There is nothing more peaceful than waking up to discover everything blanketed in fresh snow. My home is a very modest one-bedroom apartment. It’s small, but the best feature is the wall of windows in the main space that overlooks a ravine. I woke up this morning full of words, and then the beauty outside made my heart want to burst.
I am starting 2020 full of love.
This tiny apartment is home to three now, and it almost never feels too small. We’re building our life, and waiting for the perfect home to grow into. There’s no rush, and there are so many moments where I’m glad to be in here, cooking good food, sharing laughter and warmth and letting the outside world go on while I’m safe and full.
We’ve found the sweetest connection in drafting our dreams. There aren’t a lot of flowers or expensive dates. There are marketing meetings over brunch, walks through the moonlit cemetery while we hammer out our business model, morning sessions over coffee while I read my latest story or post, or we listen to my podcast.
Flowers will wither. This is growing into something lasting and fruitful. I have never approached love this way.
I’ve never been with a man who can read the slightest shift in my mood, before I scarcely recognize it in myself. I’ve never been with anyone who can meet me with vulnerability like this, and a willingness to grow and learn. There is a sweetness in him that invites me to drop all of my self-protection and get to the heart of things faster than I ever have before. Loving this man is making me a better person.
He makes me feel beautiful. He recognizes my power and celebrates it. He believes in me.
He loves my son. He approaches his ever-growing role in my child’s life with curiosity and humility. He asks excellent questions about my kid and my parenting style. He appreciates the amazing parts of my boy, and wonders at the challenges he comes with. I see his desire to teach, to lead, and to love and it fills me with grace and gratitude.
He is delighted by my daughters. He is a gentleman who is engaged and indulgent. He’ll play too many rounds of the game of the moment, and laugh at the healthy competition.
He is a good man with a kind heart and pure intentions. I have felt this from him since the beginning.
And yet…
There are nights when I wake up unable to catch my breath. The family I once had feels like it still exists in an untouched state in an alternate universe. Everything good about this love feels like it could be ripped away in an instant. My fear and self-doubt remind me that what I’ve learned about love has shown me that it won’t last, and that what I’ve learned about myself is that I make bad choices and behave poorly.
This perfect, glittering snow won’t last. I can still be breathless with the wonder of it while it’s here.
And though nothing lasts forever, I cannot know what the end of this story looks like. This moment in my life is a gift, and I can hold it like it’s a fragile thing that I am certain to break, or I can pull it over my head and wrap myself in the splendour of it. I have to choose the latter, every single day. I have to stop allowing fear to step between me and the joy I deserve.
In 2020, I will stop listening to the voice that tells me I am not enough. I am whole, and worthy of the gifts that I receive. I am worthy of sharing my gifts with others. I am worthy of stepping fully into love, into my dreams, into my relationship with my children.
In 2020 I will give and receive love. I will celebrate the wonderful friends I have made over these last two years of healing (and yes, if you are reading this, I will always include you here, even if you are hurt right now). I will nurture the precious friendships I have made over the last decade of my life. I’ll create moments of greater connection with my family. I will reach for joy, over and over again. This is my word for this new year. How wonderful it would be as a word for the entire decade ahead.
As this New Year begins to unfold, I wish that each of you will be able to find moments of pure joy, no matter how deep the twilight may be. May you always find the balance between the shadows of your past and the haze of your future, and live in the clear, bright present.