I see a path where I'm a lone wolf, only keeping company when mood and opportunity align. There's something deeply alluring about that path. And yet...I just can't stop chasing this notion that somewhere out there, a true Pegasus awaits.
“All you can take with you is that which you’ve given away.” – Peter Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life I’ve been thinking a lot about the year that’s about to begin. One of my great lessons from 2018 is that I can do very little to control how things will unfold in life, so it seems a bit silly to think of what kind of year I’d like to have in 2019. The other most powerful lesson from 2018 is how much I can influence the way I feel about whatever life throws. I can consciously choose where to focus…
I’m toasting these shadows, those ghosts of Christmas past, with almond eggnog and spiced rum, and I’m doing the best that I can. This holiday is bittersweet, but I’m pleased to tell you there is greater emphasis on the sweet. 2018 was a year of surprises, the greatest of which is how I have surprised myself. With my strength. With the depth of my love. With my fierce dedication to reaching for the beauty that exists in every frame. I want to turn all of this pain and transformation into something beautiful. I’ve had a week of self-imposed solitude and…
It’s not that I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t despair about the notion of getting old without a husband. I don’t worry that I’ll choke to death and nobody will come to my rescue. I don’t fret about my beauty shriveling up or my vitality fizzling out if I cloister myself for a while. It’s just that when it’s me and these four walls, the pain floods in. The wasted, reckless ruin of my love sits like a specter in the corner. Time can tick, death can loom, it’s the grief I can’t make peace with. I don’t want…
If you think that I’ve been quiet because I’ve fallen into a peacefully settled sort of happiness, you would be wrong. There is happiness, to be sure, and love and light, but peace and any sense of settling continue to elude me. In the 4 am hours when I spontaneously wake up each night, I wonder at this. I turn my life around and upside down over and over again. It’s been seven months. I should be in a much better place, shouldn’t I? Here’s a snippet of the inside of my head these days: I contemplate the constant hustle…
