I remain at home, which is at once familiar and strange. Would that I could share the intricacies of my unique situation here with you all, but I simply cannot be so candid. Let us say that we are in transition, and I have no idea what any of this will lead to.
My emotions are a mixture of many things, and I try to temper them all with compassion and patience, neither of which have come easily to me until now. Something has melted away in me, some deep anger that was never really mine. A black seed that someone else planted in my heart. In these last two months, I was able to pull it out by its roots and the change I feel is remarkable. In time, everyone else will see it, and believe in it too.
It is difficult to imagine the other side of this space in time. Everything I hoped it would become feels out of my hands. All I can do is maintain my desire to show love and grace in what are perhaps the most challenging circumstances I’ve ever existed in.
These days feel like a test. All of the growing and learning I have done has brought me to this moment, and I am being called to rely on the things I have learned about myself, and the lessons I continue to learn with each passing day.
I must believe in the power of love.
I must believe in my own honesty and understanding of self.
I must believe in the depth of my strength.
I must have faith that we are being guided through this by something greater than all of us.
I must trust in the people that I love.
I must draw power from my incredible ability to be a parent.
I must realize that I cannot always have control.
I must be patient, in as many ways as I can.
Tonight I made dinner. Something new, and comforting. The house is still filled with rich cooking smells. It felt good to be busy – to offer a gesture of warmth and kindness. To have an elaborate distraction from the tension and the sadness here.