The Facebook Cry for Help

I don’t ever want to be a chronic case, but every now and then, the ‘Facebook Cry for Help’ really gets you what you need.

This morning was another immensely challenging start to the day with Noah. I had let him play with my phone in bed, but then asked for it back to send an important text. He went postal and started with the punching and screaming. My initial approach was calm, explaining that hitting hurts, and if he kept hitting, he wouldn’t get the phone back. This didn’t work. I tried sympathizing with him, while still being firm. This didn’t work. Finally, I told him that if he kept hitting and kicking me, he would have to leave my room. I’m not proud of this, but when it continued and even ramped up to pinching (and trust me, the little monkey is quite strong) I plucked him from the bed, set him outside my room, and locked the door. Bad parenting, 100 percent.

Now, with the whole house awoken by the sounds of toddler screams, I didn’t need to send any texts. I got some helping hands from the other parents, and my bewildered tween gave me that look she gives when I’m feeling overwhelmed. A look of trepidation and uncertainty. I project onto this look, “She thinks I’m a terrible parent.” because I think I’m a terrible parent in this moment. Then my partner returns with my son, and she tells me he’s too young to have separation be a consequence for bad behavior. She’s right, of course, she usually is, but I’m falling so fast into the spiral I can’t hear her. Instead I break down, citing exhaustion (partially true) and ineptitude (what I believe is mostly true) as my reasons for making a mistake.

I made a mistake. I make lots of them. These mistakes are often around issues of parenting. Now that my animal brain is mostly switched off again, I’ll hazard that most parents do this. Here, the mistake is less of an issue than what happens inside my head when I make it.

Noah felt like the only thing I was really good at. I figured it was because I got to start from scratch with him. And maybe because of our biological tie. I told myself that I would always be great at Noah, and I could always hold on to that. Well guess what? Noah is approaching three, and I’m more and more feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m also thinking I put a crap load of unrealistic pressure on myself to be perfect.

The challenge isn’t parenting resources. There’s an abundance of those. The real thing that I need is to be able to love myself through my mistakes, and not fall into the well where I feel so terrible that I believe with great clarity (in those moments) that everyone is better off without me. How can anyone learn or grow from such a place? How do I stay away from there?

I posted a cry for help. I got lots of loving advice. These words of encouragement worked. I saw my pain reflected in others’ who have had similar experiences with failure feelings. I was gifted with this wonderful video created and produced by a Facebook friend, Tamara Levitt. If you are struggling with feelings of failure, you must invest ten minutes to watch this, it was beautiful.

My narrative started to shift. Maybe just admitting I was sucking at parenting made me a better parent because it opened doors to improvement? Maybe these profound feelings of shame are a clue that I need to access more self-love and compassion when I am feeling challenged? Maybe I should shelve my work responsibilities and spend the morning watching parenting videos? There were suddenly possibilities beyond “I should leave because I’m ruining everyone’s life.”

Progress is realizing how much faster that turn around has happened. A matter of hours today instead of days. It would have taken me days to feel worthwhile again, not long ago.

This morning after the other parents brought Noah downstairs to play, I had a good bawl. Then I splashed water on my face, got dressed, and went downstairs to try a restart. I got hugs from everyone, including the still wary Hannah. I played with Noah who was right as rain. I fed him, we snuggled, and then I took him to school where he got extra hugs and kisses from me when I dropped him off.

Next I’m going to set up a Skype session with my therapist so I can talk about self-love strategies. Avoiding the pit of despair will bolster me with the confidence I need to get through this challenging toddler time.

I’m not sure what else I can to do be better at this, but this is a start. And another lesson learned; keep breathing, ask for help, apologize, forgive and the shift from desperation and pain to possibility and hope is inevitable.

Join My Club
I promise to give you first dibs on all of the awesomeness
I'm about to unleash on the world and free access to my library of passionate resources
Join My Club

Comments

comments

Follow:
Share:

2 Comments

  1. Jason
    July 14, 2015 / 11:27 am

    I think another very human trait is to lose perspective as we continue our battle with self growth. Having been a reader for a Very Long Time now, I’d invite you to try to take a step back and read the words you wrote here and look at the ocean of self-growth and awareness that you’ve gained.

    I’m not a parent, but I am sure it is the hardest job anyone can sign up for, with a proverbial mirror being thrust in your face constantly as you go about your day.

    You’ve found your safe place, and are learning yourself better than most are brave enough to even attempt. xo

  2. Rachelle Skinner
    July 14, 2015 / 11:46 am

    Catherine I just want to tell you that YOU ARE A GOOD PARENT and of course it is a learning curve. Not one of us has this enormous task down pat. The fact that you can write about it must help immensely and help you grow. I wish that I could have done this as I was raising my two children and looking after my Mother in law and working all at the same time. No one ever said it was easy. Stop beating yourself up. You are a great mom and Noah will grow out of this I am sure. Don’t forget that I am here to take Noah for a sleep over anytime you need me or I can come to your place and take over when you need “ME TIME”. Love you Catherine.
    MOM

    xo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *