We don’t give a shit about what your parents/aunts/uncles/strangers/etc. think.

4. If you can’t invite all of us to events and occasions because you’re afraid of what people will think, please don’t invite any of us. We won’t always ALL be able to come, but we’re not really into leaving anyone behind for reasons other than schedule conflicts.

5.  We are all partners now. Terms like “husband” and “wife” no longer apply to any of us, unless you are trying to be cute and are bestowing titles on all of us.

6. Thank you for your love and support. We’re going to have a lot of explaining to do in this lifetime, and some unintentional social blunders to wade through because of the choices we’ve made. We anticipate this, and hope that this post has been helpful. There aren’t really any etiquette tips that apply to our situation, so we are creating our own.

Take a moment and reflect on your own relationship, if you are in one. Some of you wouldn’t have the love that so enriches your lives if it weren’t for pioneers to blaze the trail to the rights you now enjoy, and perhaps take a little bit for granted. Maybe one day, we’ll be able to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our own courage in a way that extends well beyond our four walls.

With so much love,

Schnoo