Mommy Wants More Sex

Hi Playboy Mommy!

I’m 28 years old, have a beautiful 2-year-old son and have been with my fiancé for 8 years. Before we had my son everything was great in the sex department, we did it like rabbits and were quite adventurous, but since I had my son I have absolutely NO sex drive at all, I have no want or desire and he still has a sex drive like a teenage boy who just hit puberty! I feel like after my son was born all the romance, fun and adventure just dwindled away; I feel like I’m letting him down I don’t want him to feel like there’s anything wrong with him but it takes a lot just to get me in the mood, once I’m there I’m good to go, but it takes effort on both parts. I also got the Mirena birth control so I wonder if it has to do anything with that or just the fact that I’m always tired and stressed from staying at home. Please help!!

Desperate mommy!

Dearest Desperate Mommy,

I could have written the note you sent above. My son is about two-and-a-half,  he’s my first bio baby, and I went from having sex multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, to being lucky if I can get it on once a week. From everything I’ve read, and everything I hear from my other parent friends, this is the norm. My little guy is in day care three times a week, and I still have a fraction of the mojo that I used to. We even have three parents in my home to help share the child care load, and help give the other parents some alone time.

A loss in your sex drive, now that you are experiencing the radical new world of parenthood is due to a few things:

1. Hormones – These are still getting back to balance, believe it or not. Even the slightest imbalance is  felt throughout your body. Have your doctor check your hormone levels, and your thyroid for good measure. It’s unlikely that Mirena is affecting you, it’s a very low dose of progesterone, which should actual help with your sex drive, but ask your doctor about that too.

2. Exhaustion – When’s the last time you slept really, really well? I share a bed with my son, which I love, but this often leaves me at the mercy of whatever kind of sleep he’s having. Punches to the head, a good feel up, an elbow to the nose are all totally common while I am trying to sleep. You said you’re at home with your little one? Imagine a pie chart illustrating how much energy goes towards him throughout the course of a normal day. I can’t even take a shit without a toddler in my lap most of the time. When I get some time to myself, the last thing I can imagine is sharing my physical and mental space with another human. This is the way it goes when you’re a mom. Take some good vitamins including your Omegas, some Vitamin D, and some B12. Try to exercise a little every day. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but it has helped me immensely.

3. Your Own Constant Physical Gratification – My therapist, a wise woman if ever there was one, pointed something out to me that I had never considered; having a small child means that you are constantly getting physical attention. Affectionate cuddles, hugs, kisses – these are all supplied by your wee one on a consistent basis. If you are still breastfeeding, you’re even getting the same kind of endorphin release you would get from orgasm. Don’t freak out and take this the wrong way, but your baby is making you feel that love rush in a whole new way. Prior to his arrival, Daddy was probably the go-to guy for all of this feel-good attention, in a more adult way of course. I don’t think our brain chemicals can really differentiate between those.

4. The Profound Love of Motherhood – Here’s where I make a confession. Once upon a time, I thought romantic love was the be all and end all. The greatest passion I’d ever known. The force of life. In some ways, I still think it is, but nothing will compare to the unbelievable depths of the love I feel as a mother. The fierce desire to protect, the incredible delight in each new experience, the deep connection to another soul – I don’t think you can get this from a romantic relationship, not in the ways I have learned it as a mother. This, quite frankly, has shuffled sex to a much lower priority for me.

5. Your Body Image – How do you feel about your body post-baby? What a fucking ride that pregnancy and birth stuff was, huh? And breastfeeding? How much of a rock star mother goddess did you feel like? Or, maybe all of that was a living hell for you. Maybe you wake up in a cold sweat remembering some of the experiences you had bringing this little dude into the world. I still shudder when I think of how long it took the OBGYN to stitch my vagina back together. I was afraid my poonani would be the Humpty Dumpty of childbirth.  Whatever the case, your body isn’t ever going to feel the same. I hope that you feel like a powerful, beautiful warrior woman. I hope you’ve realized how strong, and vital, and brilliant you are. However, if you’re like me, you’ll look at your deflated post-breastfeeding tits and that lumpy little pouch that used to be a smooth(ish) tummy and you’ll think “Ah well, at least this shell is relatively healthy.” That’s on a good day, by the way. It’s not enough that we sacrifice our bodies to grow life, but then there is this totally sadistic pressure on us to make sure our bodies look like it never happened. I say do what you can to get your confidence back, but ignore mass media as best you can. You MADE A PERSON for Chrissakes!

So, in my humble and self-proclaimed expert opinion, I truly comprehend why sex is not the same to you, but here’s the thing my Desperate girlfriend, you need to reclaim that shit!

Remember how much you liked being so horny? How much fun it was to get ready for a date?

Remember how many crazy things you guys did to each other?

Remember how well he knows every inch of your body after so much time exploring it?

Remember how only you know that a, b, and c will send him right over the edge?

Remember how a rocking orgasm can make even baby shit in your hair seem funny?

Remember how your beautiful baby will be grown up in the blink of an eye and you’ll be left staring at the aged face of the man who once made your toes curl wondering “What the hell happened to us?”

That’s why.

We all end up “one of THOSE women”. I believe this is one of those bullshit things that everyone sugar coats because they don’t want to scare you off pro-creating. If some of you reading this bypassed the ‘case of the missing lady hardon’ phase of your motherhood experience, be a dear and let us know your secrets in the comments section.

You hit the nail on the head when you said once I’m there I’m good to go. Get there. Figure it out. Ask him to help you come up with ideas about how to make this happen for both of you. Make sure he knows you want to keep a rocking sex life, now that the baby powder has settled. Take advantage of grandparents and other trustworthy babysitters. Use those Groupon deals for motel rooms. Shave your pussy again. Check out this post I wrote a while back. You, my mother goddess friend deserve to have your baby cake and get eaten too. Fight for your sensuality, even as you are fielding boogers. Remember your own need for a strong sexual identity and have daddy do bedtime while you luxuriate in a bath. Orgasms are good for you. They help you live longer, they make you feel better so you can be the best mommy to your little one, the best partner to your man, and most importantly the best self you know you can be.

Kisses on your nose,

Playboy Mommy

Too Tired for Sex? Try These Easy Steps.

Lovers, here’s a little secret for you. Over half the women I know who are challenged by maintaining their sex drive tell me that life is too busy to focus on sex. Responsibilities like work, home upkeep, children and pets all seem to get in the way. Often, we are the very last thing on the to-do list, and we’re usually too tired for sex.

What if I told you an active sex life is as important to your body and soul as going to the gym, or yoga, or meditating? Like, other forms of exercise, sexual activity is rejuvenating and restorative and can fill up your energy reservoir. Whether you have a partner to share your sexuality with, or if you are the only one currently enjoying your sexual self, a good hearty helping of orgasmic yum is a vital part of a balanced, happy you.

As I fell out of bed this morning, simultaneously trying to put on some pants and collect a sleepy toddler, the last thing on my mind was feeling sexy, but even in the midst of our busy lives, I think we deserve little reminders of our sensual selves. One of the easiest ways to keep in touch with your mojo is to surround yourself with things that make you feel sexy.

Guys, these simple tips can help you turn your bachelor pad into a serious love shack where your lady friends will feel welcome, and most importantly, at ease. If you’re partnered up, these simple adjustments to your love nest will score major bj points. Ladies,build simple, beautiful reminders of sex into your home, and you just might notice that you’re getting done as frequently as the laundry.

Playboy Mommy’s Top Ten Tips for Sensual Living:

1.) Keep your space clean, and clutter-free.
Relaxation is key to enjoying sexy times. If you devote a couple of short hours each week to a thorough tidy-up (enlisting the other members of your household, particularly any who may want to get it on with you) your space will be filled with harmony, ready for surprise drop-ins at any moment, and a lovely, welcoming place for you to unwind and let loose.

2.) Add flowers to your favorite rooms.
If you or your housemates are free of flower allergies, this is a simple, easy way to romance yourself. Weekend markets offer a wide array of bright, affordable blooms and one of my favorite Saturday rituals is strolling through the market stalls and selecting some fragrant buds to arrange at home. Fellas, choose simple tropical flowers, which are more sculptural and bold than girlie and pretty (Bird of Paradise is a nice choice). If you’re worried that flowers in your man cave may send the wrong message, tell her one of your female colleagues bought them as a thank you gift, and be elusive about the project that you helped said colleague with.

3.) Candles add instant sexy to any space.
Choose simple, neutral colors and quality candles that will burn nicely and not make a huge mess. Scented candles can be lovely too, but not everyone enjoys scented stuff. Sometimes an overpowering fragrance can be a huge buzz kill. A mild vanilla scent is almost always a safe bet because most people love the smell of cookies, unless they are evil.

4.) Pamper!
We just don’t give ourselves enough time to simply luxuriate and pamper ourselves. Men, this goes for you too. Once a week, set aside an hour for yourself to relax in the tub, or have an extra long, steamy shower. Make sure your hands and feet are in great shape. Groom any body hair that needs maintenance. Enjoy your favorite bath and body treatments, and really focus on your skin, and the sensation of your own attention on your body. If you can afford to take more than an hour per week, really max out your time here and enjoy each moment of peace. I often fake constipation so I have a great excuse for prolonged bathroom visits.

5.) Consider set decorating.
One simple, sexy prop strategically placed in your bedroom and bathroom can be all the gentle reminder that you need to maintain your own sense of sensuality. Hang your favorite silk slip or negligée on the back of your bedroom door. Make a date with yourself to sleep in it at least once a week, whether or not you have company. Hand wash your sexiest lingerie and hang it up in the bathroom to be discovered. Spend a lazy Sunday with nothing on but your favorite sexy robe, with a touch of makeup and some attention to your hair, if that makes you feel sexier. If you don’t own lingerie, please, please do yourself a favor and buy a couple of pieces to get started – even if there is no lover immediately on the horizon. Guys, nothing makes a woman crazier than a thick, white, terry cloth robe. Even if you don’t think you’ll ever wear one, buy one ASAP and use it as a prop in your room. Something about these makes us think of steamy hot showers and blow jobs. No joke. Just remember to cut the tags off.

6.) Eat chocolate.
Unless you have an allergy (my condolences) or just aren’t into it (though I’m not sure how that’s possible) you should have a bar of high quality, dark chocolate on hand no matter what. One little square is sometimes all you need to satisfy a craving, at least a sugar craving, and chocolate can come in handy in all kinds of other ways. It’s nice to keep whipping cream on hand all of the time, because you never know when you might need it. On someone’s belly.

7.) Bottoms Up!
Little else beats the perfect cocktail or glass of wine at the end of the work day as you’re unwinding or enjoying dinner. I’m not talking about tying one on, I’m just talking about that savory experience of appreciating your favorite grown-up drink, like those sexy Europeans. There’s even a fair bit of research that indicates moderate drinking can be good for your heart. For you non-drinkers, maybe your grown-up drink of choice is an exotic tea blend. Whatever your choice is, make it into a little ritual where you simply focus on taste, and how that particular liquid makes your body feel.

8.) Read grown up bedtime stories.
Long before I became a writer, I learned to love reading erotica. As tweens, my friends and I would buy second-hand romance novels, the ridiculously over-the-top ones with heaving bosoms and swarthy pirates, and highlight all of the sex scenes. We’d read these to each other at slumber parties with sheer delight. Erotica now has mass appeal, and there really is something for everyone. I recommend this as an alternative to porn, if porn isn’t your thing because it engages the imagination, and really gets your sensual brain in overdrive. The mind is the most important sex organ, and one or two naughty bedtime stories will add spark to your waking life, and weave some seriously yummy themes through your dreaming.

9.) Exercise.
If you want your body to feel alive and sexy, you have to take good care of it. This may seem really obvious, but we often find ourselves so bogged down by work and life that fitness and nutrition take a real back seat to everything else. Make sure you are doing some type of exercise activity each and every day, and take a look at the fuel you are giving your body. I’ve recently been through a total overhaul, and I can’t tell you what a difference it has made to my self-image and sex life. Meowr.

10.) Enjoy solo play dates.
If you don’t masturbate, it’s time to start. Self-love is absolutely essential to a great sex life, and overall wellness, and anyone who tells you any different has some other agenda that you don’t need to concern yourself with. Understanding how your body works and what you enjoy in terms of touch and stimulus is the key to great partner sex. If you don’t masturbate daily, start by promising to explore your own body weekly. Don’t pressure yourself to have an orgasm, just really enjoy the process. The only goal here is to explore and see what your body can teach you.

Even if you can’t implement all ten tips, challenge yourself to try as many as you can. When we take the time to focus on our sensual selves, when we embrace sensuality as part of our daily grind (I couldn’t resist), and we open doors to sensual possibilities that might have otherwise been lost to the daily shuffle. Life is too short to not be a little bit sexy every day.