July 13, 11:15 pm
I’m whispering into your ear. Can you hear me?
Tonight I’m actually nodding off as I’m typing these words, but I wanted to let my fingers dance here, because I’m feeling very strange, and I’m hoping the exercise will help exorcise the real matter at hand.
Distance. I’m thinking about distance, and how it has saved me time and again in the last year. I put miles between myself and a horrible breakup by running away to Paris. I’ve kept so many people at arm’s length to avoid getting too close. I’ve locked myself away in a fortress of my own creation. I’ve been “too busy” on more occasions than I care to count. It is with certain clarity that I understand how easy it would be to just run away from this life and live like a gypsy for a while. Had I been presented with the opportunity, I would have run.
But instead, I literally built up my own life from a pile of debris. I watched things take shape slowly, and as I look around at all the repairs left to be made, and odd jobs left to be done, I realize there are some that I can do myself (the painting for example) but there are some that I’ve left deliberately for someone else.
My dog shifts on the sofa at my side and nestles his warm head into my thigh, sighing mightily in his slumber. I envy him so much sometimes.
Excitement is not coming to me easily these days. I am watching my life from afar, and it may be partially due to the cold meds. The rest of it is the strangest sense of detachment, and displacement.
Yep…going to have to sleep now. I’ll finish this one up in the morning…
July 14th, 9:45 pm
It’s not the morning…
Sleep went very well until about 4:00 am when my drunken neighbour came home and made a ruckus. Still, I feel a bit more alert this evening.
Alert, but still just a little off. I feel like I’m drifting through my days, and each one is melting into the next. I’m a helium balloon, with the finest string keeping me tethered, when all I really want to do is drift up, up, and away.
My spidey senses are tingling, too.
All of this to say that The Fortress feels like the best place for me to be right now, and Arthur is perfect company. I cannot surrender myself to anything but my profound need to hold myself very close, and very tight.
I never, ever, ever thought I would feel like this.