My Crucial Night

“All you can take with you is that which you’ve given away.” – Peter Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life

I’ve been thinking a lot about the year that’s about to begin. One of my great lessons from 2018 is that I can do very little to control how things will unfold in life, so it seems a bit silly to think of what kind of year I’d like to have in 2019. 

The other most powerful lesson from 2018 is how much I can influence the way I feel about whatever life throws. I can consciously choose where to focus my emotion and intent. And so, as far as resolutions go, this is my plan. I’ll focus on where to put my energy.

Saturday was a perfect day. It began in the waters at Body Blitz, surrounded by beautiful, powerful women. I was in heaven; so calm and so glorious in my body. Then we shared a meal with some of our babies and some of our men. There was love and sweetness all around me, and I carried all of that glow into what turned out to be a completely magical evening.

The holidays surprised me. I’ve done enough repair with my exes that we could share time over the course of three whole days, to be with our kids. It was bittersweet, but I was so grateful for that restored sense of family and connection. I knew that it wasn’t home, but it was a place I could visit and feel loved and welcome. 

I had a difficult conversation with someone who I love about my ability to occupy space that resembles a traditional relationship. About where my heart is, and what it needs. About really looking at where our own connection was headed. With truth and love, I honored my own boundaries when my gut told me loud and clear that I needed to pay attention and make a change. Transparency is the only way for me. Listening to my gut is everything.

Recently, I asked myself to stay present and witness the depth of my own ability to connect, instead of numbing myself in the ways that I sometimes do. I reached into the places in someone that call for my ministrations and I filled that space with my pure and loving intention. I am blessed with a deep capacity to give and receive love; a well that cannot run dry as long as I am the water bearer. That goodness must be doled out in a way that feels clear and true.

I’m percolating ideas for welcoming 2019. There is so much in my life already. I think of all the things I could wish for, what I truly want is passion. I can humble myself before the universe, in the face of all of the pain and loss I lived through in 2018 and ask for this year to be different. I am brave enough to ask for more.

In 2019 I will be the queen of my own domain. The home that I return to. The safety I have created. I will be the keeper of my heart; this enormous love-soaked heart that wants to give and give and give of my fire.

I will pour my passion into writing, into mothering, into my tribe of fierce women who bolster and inspire me, into my exploration of the sacred feminine, into my love of nature, into my education, into my businesses, into the lovers I select to share intimacy with. I will pour out that passion and take it in all of the forms that it may return to me.

As I allow myself to be this vessel, I will articulate and define exactly what this life of mine will be. This sweet and wondrous life that lives in the few short breaths remaining between now and the twilight of my days.

Will you walk with me in passion? Will you taste my fire? Will you conjure with me sighs of satisfaction so deep that they will serve us like blankets against the cold and darker days? Will you join my tribe, and live in my heart, and stay in this light for a while?

Happy New Year to you all. May your dear hearts be light and ready to receive a bounty of love in 2019.

The Burning Bowl – A Ritual of Release & Attraction

Items Required:

Paper

Writing implement

Matches

Fireproof vessel

Create space that feels still and sacred. Light a candle, burn some incense, purify the air with essential oil or sage. Whatever it means to you to have sacred space.

Select two sheets of paper.

Close your eyes and reflect on the year that has passed. Consider the milestones and passages. The pain and the pleasure. The lessons learned and the knowledge yet to be gained. When you are ready, list six things that you would like to leave behind in the year to come. They can be actual objects, or experiences, or emotional states, or personality traits that no longer serve you.

Fold this piece of paper up. Place the paper into the fireproof vessel.

Light the paper on fire as you set an intention to let these six things leave your life.

On the second sheet of paper, repeat this process, but this time consider six things you would like to draw into your life for the new year. Write those things down. Allow yourself a moment to imagine how your life will be enriched by these things.

Now fold this paper, and place it into the vessel. Repeat step 5, while silently calling forth the things you’ve written on this list.

Release the space you’ve created with gratitude and love.

Scatter any remaining ashes outdoors. You can bury these in the ground, let the wind take them, or empty them into a body of water.

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