Sibling Bonds, Spidey Senses and Mortality

kyleandnoah

I have a younger brother who is a 6’7 local celebrity in Hamilton both for his larger-than-life personality, and for his leonine honour. Like me, he’s a leo, and like me he thinks he’s fabulous. I hope his fans agree.

We haven’t always gotten along. As children, we became bitter rivals when we were pitted against each other by our Nanna, my third parent who lived with us. Things got ugly, as they do with siblings, and I regret not being a more supportive and loving sister during those formative years. As I recall, I was a heinous bitch. There may even have been a near-stabbing, but I digress.

My brother and I are very good friends now. In this not-so-subtle open letter, I will tell him I want to see him more often, and I will tell him I’d like him to see my kids more often. He’s usually one of the first people I consult about new business, new ideas, and personal dilemmas.  I think I can say with confidence that he does the same with me.

Up until a week ago, my brother was ensconced in a five-year mostly on-again relationship with a woman who we were quite smitten with. I was waiting for a big announcement of one kind or another after they recently shacked up. At the time of this blog post, after my senses began to tingle (thanks to good ‘ole Facebook) and after my brother got curious, he is now a single man again.

We (the fam) were collectively surprised, saddened, and not surprised at all. Relationships, and people I guess, are funny that way. I promised Kyle I wouldn’t blog about this, but here I am. Gotta say my piece, and in a public forum no less. Please be advised, this piece is from my heart, with lots of love to ALL parties involved.

My brother isn’t perfect, and having lived with him myself, I know he’s not always easy. My own truly unique and often complicated domestic situation (see here for details, and yes that’s my boob) puts me in a position where I’m the last person on earth to judge anyone else’s romantic landscape. I felt real love for my brother’s now-ex, and I guess even now I can say that love is a battlefield, so if they ever wanted a clean slate, I’d try to clear my own slate dedicated to their relationship – if anyone gives a shit about what I think.

I just wish that people would leave the lying and hurting to the assholes that make news headlines. Evil bastards who completely fucking ruin my Monday morning, like these ones. The universe has enough cruelty in it, by its very fickle nature, and we don’t need to add to the dung heap by behaving badly.

I’ve done stupid shit to really hurt people who I truly love (Sarah, I’m looking at you here.) In cowardice and fear, when I couldn’t see a way to make all of the pieces fit together, I tried to tear apart my family with my pettiness and self-loathing. Thank fucking god for whichever forces aligned to prevent that from happening, because I went on to birth my son, and my eyes were opened.

Not everyone will get the chance to let an infant soul teach them about the true meaning of love, so we gotta pull up our socks sometimes and take the higher road, even if it’s scary. I should have walked away, admitting that I had no clue how to love my partners well, rather than act like a selfish cow. I should have headed straight to the therapists’ couch when shit got really complicated and faced whichever path presented itself with clarity and honesty.

We were lucky that we kept our family intact. We still carry the wounds of our selfishness, our fear, our lack of clarity, and our inability to speak our truths, but I think I can speak for all three of us when I say we are committed to working to heal those wounds each day, with each beautiful clean slate we get as we wake.

Love each other people, even if you can’t be in love anymore. Share your truth, your fear, your hurt. Make your mistakes meaningful. Learn from them, grow from them together or apart.

Our tiny light could be snuffed at any second. That is the only thing you can really count on. I’m thinking you’re gonna want to make sure your light is shining, and when it’s dim, it’s yours to re-kindle in whichever way you see fit.

More on the random cruelty of the universe, and a call to action for you my dear friends, in tomorrow’s post.

Failing Forward

Mimi

Darlings, I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend!

On Thursday while I was hiding away having a work day I discovered something exciting. My friend and a hugely inspirational woman in my life, Rebecca Northan has a Ted Talk! Rebecca is an immensely talented artist – her specialty is improvisational theatre. I had the pleasure of meeting her in 2007 when Les Coquettes were invited to be part of the magic of The Spiegel Show. Rebecca created a turn for that show called ‘Blind Date’ and that turn grew into her sensational theatrical production.

The premise of ‘Blind Date’ is that Rebecca’s character, Mimi (an adorable French Clown) has been stood up on a blind date. In order to save her evening from total ruin, she selects a completely unsuspecting gentleman from the audience to be her date. The entire performance is improvised, and if you ever have the chance to see this show, I highly recommend it. Something really magical and truly hilarious happens every single time. You can imagine how the story twists and turns depending on the guy she chooses. She’s an absolute master of improv, and a sensational performer.

Rebecca’s Ted Talk is all about how the skills she’s mastered as an improvisational performer are the natural characteristics can be applied to real life, and she has a really moving epiphany that she shares. I watched the talk first delighted by her slightly nervous banter, and impressed by the amazing outfit she put together, and then she blew my mind with her total openness and vulnerability.

SHE IS JUST LIKE ME WHEN SHE IS SCARED!  This amazed me, and so when she admitted each of her self-protective maneuvers I was riveted, and when she arrived at her epiphany, I was deeply touched, particularly about what she says about sharing with your partner.

Oh Rebecca, I hope you know how amazing and wonderful you are! And dear readers, I truly hope you enjoy this beautiful Ted Talk!

Ask Playboy Mommy

Tug of War www.paulvanginkel.com

Tug of War www.paulvanginkel.com

Dear Mommy,

I’m in a fairly new polyamorous relationship with my husband and my lesbian partner. Do you have couples nights? I feel like I am walking a tight rope trying to keep both partners happy and if one of them isn’t annoyed with me the other one is! I had an emotional meltdown the other night and really hope you can help.

Sincerely,

M

Dearest M,

I remember the early days of my relationship with my partners. We were all so excited and fond of each other that none of us wanted to impose any formal rules, and boundaries felt like a rude barrier to our organic love fest. We wanted things to flow freely, but instead we created was a shit storm of weird feelings and jealousy that haunts us all to this day.

Make no mistake; turning the conventional relationship model on its ear will challenge the nerves of even the steeliest soul. We are doing everything differently than the relationship models we grew up with. I don’t think this means we shouldn’t challenge convention to make our lives richer, but I do think it means we ought to be realistic about what we expect of each other and ourselves.

At some point in a polyamorous relationship, everyone is going to feel jealous. Anyone who tells you they haven’t felt that way is lying to you. We are conditioned to feel jealousy from our very early days in our culture that constantly encourages us to focus on what we don’t have. The media perpetually reminds us that we aren’t enough. Throw the dynamics of your family of origin into that special sauce and we are easily turned into green-eyed monsters. Jealousy will happen. Be patient and forgiving with yourself and your lovers. Let those jealous feelings come, but don’t wallow in them. When you feel them, find something you love to do and do it immediately. Force yourself to reflect on all of the abundance in your life; after all you have TWO people who adore you! You must be awesome. (Do share that idea with your partners too so they don’t have to feel bad about jealousy).

Your relationship with everyone in your life will only be as healthy as your relationship with yourself. This is why I’m a huge proponent of therapy, which is a long process, but the best gift you’ll ever give yourself. There are also some practical measures you can implement to help your poly life flow smoothly.

Make a Schedule

Divide the week like this; time for your man, time for your lady, time for yourself, time for the grown ups, time for the whole family. Before you panic at how insane that seems consider this sample schedule:

Alternate your nights between your two partners. On these nights, you can enjoy a date night out when your budget permits. One of the best things about poly life is that if one pair wants some time out, there’s always a great sitter! Spontaneity comes with what you decide to do with your alone time with your partner.

If possible, and if your space permits, spend at least one night a week on your own. If you can’t spend a night sleeping on your own, make absolutely sure you are carving out time to just have some alone space. If you can afford the space in your home, each adult should have just a little nook to call his or her own.

Spend some time in the evenings with both of your partners doing the things you enjoy, even things as simple as vegging out with your favourite TV show. Encourage your partners to spend time together without you there so they can get to know each other better. Reserve one day on the weekend for family day and chose simple, fun activities to enjoy together. If you have kids, family day should be focused around them and their needs. Keep family ties strong by insisting on family dinners all together, and bed time story and tuck in (if you have kids) with all three partners.

Tend Your Relationships

All of your relationships need tending, and if you haven’t done the math, here’s a breakdown of your relationships and the hierarchy they should be in:

1. Your relationship to yourself  – This one is the most important! You must take care of yourself first, and really understand your own needs and wants. Take care of your heart, your mind, and your body so that you will be a well-oiled love machine.

2. Your relationship to your children. If you have kids, they come next. Some would argue that the adult relationships come first, but I think that’s bullshit. Our kids rely on us wholly, so we owe it to them to be as close to the top of the ladder as possible.

3. Your partners’ relationship to your children. This needs to be strong if your poly family is all under one roof. Some poly parents keep their adult relationships at a distance from their kids, but if you are aiming to be one big happy poly family (like us) you must make sure your partners are getting their own quality time with the kids, and that you’re helping to strengthen their relationships with your support.

4 (a & b) Your relationship to each of your partners. You signed up to love more than one person, so you need to make sure you’re doing that in a fair, balanced way. Be careful not to get too caught up in the glow of a new relationship and thereby neglect your more mature relationship with your first partner. One of those relationships may feel like more work than the other, but I promise you that balance will shift back and forth, so you need to make sure you’re tending both.

5. Your partners’ relationship to each other. True, it’s not your responsibility to manage your partners’ relationship with one another, but it is important that you are clear about how important their good relationship is to you. Remind them that you want them to enjoy each other’s company, buy them tickets to a movie or a game, offer to sit back while they go out and hang on a patio. Make sure they know that you want them both to get along. Don’t get in the middle of things if they don’t get along from time-to-time. This will give you ulcers and/or make you bald. Ask Daddy about that one. All you can do is be an ear, and let them know how you feel about their actions/words/behavior.

Be Okay with Being Selfish

Remember how hard it was to learn to appreciate each other’s needs when you were in the early stages with your first partner? Maybe you haven’t even really figured that out yet. Well, now you’re adding layer upon layer of complexity!

Nobody is going to know what you need and want unless you are comfortable asking for those things. You won’t be comfortable asking for anything until you are spending quality time understanding your own needs. You must not be afraid to speak your mind and ask for what you want, even if those needs and wants are really scary.

The three of us made the mistake of not clearly defining and expressing our needs and it led to huge, devastating imbalance in our lives. We aren’t always able to meet each other’s needs, but at least if we know what they are, we can work towards compromise and harmony.

Make Time to Talk

You need one-on-one time to talk with your partners about your relationships, but you also need to create safe emotional space where the three of you can talk with each other about these needs. Beware the mistake of trying to ‘shelter’ the other person from anything you deem threatening or negative. I think most of us would really just address any elephants who may wander into the bedroom rather than dance around them. They will stomp on your head if you try to ignore them.

Good luck with the adventures ahead, and thanks for reaching out. I hope I’ve helped, and I hope you can carve out some quality time where you can focus on all of the loves of your life, including you!

Kisses on your nose,

 

Playboy Mommy


Ask Mommy

Paris-Café-19224

Dear Mommy,

I have two unrelated questions I have often wondered, so I figure I might as well ask:

1. Was Paris worth it? I get why the urge would be there considering how  uprooted you were at the time. Was it a ‘I found myself’ trip that you are really truly glad you took? worth the debt? Or, now seeing how awesome your life turned out, would you have been better off saving the money? Just curious in hind-sight how you view that trip.

2. How did you meet your family? I’m not asking to be nosy. We are poly & the poly groups we found were kind of meat-markety, same with online groups. Although there was a lot of relationship seeking, it seemed to be a more sexually charged energy than we were hoping. For us, we figure one day maybe something organic will develop through synchronicity. Its so rare to meet another poly family, so when I do, I’m always curious to hear how they met. Love stories we can relate to are always inspiring to hear.

Signed,

DA

 

Howdy DA,

Thanks for asking such interesting questions!

1.) I first began this blog just before I ran away to Paris. I had just ended a torrid four-year on-again-off-again relationship and I found myself completely uprooted, as you say. (Readers, you can catch up on that adventure starting with this post.) I had barely any savings at the time, so I put the entire trip on a credit card. This isn’t the most responsible way to indulge in travel, to be sure. I have absolutely no regrets about Paris. Visiting the City of Lights was a life-long dream. A ‘bucket list’ item if you will. Even though I’ve since found such happiness with my wonderful family, I’m still very glad I took the trip. It was a trip that was best taken solo because nobody would have drank in the city the same way, and I think it was very important for me to see how much adventure and risk I was capable of on my own steam. Paris was totally one of those experiences where I often think “If I could do that, I can do anything.” In future, I’d definitely recommend a travel savings account, but I’m a big believer in fulfilling as many of our own dreams as we can when opportunity arises or when we can create opportunity. We really don’t know how much time we have to write our stories, do we?

 

2.) For those of you who are brand new to this blog, I’m in a committed domestic partnership with two people. Essentially, I have both a husband and a wife, and we are raising our three kids together. Our two eldest daughters are from my partners’ existing relationship, and our newest addition was my biological contribution to our motley crew. If you had told me five years ago when I started this blog that my search for the love and the family I yearned for would end in polyamorous (multiple loves) life, I think I would have laughed at you. It was definitely not something I was looking for.

I met my two partners on the patio of the Cadillac Lounge on the last day of the very first annual Toronto Burlesque Festival. My theatre company was performing in the Tiki Brunch, and I was one of the festival organizers that year. My business partner had cast a new gal (Charity Dawn, for those of you who are fans) and I had never met her, but we had many mutual friends, and a big group of them came to see her (get naked) perform. Nekky and Sarah were in that group. After the show we all stayed and ate and drank for a very, very, very long time. Nekky began to show boat by ordering copious amounts of everything for the table. I thought they were interesting people, but I frankly thought that Nekky was a show off. Ha!

After that epic first encounter, Nekky and Sarah began to turn up at all of our social functions, and the more time we spent together, the more I realized how much we had in common. It was when I first went to their home and met their daughters that I really started to fall in love with their family. I had never met such bright, beautiful, engaged children. Talking and playing with the girls was more interesting than most interactions I had with adults!

We began to spend a lot of time together, and N & S witnessed so many of my failed attempts at finding love, which we used to commiserate about. They knew how badly I wanted a family of my own, and how loud my clock was ticking. The two of them even went so far as to set me up with a good friend from university, with whom I was really smitten. I think one of my great dating failures was my enthusiasm, and I think I scared him off. I was terrible about putting the cart waaay before the horse, and I’d get so excited before really getting to know the people I was dating.

Finally, as I was crying into a cocktail over the latest dating disaster (and trust me, there were a lot of cocktails at that time) Sarah said “Why don’t you just marry us?”. At this point, I will admit that the three of us had definitely begun some (largely cocktail fueled) experimenting that certainly went beyond the traditional definitions of friendship. It was great fun, but nothing I’d considered seriously because, well, because I don’t think many of us would consider a husband and wife team as a serious dating prospect!

When Sarah said those words, some chord was struck deep inside me. All of my attempts at serious relationships were brought into sharp focus, and I realized that joining this family, however unconventional, could be exactly the missing link that would turn the traditional relationship model on it’s ear and make long-term commitment more appealing and less confining for me. Who would ever get bored with both a husband AND a wife?

The deciding factor in pursuing a relationship with Nekky and Sarah wasn’t how it would affect me socially, or how it might impact our extended families. I didn’t worry about how we would affect the children because I knew we were all amazing parents, and would always put their interests first. I didn’t even stop to consider legal  implications (at the time we formed our relationship, living conjugally with more than one person in Canada was illegal. Since then, a B.C. judge ruled that cohabiting with more than one conjugal partner was not in violation of the law, but taking any steps to make that union official can still result in prosecution. This includes having an officiant perform any kind of union ceremony.) I was mostly concerned about being able to have my own biological children some day.

Sarah was unhesitatingly into the idea of another baby, particularly one she didn’t have to birth. Nekky took way, way more convincing, but he eventually came around. Once he said that he would work towards reaching a place where having another baby was an emotional possibility, I made the decision to stop seeing other people. The rest is a complex and rich bit of history, but you’ll have to wait for the book.

I didn’t know much about polyamory before this relationship, and since then, we haven’t found any other families who are poly that we really can relate to. I would agree that any  poly groups we’ve found online seem disorganized and quite sexually charged. The three of us have our hands full, and aren’t looking for any additional partners, just some other families who share our unique perspective.

I have a lot of advice for anyone considering such a relationship model, and I’m happy to answer questions here as best I can, in the hopes that I can help others. Thanks for taking the leap and sending your note, and best of luck in your search. I hope you and your partner find worthy others you can share yourselves with.

Kisses on your nose,

Playboy Mommy

Goodbye City House

Baby Smiling

The Noodle will soon have a new sofa
to play on.

 

On Tuesday evening I drove away from our Toronto home for the last time. I peered over the tower of laundry that kept Noodle and I company in the back seat and felt such a strange mixture of wistfulness and excitement. The city will always be in my blood, but I’m excited to leave it and move on to new and exciting things.

Our house on Bedford Road was the first home the three of us shared together. (Click here if you require an explanation for ‘the three of us’.) We’ve had our share of fond memories in this house, but we’ve also had a great deal of sorrow. It isn’t easy to reinvent the wheel, and we’ve had to learn a lot of things the hard way. Hearts have been badly broken in that house, and the repair continues to this day.

Our little girls went on to their new country home on Sunday with their grandparents, but before we said goodbye, we lit a small candle in the centre of our living room and made a little circle. We all held hands and encouraged the girls to share some happy memories of their home, and had them say a final goodbye. It was very sweet – all of their memories are wonderful ones – and they got a little choked up. I think they were mostly interested in seeing which of the grown ups would cry first. Of course it was me.

I felt bittersweet. Happy that so many of their memories were precious, and sad that my own experience of our home was double-edged. Each configuration of our adult relationships has dissolved at one point under that roof, and not all of those relationships have been restored in the same way.

I can say with confidence that all of our grown up relationships are better than they have ever been. I can say that we have created much more emotional safety and security for all of us. It’s no secret that this path has been hard, and heart wrenching. I think the key reason for our struggle was lack of knowledge. Even with a few clever books, we didn’t really have a roadmap, and the best road map in the world is useless if you don’t know yourself.

Therapy and determination are the only reasons why my family is together today, and stronger than ever. Even in the midst of the darkest hours of chaos and pain, I could feel in my soul that our paths were meant to be together, and I think I must have shared that feeling because here we all are. Without the guidance of our wonderful therapist, I don’t think I ever would have found the courage to fight for what I wanted, which was our family, together.

I’m not so very religious anymore, but the way our relationship has persisted against all odds has taught me a kind of faith that is greater to me than the faith of religion. It’s a devotion that is tangible and real, something I can see and feel every day in the smiles of our children and the warmth of our home, wherever it may be.

251 Bedford Road is growing mushrooms in the basement. Our old house grew a baby in my belly. The bricks and mortar sheltered Hannu and Aylu as they grew several inches and many miles in maturity. Our city house at the corner of a busy street grew our three souls into three separate worlds that unite beautifully and peacefully shelter their own stratosphere. These worlds continue to revolve, and we pilgrims continue to discover the richness of our strange and wonderful shores.

Thank you city for starting me out on this amazing journey.