Hi Playboy Mommy!
I’m 28 years old, have a beautiful 2-year-old son and have been with my fiancé for 8 years. Before we had my son everything was great in the sex department, we did it like rabbits and were quite adventurous, but since I had my son I have absolutely NO sex drive at all, I have no want or desire and he still has a sex drive like a teenage boy who just hit puberty! I feel like after my son was born all the romance, fun and adventure just dwindled away; I feel like I’m letting him down I don’t want him to feel like there’s anything wrong with him but it takes a lot just to get me in the mood, once I’m there I’m good to go, but it takes effort on both parts. I also got the Mirena birth control so I wonder if it has to do anything with that or just the fact that I’m always tired and stressed from staying at home. Please help!!
Dearest Desperate Mommy,
I could have written the note you sent above. My son is about two-and-a-half, he’s my first bio baby, and I went from having sex multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, to being lucky if I can get it on once a week. From everything I’ve read, and everything I hear from my other parent friends, this is the norm. My little guy is in day care three times a week, and I still have a fraction of the mojo that I used to. We even have three parents in my home to help share the child care load, and help give the other parents some alone time.
A loss in your sex drive, now that you are experiencing the radical new world of parenthood is due to a few things:
1. Hormones – These are still getting back to balance, believe it or not. Even the slightest imbalance is felt throughout your body. Have your doctor check your hormone levels, and your thyroid for good measure. It’s unlikely that Mirena is affecting you, it’s a very low dose of progesterone, which should actual help with your sex drive, but ask your doctor about that too.
2. Exhaustion – When’s the last time you slept really, really well? I share a bed with my son, which I love, but this often leaves me at the mercy of whatever kind of sleep he’s having. Punches to the head, a good feel up, an elbow to the nose are all totally common while I am trying to sleep. You said you’re at home with your little one? Imagine a pie chart illustrating how much energy goes towards him throughout the course of a normal day. I can’t even take a shit without a toddler in my lap most of the time. When I get some time to myself, the last thing I can imagine is sharing my physical and mental space with another human. This is the way it goes when you’re a mom. Take some good vitamins including your Omegas, some Vitamin D, and some B12. Try to exercise a little every day. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but it has helped me immensely.
3. Your Own Constant Physical Gratification – My therapist, a wise woman if ever there was one, pointed something out to me that I had never considered; having a small child means that you are constantly getting physical attention. Affectionate cuddles, hugs, kisses – these are all supplied by your wee one on a consistent basis. If you are still breastfeeding, you’re even getting the same kind of endorphin release you would get from orgasm. Don’t freak out and take this the wrong way, but your baby is making you feel that love rush in a whole new way. Prior to his arrival, Daddy was probably the go-to guy for all of this feel-good attention, in a more adult way of course. I don’t think our brain chemicals can really differentiate between those.
4. The Profound Love of Motherhood – Here’s where I make a confession. Once upon a time, I thought romantic love was the be all and end all. The greatest passion I’d ever known. The force of life. In some ways, I still think it is, but nothing will compare to the unbelievable depths of the love I feel as a mother. The fierce desire to protect, the incredible delight in each new experience, the deep connection to another soul – I don’t think you can get this from a romantic relationship, not in the ways I have learned it as a mother. This, quite frankly, has shuffled sex to a much lower priority for me.
5. Your Body Image – How do you feel about your body post-baby? What a fucking ride that pregnancy and birth stuff was, huh? And breastfeeding? How much of a rock star mother goddess did you feel like? Or, maybe all of that was a living hell for you. Maybe you wake up in a cold sweat remembering some of the experiences you had bringing this little dude into the world. I still shudder when I think of how long it took the OBGYN to stitch my vagina back together. I was afraid my poonani would be the Humpty Dumpty of childbirth. Whatever the case, your body isn’t ever going to feel the same. I hope that you feel like a powerful, beautiful warrior woman. I hope you’ve realized how strong, and vital, and brilliant you are. However, if you’re like me, you’ll look at your deflated post-breastfeeding tits and that lumpy little pouch that used to be a smooth(ish) tummy and you’ll think “Ah well, at least this shell is relatively healthy.” That’s on a good day, by the way. It’s not enough that we sacrifice our bodies to grow life, but then there is this totally sadistic pressure on us to make sure our bodies look like it never happened. I say do what you can to get your confidence back, but ignore mass media as best you can. You MADE A PERSON for Chrissakes!
So, in my humble and self-proclaimed expert opinion, I truly comprehend why sex is not the same to you, but here’s the thing my Desperate girlfriend, you need to reclaim that shit!
Remember how much you liked being so horny? How much fun it was to get ready for a date?
Remember how many crazy things you guys did to each other?
Remember how well he knows every inch of your body after so much time exploring it?
Remember how only you know that a, b, and c will send him right over the edge?
Remember how a rocking orgasm can make even baby shit in your hair seem funny?
Remember how your beautiful baby will be grown up in the blink of an eye and you’ll be left staring at the aged face of the man who once made your toes curl wondering “What the hell happened to us?”
We all end up “one of THOSE women”. I believe this is one of those bullshit things that everyone sugar coats because they don’t want to scare you off pro-creating. If some of you reading this bypassed the ‘case of the missing lady hardon’ phase of your motherhood experience, be a dear and let us know your secrets in the comments section.
You hit the nail on the head when you said once I’m there I’m good to go. Get there. Figure it out. Ask him to help you come up with ideas about how to make this happen for both of you. Make sure he knows you want to keep a rocking sex life, now that the baby powder has settled. Take advantage of grandparents and other trustworthy babysitters. Use those Groupon deals for motel rooms. Shave your pussy again. Check out this post I wrote a while back. You, my mother goddess friend deserve to have your baby cake and get eaten too. Fight for your sensuality, even as you are fielding boogers. Remember your own need for a strong sexual identity and have daddy do bedtime while you luxuriate in a bath. Orgasms are good for you. They help you live longer, they make you feel better so you can be the best mommy to your little one, the best partner to your man, and most importantly the best self you know you can be.
Kisses on your nose,