All The King’s Horses


I am sitting upright, in the guest room bed of one of my oldest, dearest friends. The salt from my tear-stained cheeks is stinging my skin, and my life feels like it is falling apart. Again.

When I offer up my trust, I need it to be honored – as any of us do, of course. That means depending on someone to be true to their word. That means relying on them to be clear and forthright, especially in the moments when we are most in need. That means being honest, even when it is difficult and painful. That also means being honest with themselves. I’m not willing to allow someone to shatter my trust twice. Not ever again. Not this Schnoo.

I am not perfect, but I have been clear, and honest. I have expressed my fears, my joys, my frustrations, my wants, my needs, my hopes, my desires, my pain, and my limitations to the very best of my ability. I cannot speak if my words fall on deaf ears.

This next step is the greatest leap of faith I have taken yet. If I fall, and land in a splatter, what does that mean for me? I believe it means that I am still not strong enough in my own head and heart to make clear, safe choices for myself. It will mean a radical retreat, and some serious self-repair. If I can soar through these next few chapters, it means that I was strong enough, and brave enough to trust myself and that my choices were sound.

Nobody can break you, unless you let yourself be broken. The more the impact hurts, the more you need to fortify yourself against disaster. Stepping out of the path of a maelstrom was a great start.

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2 Comments

  1. September 30, 2010 / 7:28 am

    It has been years since we have seen each other, but sometimes it feels like you are writing from inside my head.

    (hugs)

  2. Rachelle
    September 30, 2010 / 3:36 pm

    Call me honey. Let me know what is happening in your life. I care.

    Love Mom