every morning i walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
car-parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever i find lying around
it’s become a habit
to start the day
i go through this
before you wake up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you
This struck me last night.
Sometimes I have these little destructive moments that I think I direct at my male partner. I’m sometimes aggressive without cause, or I feel the need to challenge him unnecessarily. Each time this happens he meets me with a steady gaze, and with total calm and so much patience.
I’m tossing these things off the edge, because the cliff we live on is so high, and the possibility for disaster is so great. In the past, I’ve come close to slipping and crashing on the rocks below. Sometimes I’ve been shoved off, only to land in pieces at the bottom.
He seems to understand that this exercise is like a small sacrifice. Each meaningless thing I toss out to bounce lifeless against the rocks means that one more bit of clutter or garbage is gone from our landscape.
This is how I’m learning to trust again, and there’s barely anything left to pitch. Perhaps next I will fold some paper airplanes to watch them float gracefully down, and watch as the wind takes them away.