I have not experienced Christmas as a single girl in seven years.
Of course I have moments where it is undoubtedly the most difficult time to fly solo (like last night at a work function when the beautiful girl who’s maternity leave I am covering arrived with her beautiful husband and beautiful baby in tow) but there are also times (like last night after the function when two of the party guests sprung me and whisked me off to the Reservoir Lounge to listen to a beautiful young girl sing amazing jazz) when my heart is full of freedom and possibility. There is also a sense of peace. Truly profound peace that has made me love each snowfall a thousand times more than I ever have before. I liken it to people who experience physical relief for an extended period after living with chronic pain. Sometimes the things that I DON’T have in my life are the greatest blessing I could ask for.
And so, because the Internet feels like a far greater, more infinite, and yet strangely more tangible universe than wishing on a yuletide star, I shall utter my Christmas Wish. I’m sure most of you know what it is already, but it is in fact two-part and I’ve come to realize that the second half will never happen without the first:
a.) I wish for healing, and the deep, unfaltering self-love that I need to know my own worth, and to know that it is better to spend peaceful time alone in The Fortress of Solitude, regaining my super powers and connecting with my ancestors and with the universe than to try to save villains from their own diabolical imaginings.
b.) I wish that as my heart becomes whole, the universe at large will sense that I am strong enough, and sense that I trust myself enough to make a good choice, and send me a fantastic partner to fight crime at my side. Not a side-kick. More of a Butch Cassidy.
I ask for love because I already feel like my life is very rich with all of the other things that a super savvy gal needs to be happy; amazing friends, an amazing family, a great career, incredible artistic opportunity, a beautiful home, good health, and a vivid social life. These things will all continue to help put me on the road to wellness.
I had a coffee with my recent ex this weekend. It taught me two things:
1.) Everything that I believe about him now is true
2.) He is the most profoundly selfish and narcissistic human being I have never known.
I say never because four years later, I really have no idea what was real. Except my own feelings. I’ve been so angry at myself for wasting so much time with him in such a toxic atmosphere, but if I hadn’t spent that time there, I never would have realized how huge my capacity for love is. How much I’m willing to give, how deep my emotions can run, how selfless I can be. I know there will be no other relationship in my life that will be as fraught with trauma and difficulty as that one was, so from this I know that I am equipped to deal with most normal relationship challenges, and I know now exactly what I want, and what I am unwilling to live with in a partner. These lessons are not wasteful at all, are they?
When you walk in the snow, try to take a moment and be still in your heart, and feel grateful for everything you have and everything you have been able to shed as you go through life. Make a Yuletide wish for yourself too. You deserve it.