Why I Hate Chris De Burgh

The other day, “The Lady in Red” came up on a random list of tunes on our Apple TV.

This song always makes me nauseous.

When I was eight, I began to wear glasses, and life changed radically. I believe that my new four-eyed state became the excuse that the other kids needed to make fun of me. It was the perfect explanation for my funny big words, my weirdo imagination, and my incredible advocacy for the underdog. I was a nerd, a geek, and a goof, and now the glasses were the evidence my classmates were looking for.

My self-esteem changed radically, and I discovered a whole new level of self-consciousness. I HATED my glasses and this feeling has carried over into my adult life.

In my first year of high school, I finally worked up the nerve to go to the Christmas dance after skipping the other two that came before. I decided to be festive and wear a red velvet tunic, black tights, and the pointiest shoes that I owned. I teased my bangs into the most brilliant peacock I could manage, and of course wore my glasses. My stupid, red, Sally Jessie Rafael glasses, which by the way, those goddamned hipsters have brought back into fashion.

I hung out awkwardly with my small group of friends, and during a pit stop in the cafeteria to use the bathrooms, the football coach, Mr. Bullard, approached me.

“Hey, what’s your name?” he asked. He was my gym teacher, and should have known my name.

“Um, Schnoo.” I replied.

“Schnoo” he said “I need your help. We’ve told Mario* that he has a secret admirer here, and that she is going to reveal herself to dance with him for a special song, and I need you to be that girl.”

I was confused, and skeptical, but I went along with this. Mario was the quarterback who I had a fairly huge crush on, and I figured this might be the only way I would ever get to dance with him.

Fast forward to later that evening. I hadn’t danced with anyone all night long. Then, suddenly, Chris De Burgh’s “Lady in Red” comes on. Bullard is there, tapping me on the shoulder. He says “This is it.”

The D.J. announces “Mario, this song goes out to you from your secret admirer.”

I walk tentatively to the crowd of jocks that Mario is in the centre of. I ask him to dance. He turns crimson, and all the other dudes start smirking. One of them is already doubled over. He reluctantly accepts, and we start to dance.

Missing the point entirely, I’m actually enjoying this. He smells so nice, and he’s so handsome, and just for a moment I allow myself to pretend…then I feel hundreds of eyes on me. I look up and the ENTIRE football team and ALL of their pretty, perky girlfriends are laughing. Laughing at Mario. Laughing at me. I realize then that I AM the joke. Mr. Bullard picked the dorkiest “Lady in Red” he could find to round out their stupid prank, and god only knows what kind of fabricated love notes came before this moment.

I die a little inside, but I carry on until the end of the song. Mario (dick head) starts hamming it up for his pals. He’s stroking my hair, and dipping and twirling me. My 14-year-old brain decides to see this through because it might be my only opportunity to ever dance with a boy so handsome. And popular. When the song ends, he makes a big show of bowing to me and all his friends crack up again.

After that, I call my mom for a ride home. I pass Mr. Bullard in the hallway. All the other kids love him. He’s so funny, and he really “gets it”. I decide that he too must have been a big dork in high school and is making up for lost time now that he’s finally in charge of all the jocks. I hate him. This doesn’t change over the next four years.

It’s a long time before I go to another school dance. The next one I appear at, I FINALLY have my long-awaited contact lenses. I have an ok time. I’m still an outsider. I’m still not one of the popular kids, but I don’t want to be anymore. I’ve carved out my own world with the drama geeks. I still don’t dance with anyone, as I recall, until the very last song, which is always the same song – “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin. I feel someone tap me on the shoulder and I turn around. It’s Eric, the Asian boy with Down’s Syndrome. He wants to take me for a spin. I glare at the jocks, who are all staring and guffawing, take him by the hand, lead him to the dance floor and endure his teenage hard-on for the entire eight minute tune. I do this because I know what it’s like to be different, and how much it sucks to be laughed at for that.

Then, I decide to never go to another school dance again.

This lasts until graduation, when my seventeen year old self decides to bring my 24-year-old local indie rock-star boyfriend as my date. Three people ask me if he is actually my uncle, and he hits on every girl he gets the chance to talk to, and one or two of the boys.

I hated high school, and I hate Chris De Burgh, but whenever I hear “Stairway to Heaven” I think of Eric and I wonder what he’s doing now.

*Mario may not have been the name of this quarterback but at a Catholic High School in Stoney Creek, it’s a pretty safe bet.





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  1. Mom
    November 19, 2009 / 10:35 pm

    EAT YOUR HEART OUT MARIO’s of the world. If you could see her now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. em, the sanford variety
    November 26, 2009 / 7:57 pm

    i love love love love love you. i had the same glasses and was the same dorky awkward earnest girl… thank goodness gracious for highschool graduation and the exodus that begins our lives as blossoming individuals! and as for your mario (and my colin, david, michael, tony, and murray), they can have their premature prime and peak!

  3. nnnnnn
    December 28, 2009 / 3:34 am

    I feel sad reading this. Hope you get over it though 🙂

  4. December 28, 2009 / 4:44 am

    I am really enjoying reading your well written articles. It looks like you spend a lot of effort and time on your blog. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work!

  5. December 28, 2009 / 5:42 pm

    That is some inspirational stuff. Never knew that opinions could be this varied. Thanks for all the enthusiasm to offer such helpful information here.

  6. ursamaj1
    January 9, 2010 / 11:59 am

    You were & are actually a very beautiful girl. I don’t understand why you were considered gawky. I was a 5 foot 9 inch athletic “stick” with severe acne & had what I thought was the biggest nose in the world. Only my stubborn optimism & innate talents got me through. I decorated & helped organize my final prom & never got to go [no date].
    What that Ass##– Bullard did to you was unconscienable, immature and so unprofessional. He should be ashamed . He is NO coach or role model. He will reap what he sowed , believe me. The entire staff probably knew he was a JERK! But to destroy a teen’s hope & joy through such a mean-spirited kids’ prank to team build is stupid. How do idiots like this get a college degree & get to teach & influence young people? Too bad you never went to a guidance counsellor & confided your horrendous loss. He would have been reprimanded by the staff.
    Young people are so fragile. Imagine what it’s like today for teens in this day & age? I’d never want to revisit adolescence.

  7. ursamaj1
    January 9, 2010 / 12:06 pm

    Those Mario”s are probably couch potato slobs with huge guts
    uttering single syllable “Dahs” in front of the boob tube while watching games in a blank beer- driven daze .

  8. January 11, 2010 / 12:53 am

    exemplary work. You have gained a new fan. I hope you keep up the good work and I look forward to more of the interesting posts.