The sun is determined to shine here today, even though the temperature has barely made the double digits. It’s not quite noon, I’m in sweatpants and my hair is still damp. I was hoping it would dry in pretty waves. Half my head cooperated, the other half decided a scraggly, limp situation was all it was going to manage. It’s Saturday, I understand the desire to phone it in.
Our restaurants, bars, public spaces, and theatres all continue to be shut down here in Southern Ontario. We seem to be failing at pandemic management, and I’m not going to start pointing fingers. The fact is, I don’t know enough to know how to do this right. I survived COVID, which for me was like a mild flu with about four days of rather intense body aches. The worst part was being separated from my kids while I quarantined.
This weirdo time is teaching me some things. I suppose I’m not special there. We’re all learning, I hope. The biggest lesson for me has been how much I need myself. How I need to be clear on what I want. That I can provide most of what I want on my own. Anyone else I invite in should also appreciate what I want. I need to be absolutely alone every now and then to be aware of what I actually feel.
There are a few big concepts I’ve been working on. Self-abandonment is one of them. It’s a buzzword, but it’s also something I’ve been guilty of my whole life. Human Design is another one (I’m a 6/2 Reflector, in case you’re into that sort of thing). Codependence and Ego. This is the cocktail I’ve been mixing on the daily to get through this pandemic. I need to garnish it with patience and a steady reminder to stay in the Feminine.
Be careful about how much I drink, attentive to how many herbs I’m using. I now realize I have to get my carbohydrate consumption in hand. Write every day, sit in intentional silence every day. Stretch and walk every day. I forget this, I feel awful, and then I adjust. Over and over and over.
I miss a few people. I’ve kept most of my core humans close, but there’s a handful of them who I’ve been thinking of: my troupe of Toronto peeps, that unassuming girl with the incredible voice and capacity for epic porch chats, the blue haired girl who felt like my little sister, the brash young mama who stole my heart by farting loudly and unapologetically while a bunch of us hung in her backyard shed, that sage who used to help me start my day with meditations and prayers, my sweet friend with the big heart and the woodlot getaway.
Dating has been largely unsuccessful, but I haven’t given up. I’ve connected with some people who I know are kind-hearted, but our lifestyles don’t really align. Others show promise, but not enough capacity to create space to connect. If there’s one piece of dating advice I could give, it’s work on yourself until you are in a space where you really, truly love being alone. It’s from this place that you’ll understand what you’d like in a romantic relationship.
I will never feel like I am chasing someone again.
Meanwhile, I know there’s someone out there who can appreciate being a parent, understands their own values, loves nature, has time and the desire to nurture a relationship, is a great cook, and can enjoy a bit of hedonism while still making their health a priority. I’ll tack on responsibility, emotional intelligence, and a strong sense of purpose.
I’ll never close my heart, but I can see now how full it is without anyone else occupying it. I know this theme is repetitive, but I also know that there are many of us who haven’t arrived at this yet. I just want you to know that you can get there.
And so, I’ll do a bit of housework now. I’ll dial up a cheery play list, and burn some juniper after everything is tidy and clean. I’ll cut the 6″ excess off those new wide-legged jeans and try to do something with this hair. I’ll venture to the grocery store and choose some wine and an exciting cheese and then have a visit with my crush from the bar I used to frequent. I’m excited about a conversation that doesn’t involve us shouting at each other over the noise.
Let’s all stop shouting at each other over the noise.