Today’s post is an excerpt from my upcoming book Keeping It Up: A Guy’s Guide to Great Relationship Sex. Most women have no problem talking about what’s on their minds when it comes to sex. It just takes the right person to ask the questions, and the lid to Pandora’s box slides right off. After interviewing hundreds of readers, here are ten things women wish men knew about sex.
1. Not all women are the same.
We’ll cover this one in upcoming chapters, but it can’t be said often enough – female bodies are each entirely unique. Every new lover will require you to learn the lay of the land, and this learning process should be ongoing. Don’t ever assume you know exactly what your lady wants, and be willing to explore and investigate.
2. If we offer our feedback, don’t take it personally.
Women need to learn to express what they like, and what they want in order to have great sex. When we ask you to change your technique, it’s for our mutual benefit, and it’s not a criticism. Because the clitoris is an epicenter of nerves, sensation can vary with each sexual encounter. Let us help you solve the puzzle.
3. Women take longer to reach arousal and orgasm. Please don’t pressure us to cum. We can enjoy a quickie from time-to-time but what we really want is your patient attention.
If you want to make your woman wild with passion, bending her over the table and driving it home isn’t going to work for many of us all of the time. Focus, attention, and patience lavished upon us in a comfortable, sensual environment is much more likely to do the trick. If it’s taking us a long time to orgasm, vary your approach, (i.e. switch from oral to stimulating with your lubed fingers or vice versa) your speed, or the amount of pressure. Don’t ask us if we’re going to cum soon, nothing kills the moment more. If it’s not going to happen, we’ll usually tell you, and help you get ‘er done. Don’t be afraid to call in some back up in the form of our favorite vibrator. A good friend once said a vibe may be better than giving some poor guy carpal tunnel.
“My partner and I have a toddler, and we don’t have the kind of time we used to for sex. If it weren’t for my vibrator, I might never have an orgasm.” – Michelle
4. Some of us have a sex drive to rival your own. We take the pursuit of pleasure seriously, and aren’t afraid to go and get some good love. We want you to celebrate this, not feel intimidated by it.
Of course you never use words like “easy”, “slutty”, etc. to describe women who aren’t ashamed to enjoy sex. You support women, knowing we have earned the right to celebrate our sexuality just as you do, and you keep telling us you want us to be sexy, so don’t punish us or stigmatize us if we are. Where the monogamous woman is concerned, deep down we want to know we are loved and respected, and then we want to behave like sex-starved animals with the man who loves us. Some of us would like to “make love” once a week, because we want to “get nailed” the other six days.
5. Porn is fun, but it shouldn’t be taken too seriously, or viewed as educational material.
We’ve covered this one too. Girls like porn, especially porn that’s made for female audiences. This doesn’t mean that this is how we want you to behave in the bedroom. It’s fun for ideas, but most of us could never get off if you replicate the moves depicted in porn scenes. They are engineered to allow for the best camera angles. It goes without saying that we aren’t likely to look, act, or sound like porn stars either, especially if you’d like us to have real orgasms.
6. Foreplay starts when the day starts.
The clitoris is a wonderful thing, but the organ that we rely on most for arousal is the brain. Each morning when we wake up, we set the tone for the day ahead. Each moment of the day is an opportunity to connect and feel sexy. The way we move through our living space also sets the tone. For us women, fighting in the morning before work, nagging you to help with household stuff, and cleaning up the mess you make when you miss the toilet bowl are all things that will take our sex-o-meters down a notch. Conversely, if we see you making our lunch, or administering a foot rub after work, it may inspire a blow job.
7. We want you to maintain your sex appeal just as much as you want us to maintain ours.
Are you guilty of wearing t-shirts and track pants nearly all of the time, or white socks with non-athletic shoes, or belching and farting loudly and unnecessarily, developing a beer belly (that she doesn’t enjoy), forgetting to trim your ear or nose hair, etc? If so, do not dare to suggest we should wear more makeup, change our hair, go back to the gym, or wear sexier clothes until you’ve taken a good long look in the mirror. Sex appeal is just as important to us, fellas. If you’re not the sexy beast you aspire to be, try to celebrate the good things you’ve got going on while you work towards the positive changes you desire, and be sure to celebrate all that’s sexy about your partner too. If you’re both satisfied that you are damn sexy, then skip this one and give each other a high five.
8. We want to talk more about sex, and we want to tell you what we like/want/need but this can be really tricky for us, so we need your patience and encouragement.
From a historical perspective, women are very new to the idea of celebrating their sexuality. For some of us the desire to improve our sex lives is there, but talking about sex is immensely difficult. We can be embarrassed, shy, and fearful of judgment. We also want to take good care of you, and are afraid that our observations and requests may sound like criticism to your ears. You can help by remaining patient, open to conversation, and by gently encouraging us to share our needs frequently. You can also have us write out our wishes in dirty little love notes that you can find around the house. N.B. DO NOT try this game when your in-laws are staying with you.
9. Intercourse is nice, but many of us like cunnilingus best. You should be into this, and be willing to try/learn new techniques.
Most women are going to want you to know your way around downtown. If you are passionate about pussy, you owe it to yourself to approach oral sex like it is a lifelong art form that you must continue to try to master. Learn everything and anything you can, and inspire us by sharing your favorite tips for giving head. There are some really incredible books devoted to oral sex. Please see the resources section to begin your master class.
10. If you like what you see, and think we’re sexy, you can’t tell us this often enough.
I love and hate you, popular media. I adore clothing, shoes, and accessories, beautiful lingerie, boots, and bling. I hate constantly seeing size zero girls wearing clothing that is supposed to fit on my size eight body. We all get confused and start to believe that we are supposed to look like airbrushed women who are dangerously depleting their caloric intake, or who have the luxury of not having to do anything but work out with a trainer all day. It’s not fair, but we’re assaulted with this type of brainwashing from the time we are little girls. If you think we are sexy, or beautiful, or have a great ass, pussy, breasts, legs, feet, please tell us. We need to know, and we love to hear about why you find us sexy.
I’ve Unlocked The Feminine Mystique. Now What?
The first step to getting your sex life kick-started is to understand what women want from their sexual partners. If you are armed with this top-ten-list, and a good grasp on the communication tips offered in Keeping it Up, you are well on your way to some steamy sexual encounters. Remember, since all women are different, each woman is likely to have some interesting variations on this top ten. Ask your woman to reveal her own list, and she’ll likely blow your mind.
Pre-order your copy of Keeping It Up from Kindle Today!
And remember, the soft cover book and the audio book will be available soon!