Dear Cat,
Can you please write a post about masturbation for women? I’m 24 and I’ve never had an orgasm. My boyfriend thinks if I masturbate more, it could help, but I’ve never really been into the idea. Is he right?
Lexi
Dearest Lexi,
I’ve been poring through a sea of emails and have noticed two very cool things: my readers are obviously varied in age, and lots of women are asking me about masturbation. Full disclosure, the post below contains some affiliate links, so if you’re going to purchase any of the items mentioned, please use those links and help a sister out.
I think for many of us, early messages regarding self-pleasure are pretty negative. It’s possible that we got a lot of “don’t touch that” or “don’t do that” or worse, depending on the parents who raised us. My savvy parent friends now are using phrases like “that’s a nice thing to do, but it’s for when you are having private time alone.” These moments make my heart swell.
I believe that everyone should masturbate, and I would even go so far to say that if this is something you are new at, you should make it a daily practice in self-exploration. Maybe orgasm doesn’t need to be the end goal? Imagine if you just set aside some quiet time to get to know your body?
If feeling sexual or sexy challenges you, this is a great way to change the way you view yourself and your body. Once you get very familiar with how all of your equipment works, you’ll have more confidence in your sex life at large.
Betty Dodson is a personal hero, and she’s like the “grandmother of masturbation”. She’s dedicated her life to teaching women how to orgasm, and I’d say that’s a fairly noble cause.
Betty Dodson writes about first time orgasm here.
Lube is essential, especially if you’re new to orgasm. We need to keep lubed up in order to avoid chafing, and if you aren’t having any kind of partner sex, I think the oils that Betty recommends are fine. These will break condoms though, so please keep that in mind! I would recommend a water-based lubricant which is perhaps more versatile than oil. Silicone based lubes are also great, but should not be used with silicone toys, as they can break down the silicone these toys are made of.
Another thing I’ve observed is that sometimes trying to masturbate can put you under pressure, and frustration can build as your orgasm seems more and more evasive. It can take many women 15 to 20 minutes or more to reach climax, and because none of us are made the same, this will of course vary. A sexy, stimulating distraction or enhancement can make all the difference in heightening stimulation. The brain is a very powerful sex organ, and I’ve known lots of women who love to get off by stimulating themselves and reading erotica, or watching porn.
Be aware that ‘numbing out’ can lead to frustration. Numbing out is what happens if you’ve applied the same kind of stimulus to the same spot for so long that you start to lose feeling altogether. It’s an easy fix – change your speed, pressure,technique, and the location where you are directing the attention or pause for a moment until feeling starts to return.
I imagine this is a very different feeling for each of us, but I’ve always described an orgasm like a sneeze – you feel a building of pressure (the pre “achoo” feeling) and then a release which can either be like a burst of energy, or like free-falling backwards off a cliff into a pool of warm water. It’s possible to get close to orgasm and think that you’ve enjoyed the full experience, but there is a marked difference between the pleasure of pressure building and the immense pleasure of release.
I hope that helps answer some questions. Happy exploring ladies. Even if you’re enjoying regular sex with a partner, some good old fashioned self-love is always a beautiful thing.
