Cat Skinner Club

My Letter to Stay-at-Home Parents

Dear Parents Who Stay At Home,

I realized something this weekend. We need permission to just be parents. Stay-at-home parents need to know that the primary focus of their lives – giving care -is valued enough that it’s the only thing we need worry about.

I am ashamed to admit the amount of time I spend feeling guilty for not writing more, keeping house more, offering to cook more, and especially earning money.

This shame soup bubbles and simmers and boils a steam of resentment that envelops my day and changes the climate of my interactions with the children, which adds more stock to the shame pile.

We need to hear it’s okay if we can’t or won’t maintain a schedule, keep up work, stay on top of housekeeping, and cooking. With the exception of work, none of those things bring me much joy anyway. I’m at my happiest when I can be spontaneous and flexible and just hone in on what the kids need and want without all of those other distractions. We need that permission from ourselves, just as much as anyone else.

For the month of August, don’t expect much from me. I’m usually leaving my phone on silent, I’m only answering email when I feel like it, which is basically never, I’m reading real books – mostly about farm animals and colours. I’m trying new recipes in the kitchen with my loves. If I’m writing, it’s old school style with a pen and a notebook. I’ll post later, when I can. When I’m not too tired at the end of the day, or like now, when I’m pretending to be in the shower. If you want to see me, talk to me, date me you’re going to have to figure out a way to find child care and catch me at a moment where I have energy and brain space because my priority until September is squeezing in as much time with the kids before they all begin school outside of their home.

Are you staying at home full-time while your partner works to earn money? I’m going to start this week by letting you know that you are incredibly worthwhile. You are saving a bundle of dough and other important resources by providing impeccable and irreplaceable childcare for your own children. In fact, yours is the most important job in your household. Give yourself a huge pat on the ass, and spend what little break time you get doing only the things you want to do. Everything else can wait until September.

This includes vacuuming, dusting, and shaving your nether regions, which I hope don’t require vacuuming and dusting.

Kisses on your nose,

x

 

 

I Choose Khaleesi

I haven’t been online much lately because I’m trying to enjoy the summer and time with the family. As such, my inbox is filling with unread email, particularly posts from other blogs I follow. The other day I noticed a post with the heading “What Kind of Wife and Mother Do You Want to Be?” I thought about this for a while, and then it became obvious. I choose Khaleesi.

Before I go any further with this, you should know that I’m reading book two of A Song of Ice and Fire, and I’m caught up to the Game of Thrones series on HBO. In short, I don’t know how it ends, or what happens beyond the point I’ve reached on TV. Do not, under any circumstances, spoil this for me.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about – first, you’re missing out. Second, Khaleesi is a title bestowed to one of the characters in these books/TV show. Thus far, this character is on my top ten list of all time heroines. Why? Well, here’s a little Sunday morning list of the reasons, in no particular order, why Khaleesi is the type of wife and mother I want to be:

1. Soft Femininity 

Daenerys is a lady, or at least the kind of lady I imagine when someone describes a ‘lady’. She’s delicate, graceful, and feminine. I relate deeply to these so-called “traditional” qualities of femininity and believe firmly that they have a strength equal to more masculine traits.

2. Ferocity

Nobody gonna keep Khaleesi down. Dealt a brutal set of cards by the hands that wrought her, this gal keeps getting back up and killing it. It doesn’t hurt that she has a few lethal sidekicks, but she’ll even lay a beat down to them if they make the wrong move.

3. Grace 

I don’t mean the kind of grace that keeps her from bumping into doorways. I mean the kind that allows her to rule with compassion and listen to her heart. Whether she’s freeing slaves or banishing traitors, she’s always doing it with class.

4. Style

Khaleesi responds to the changing fashion demands of her quest by working the popular fashion trends to her advantage, with her own unique style. Baring breasts when required, rockin’ death bells in her killer braids, slapping on a bit of armour – I can’t wait to see what she’s wearing next.

5. Solitude 

This bad ass mother isn’t afraid to be alone. In fact, despite being constantly surrounded by people and servants, she seems to really grasp the fact that we come into and leave this coil all by ourselves. Her grasp of that concept really seems to help her appreciate the people she does have, who are loyal to her cause.

6. Smarts

Considering she’s been told what to do by her domineering older brother most of her life, Khaleesi seems to suffer no fools. She’ll ask for counsel when she needs it, but it’s crystal clear that all of her decisions are her own, and I usually want to applaud her brilliance. She seems to trust her intuition and her read of any given situation deeply. It must be nice to just feel that you’re making the right decision.

7. Family Values

All that Khaleesi does and has done is in the name of reclaiming her throne and restoring honour and glory to her family name. A lofty goal, and noble at that. Also, she’s fiercely protective of her children, who frankly don’t need her protection anymore. She wasn’t even tempted to sell them when offered scandalous sums of money in exchange for just one.

8. Sex Positivity

Upon realizing that she had limited knowledge of the ins and outs of bedroom activities, Khaleesi solicited the advice and tutoring of one of her trusted servant women. Oh to be a fly on the wall for those classes. She knew there was much happiness and power to be found in embracing and understanding her sexuality. Plus, who wouldn’t want to impress Khal Drogo with some mad bedroom skills?

9. Dragons

We all have ’em. Some of us were even lucky enough to be born in the year of the dragon. Khaleesi has dragons in the flesh, but all of us have an inner fire, bright as the brightest supernova burning deep inside of us. For most of us, great tragedy ignites the spark that really illuminates how much strength we truly have. I hope that’s not the case for you, but if it is, know that the light within you can shine through the darkest darkness. Especially if you can learn to keep your dragons close. Bad shit can happen if you let them get away from you.

10. Detachment

While not always a desirable quality, Khaleesi’s ability to transcend her emotional response and speak through difficult moments with clarity and composure is a skill I fear I may never master. If she’s throwing plates, she’s doing it in private. Would that I had such a switch to flick in certain moments.

Okay, now it’s your turn. Who are the famous wife and mother role models you most admire?

 

Class Dismissed

kidsfallpathweb

Some of you know us well enough to know that up until very recently, we were pretty die-hard city mice. One of the toughest parts of our decision to leave city life behind was leaving our beloved Waldorf school. Our whole family loved the place and I was so looking forward to sending Noah there too when the time was right.

We weren’t able to find any favorable alternatives to public school when we moved to the country in July of 2013. This is why we decided to home school our kids until a better solution presented itself, or until we were ready to travel the world as a family (our long-term dream). The role of teacher fell to me, while Nekky and Sarah both work at their own jobs full time. Fast forward eight months, and the time has come to assess where we are at with our plans and our goals. We aren’t ready to take on the world just yet, so what’s the plan for September?

I’ve really enjoyed our homeschool journey, and the freedom and flexibility it has offered us. However, there is so much that I can’t give the girls that they are missing out on. Trying to balance life, work, school, toddler-rearing, is truly exhausting, so I find myself just focusing on the basics in our classroom – covering the most rudimentary subjects, leaving little time for more creative pursuits or games. The girls get two lengthy outdoor recesses, and they are terrific playmates for one another, but it’s just not the same without classmates. They miss their peer group, and I miss the school community too. It was nice interacting with other humans each day, and I miss assemblies and parent nights.

Also, any parent knows that children behave much differently at home than they do when there is a teacher to impress, and classmates to surround them. Our girls are great, but managing their quirks and challenges became really taxing. I would never in a million years sign up to become a teacher in the conventional sense, I don’t have the patience to handle so many little personalities all at once. In fact, handling two is taking all the gumption I’ve got, and I adore those two people!

If we were travelling, if there were no other options to consider locally, I would continue on with homeschool in the fall, learning from the mistakes we made this year. We’d make sure there were extra curricular activities where we could make new friends, I’d change our scheduling to focus more on each girl for longer stretches, and I’d devote one day per week to games and creativity. I’d do a lot of things differently, but we found a very interesting school in town, and so we’re going to give it a shot in the fall.

These days, homeschooling is bitter sweet. I know the end is in sight, for now anyway, so I’m trying to really enjoy the time we have, and I’m trying to relax more and make sure the girls enjoy each day. Part of me is also looking ahead to a life where my focus shifts again to other work, and finally an opportunity to focus on my writing in a fresh new way. There are lots of things unfolding here, and it feels right on so many levels.

This time with my children has been beautiful, and so valuable – as challenging as it has been rewarding. I’m so grateful that we tried this, and I hope that the next time we open the books on homeschooling, we’re living on a beach in Thailand.

Don’t be afraid to deviate from what you thought was the best plan. We’re meant to bend and stretch and grow, and something better always lies around the bend.

A Tuesday Anthem

My chalkboard drawing of Brigid

My chalkboard drawing of Brigid

Hello out there.

I’ve spent the better part of today steam cleaning a vomit swamp out of the broad loom in my daughters’ bedroom, and three of the six of us have fallen victim to some mysterious projectile-puke inducing evil.

I was going to write something pithy for you today, but when I finally sat down to crack open the computer, little Noodle crawled up into my lap, fished out a boob and passed out cold, thereby trapping me where I was until he reached a state of deep sleep. I sat there, staring out the back patio door at my field and my forest, feeling amused at the realities of parenthood, and a little wistful for the time I used to traipse through High Park and my Roncesvalles neighbourhood yearning for a family of my own.

My Patrick Watson-inspired Pandora playlist spun up a tune by Mumford and Sons that I hadn’t really listened to. I’m making it my new anthem, the timing and the message were so perfect. I was suddenly able to smell spring in the fresh air wafting down the stairs from the girls’ room. Here’s the song, live, followed by the lyrics. Here’s hoping you have a vomit-free day, and that you can catch the scent of spring on the breeze, wherever you are.

Awake My Soul – Mumford and Sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we’ll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I’ll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har
har har, har har

awake my soul…
awake my soul…

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
Har har, har har
har har, har har

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life

awake my soul…
awake my soul…
awake my soul…
For you were made to meet your maker

awake my soul…
awake my soul…
awake my soul…
For you were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

Last Week in Links

Photo by Gordon Parks

Photo by Gordon Parks

First Kisses, Beautiful Ladies, Heart-Wrenching Tributes and Happy Families

Happy Monday, Lovers! And Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of my Irish friends, especially my LBGTQ Irish pals.

I’m coming down off the high of what I’m calling ‘Toddlerpalooza”. Two of our favourite families joined us for a weekend of boisterous little-boy fun. It’s also been a slow start back to school (homeschool, that is) post March Break.

My week is shaped by many variables, but here are the online snippets that spoke loudest to me last week. Grab a whiskey or a gay-friendly beer and enjoy!

First Kiss by Tatia Pilieva

If you missed this video last week, please do watch it. In fact, if you watched and enjoyed it as much as I did, please watch it again. It’s inspired plenty of parodies, and some controversy when people realized it was an ad for an indie clothing company. This video features the first kiss between various strangers, and I don’t care if these people were models or actors, even when you’re on set kissing someone for the very first time is nerve-wracking and delightfully awkward. This video is beautiful, and funny, and really, really, really sexy. Here it is, and I’ve included a link below with a great post from the filmmaker who created the piece, explaining her inspiration and defining the project.

FIRST KISS from Tatia Pilieva on Vimeo.

Here are Tatia’s words on this piece from Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tatia-pilieva/the-story-behind-first-ki_b_4980015.html 

 

Gordon Parks’ Showgirls at Work and Play

This Life gallery from a 1958 edition of the magazine was sent to me by my dear friend Josh. It’s eye-candy of the most exquisite and decadent variety, and captures just the kind of behind-the-scenes magic that I will miss when I retire from show biz.

http://life.time.com/culture/showgirls-gordon-parks-color-photos-new-york-nightclubs-1958/#1

 

Just When You Thought You Were Over Deadwood

I’ve tried for years to make peace with the fact that Deadwood, the mind-blowingly fantastic HBO series, was gone and would never return. Nothing I have seen in the world of television can touch this show, which is why I’m usually just fine to go without TV. I thought the hole in my heart had been filled with books, and more time for knitting, when along came this tribute from New York magazine’s TV critic Matt Zoller Seitz, which has made me want to sit down and watch the entire series for a fourth time. His compelling video essay can be found in this great write up Roger Ebert:

http://www.rogerebert.com/mzs/a-lie-agreed-upon-david-milchs-deadwood

A LIE AGREED UPON: DAVID MILCH’S DEADWOOD from RogerEbert.com on Vimeo.

 

News on the Family Front

I saw this next video posted on Facebook, and I thought the timing was uncanny. When asked why we went public with the story of our non-conventional family, my partners and I came up with the perfect response. It’s simple – we think everyone with love in their hearts and the ability to create a loving home should be able to have a family. I don’t know if the people at Honey Maid care as much about family rights. Maybe they just realize what a wealthy demographic gay families are, unlike some idiot Arizona law-makers. At any rate, enjoy this touching commercial, and some witty remarks from Slate:

http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2014/03/11/gay_family_in_commercial_this_ad_with_gay_dads_is_intensely_moving.html

 

We’re Not Brave, These People Are

Our community of family and friends, and even a few kind strangers congratulated us on our bravery for coming out publicly. I don’t think we’re even a bit as brave as these incredible young parents. Heather Walker was outraged when photos of her son Grayson James were pulled down from Facebook because they were ‘offensive’. Her little boy was born with a severe deformity, where he was missing part of his skull, and his mamma shared photos of him without his tiny little cap on. She and her husband knew that when their baby was born, they would only have moments to enjoy him, and that he was not going to survive. Still, they cherished and loved him, and then had the courage to create this incredible tribute video of his few precious hours of life. We should all cherish each moment of our precious lives, and our precious families. I hope this will inspire you the way it inspired me. I think these parents are heros because they faced such a devastating tragedy with so much grace and love.

This video is highly emotional, so kindly be your own judge about whether or not you’d like to view it.

Sending you all light and love, and wishes for a beautiful week ahead.