Cat Skinner Club

Random Acts of Nature

Rainy Day by Alexander Volkov

Yesterday, I had just launched in to a much-needed psychiatrist’s visit when the entire hospital building began to move underneath us. Ten seconds and a shudder later, this phenomenon stopped. Then we were evacuated.

I got separated from my shrink in the stairwell, and blinking into the sunlight like a mole, I wandered shell-shocked until I found a Second Cup. Then I called my family. Almost all of them.

The descent down several flights of stairs, iPhone in hand, eliminated my fear that someone had bombed the G20 summit downtown. Apparently we’d experienced an earthquake. Everyone was safe, but my head was still full of stuff. An explosion of cranky, a nap, a date with my girl, a good night’s rest – my head is still full, but I’ve been thinking…

Underneath all of our personal drama spins a planet that is complex and changing all of the time. It spins and quakes and shudders and erupts and then continues to spin again.

There is not one among us who hasn’t similarly quaked and erupted only to return to our rotation, and in that realization comes a deep sense of peace.

Looking at this next chapter, all of the worry seems normal, and totally manageable. The time has come to let go of the things I can’t control and simply have faith. It’s time now to take good care of my mind, my heart, and my body to sail smoothly through the next adventures that are in store.

I listened to the pouring rain in the early hours of this morning, safe in my bed and curled up beside my love and knew that something wonderful was coming our way.

Today I woke up and everything was okay.

Today, In Therapy

Hump day is my day to sit on a couch and talk about my feelings. This was my second official visit, and the first time I tried to go back to the office after and be productive. Despite shoveling two handfuls of Munchos Parti Mix in my craw, I still feel like I can’t get anything done until I write some things down. Rather than do it in my diary (I probably will hit that next) I thought I’d share here.

The key issue we’re working on is Trust. With a capital ‘T”. Today we launched into my last relationship, which some of you know was a gong show of the highest order.

What a remarkably strong feeling of ‘ick’ I’ve got going on now. I had to put myself in the early infancy of that relationship, and try to remember what my early needs were. Facing that reality made me feel ashamed of the person I was back then. I think I learned today that a desperate fear of being alone with a lot of pain kept me tied to a relationship that should have ended six months in. Instead I stayed, and invited in a Great Big Sea of Sorrow.

What did I need?

Someone to distract me from my own pain (which was fairly monumental at that time)

Someone to nurture, and love

Someone whose dreams I could get behind and whose vision I could rally.

Someone who would inspire me with their artistry

Recently, when examining my current, rather complex relationship, I began to worry that I was repeating a pattern of making very difficult and possibly negative choices for myself. At last week’s session, my therapist asked me to examine what my needs were. I thought of this today as I was comparing the set of needs I had with my last relationship to the set of needs I have now:

Someone to give me lots of support and love

Someone to be inspired by my artistry and rally my creativity

Someone who inspires me with their own passion and ambition

Someone who I can trust, who will be emotionally and physically available

Respect and encouragement for my need for quiet space and alone time

I know that I am more than capable of reciprocating all of this, but the difference seems to be that I’ve now got the strength to hold my head high and lead with my own list of requirements. I was also pleased to realize that all of my needs are being met, twice over! My last relationship fell apart as I began to really understand what it was I needed.

People cannot be used as band aids. We need to heal ourselves before any real progress can happen. I suppose today’s lesson is that whenever you feel the most terrified of your own head and heart, these are the moments that you should sit alone with both of those organs and make sure they’re o.k. before moving on.

I ignored my gut for four years because my head and my heart were broken.

Oh, and Munchos cause acid reflux.