Wrathful and Peaceful Offerings

Yamantaka Ekavira, Solitary Hero

Yamantaka Ekavira, Solitary Hero

July 13, 11:15 pm

I’m whispering into your ear. Can you hear me?

Tonight I’m actually nodding off as I’m typing these words, but I wanted to let my fingers dance here, because I’m feeling very strange, and I’m hoping the exercise will help exorcise the real matter at hand.

Distance. I’m thinking about distance, and how it has saved me time and again in the last year. I put miles between myself and a horrible breakup by running away to Paris. I’ve kept so many people at arm’s length to avoid getting too close. I’ve locked myself away in a fortress of my own creation. I’ve been “too busy” on more occasions than I care to count. It is with certain clarity that I understand how easy it would be to just run away from this life and live like a gypsy for a while. Had I been presented with the opportunity, I would have run.

But instead, I literally built up my own life from a pile of debris. I watched things take shape slowly, and as I look around at all the repairs left to be made, and odd jobs left to be done, I realize there are some that I can do myself (the painting for example) but there are some that I’ve left deliberately for someone else.

My dog shifts on the sofa at my side and nestles his warm head into my thigh, sighing mightily in his slumber. I envy him so much sometimes.

Excitement is not coming to me easily these days. I am watching my life from afar, and it may be partially due to the cold meds. The rest of it is the strangest sense of detachment, and displacement.

Yep…going to have to sleep now. I’ll finish this one up in the morning…

July 14th, 9:45 pm

It’s not the morning…

Sleep went very well until about 4:00 am when my drunken neighbour came home and made a ruckus. Still, I feel a bit more alert this evening.

Alert, but still just a little off. I feel like I’m drifting through my days, and each one is melting into the next. I’m a helium balloon, with the finest string keeping me tethered, when all I really want to do is drift up, up, and away.

My spidey senses are tingling, too.

All of this to say that The Fortress feels like the best place for me to be right now, and Arthur is perfect company. I cannot surrender myself to anything but my profound need to hold myself very close, and very tight.

I never, ever, ever thought I would feel like this.





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  1. deb
    July 15, 2009 / 12:48 am

    Thank you so much for your writings/musings…so thoughtfully and beautifully written. I often find (and this latest is no exception) that something in me resonates so well with what you’ve written! I, too have been building a fortress lately, and I, too, feel like i’m watching my life from afar — but i had not been able to really find words to name it. So thank you for this gift.

  2. Daniel
    July 15, 2009 / 9:33 pm

    I am curious about your picture selection of Yamantaka “Lord of Death”. Could you tell why it spoke to you? This Yidam/Deity has quite the potent meaning, but I’m not sure how it connects to your writing.

    Simply put, it ends rebirth into the lower realms, described in Buddhism. It is wrathful because the energy used to cut off your attachment to samsara needs to be swift and dramatic. In the Tibetan Book of the Dead, this Deity resides in the heart (or just below it?) chakra. It marks a point of exit, judgment on karma, and your reaction towards its energy determines your future, to be simplistic.

    So, I find it very interesting that you should be attracted to this representation at this point. Very positive me thinks!

  3. Schnoo
    July 15, 2009 / 11:49 pm

    Hmmm…that’s a good question, as I am not a Buddhist.

    When I write here, I usually pick a word that sums up the emotion attached to the entry, and then do a Google image search to find the art work to go with the posting.

    For this one, I searched for “solitary”, and Yamantaka came with the caption “solitary hero” which made me smile. Death is only final in certain theologies, and I like to think that it is a passage towards rebirth, which of course has been a powerful theme for me over the last few years.

    On a very basic level, the colour and drama of the image really appealed to me. This deity appears both ferocious and playful, peaceful and chaotic, and that duality really speaks to me.

    I’ve come a long way in understanding my own duality, and the fire and power depicted here resonated.